Saturday, May 30, 2009

Release

I have found that blogging is my release. It reveals a lot I could never actually say to someone, or anyone. It shows the kind of person I have inside, regardless of whether my readers will ever meet me. I speak what's inside instead of forming into everyone else's opinion.\

I used to write in another blog site (livejournal.com) awhile back, and as I went back reading all of my inner thoughts and feelings, I felt that way again, remembering where I was and how I felt when I wrote those and all the things going through my mind. I couldn't believe how naive, innocent, and untouched I was. I had not experienced all the heartbreak, tragedy, two-faced people I have now. Of course, I'm referring to entries written when I was in high school and the beginning college years. So much has changed in just a couple years. Sometimes I wish I could go back and be able to see it from an outsider's view of all my actions/decisions I made back then, and see what other people saw of me. How different I appeared than in my own head. How different one little change could have made my life. . .

A lot of my views have changed and I realize the changing moments, but I always wonder whether I fell or was tricked into believing something or liking something based on the people around me. I wonder what kind of influences they had on my life, and if I came to really like something or if it was all in my head.

Blogging helps me release my thoughts that may not seem so clear when they all come together in my mind. I am able to sort through them all, by subject, by topic, by feeling on here and I appreciate getting feedback. I love reading someone else's blog revealing their feelings towards something and realizing to myself "Wow, I'm not alone in feeling that way, or I'm not crazy for feeling that way." It's comforting to know I'm not a crazy person alone in their own little world sometimes.
Monday, May 25, 2009

Feeling Stuck With No Way Out

Usually, I can keep my tongue held tight, and only vent to friends and family about this, but it's time for a blog about it. Here goes nothin.....

Have you ever had a job that you disliked so much that it brought your mentality down, affected the rest of your life, and made you unhappy? I'm in that position right now, and, with the way the economy is, there's nothing I can really do about it. I could take unpaid time off, but I need the money to keep on track with bills and whatnot. So I'm stuck.

I know once I leave here, whenever that will be, I have a 'savings' account aka retirement fund that has been adding up over the time I've been here that I'm not allowed to touch until I leave this state job. It's a nice little cushion, but nothing I could live off forever. I'm really waiting on a position with my family's new company that's still in the beginning stages, but things look promising, and things seem to be moving along at a good pace. I told myself a year ago I wanted out of this place and yet I'm still here. I've been applying to places here and there, venting to people that I have good relationships with along the way, venting, and venting and venting it seems. I can't vent enough.

I'm in a position where I can't talk with anyone in my department otherwise it will look very bad on me, giving them a poor impression of me I feel, yet I feel talking to someone in Employee Relations or the Counseling Center will pretty much get me nowhere, just more venting. I don't have tons of sick or vacation time saved up, plus I have a few obligations I've already committed to in the next few months where I will be earning just enough time for those events, so I couldn't take a random vacation here soon because then I'd have to take UNPAID time off for those upcoming things, or that little random vacation away from everything.

I know this is probably a bunch of random jumbled things together, but writing about these kinds of things helps me to focus. And, right now, my job is something really holding me back from being happy, which means it's time to get out. But where do I go? And when? And how do I cope for the time being?

MySpace Blogging

have gotten more into doing blogs on myspace, for the public eye's at least.A few 'friends' of mine on there have gotten really popular with their blogs, and I'm trying to gain more of an audience myself. I make my own perspecitves in response to the topics of their blogs and I've made a few new 'friends' doing that. I can relate to several people on there, and I like being able to share things with others on there.

I may post them on here later if I see fit, but right now I'll update you to what's been going on in my life the past month or so since it's been awhile since I've posted anything on here.

May 25. Race just started at noon, postponed from yesterday since it got rained out. Wish I was there. Went to my 2nd race ever last weekend, the All-Star Race and I loved it just as much as I did my first race ever, with Mike of course. :) I like the rainy, gloomy weather but wish I could be at home relaxing watching tv or getting other things done instead of sitting here not doing much at work, especially on Memorial Day. Who doesn't let their employees off on this National Holiday, especially when we are still at WAR? It makes no sense to me. Nothing I can do about it. I got Friday off at least for my 24th Birthday! :)

Yesterday Mike's sister, Nikki, threw me a little surprise get together for me, and they pulled it off well :) Cake, decorations, hot dogs, hamburgers, and of course Mike brought the Wii and we played that throughout the night. :) I got to talk with some of Mike's family a bit more and got to know them a bit more, which I enjoyed. Very nice people.

Turning 24, has hit me harder than I thought it would. I feel much older than I am, but becasue another year has gone by I feel more discourage about not getting away from UNCC and working here and having to stay here until something else is lined up for me and I'm even more discouraged because I couldn't live off what I have in savings if I left this job. And the economy sucks. I just feel discouraged all over.

I still love the house :) Almost a year with mike and I can't wait to celebrate many more with him.

A few conflicting things with my friends and family have occurred with Mike, but they've been solved for the most part. :) All's well that ends well.
Saturday, May 23, 2009

Avoiding The Baggage

Again, I'm responding through my blog to another person's blog regarding the mentioning of ex's in describing things you've done, or things that come to your mind while dating or in a newer relationship.

Interesting topic since my boyfriend and I have talked about this recently :) So I can definitely relate.

I've always shared too much, regardless of what it may be, but I watch myself around certain people, just depending on how sensitive the topic is to them involving me. For the first time, I have shared everything about my past with someone, with my significant other, my boyfriend, Mike. I like being completely honest with him. There's some things I'm sure I've yet to tell him but when those come up, I"ll share them with him. He and I have shared so much with eachother, mentioning names with them all, and it just helps us know at what period in our lives we did those things, or felt certain ways based on who we were with, and at what age we were when we were with those people.

Even if it makes me jealous to hear who he did what with, and who he shared a special moment with, at least I know what kind of person he was during those times, and I know part of his history, what brought him here to me. We've both changed in our current relationship but we also have talks about what other relationships brought to our lives, and what they really made us see and feel. To me, it's the healthiest relationship I've ever had. Some things don't want to be shared, of course, and we respect that about each other, but, other times, it's helped us both to share detailed events because they were important to us and are still in our memory.

I understand why people do not like mentioning ex's in their current or they won't mention them in their future relationships, but at the same time, those relationships made you who you are today, and have shaped you in ways you may have noticed, or may not have noticed, and that person you will share everything with should know the impact they've had just to be aware of the person you were, and the person you've become. Thats my personal opinion of course, and, I hope people are open to sharing more with their significant other someday.

To be honest, I haven't always been the strong woman I feel like today. I have my low days, don't get me wrong, but I also have moments where I realize how much just even in the last year that I have grown, thanks to my current relationship. I'm not blind, and I'm not ignorant, I don't think this will NEVER end, there's always the chance of that, so I always have support outside of my current relationship. My point is, for the time being, I'm happy. If this happens to last the rest of my life, I'm thrilled, if not, I'll get through it when that times comes and it will add onto my strength and experiences in life. I just feel if I'm going to be completely with someone, they should know who I am completely.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Burnout

I subscribe to a woman's blog and every day she updates it with a different topic; interesting topics I can actually relate to, and feel like commenting on, and responding to. She has written books, gotten them published, so she's a great writer, and her writing captivates me.



This morning she wrote a blog about not letting the bad guys win, in an analogical sense. For example, if you are hating your job, and you want to quit, but something bad in addition to everything else occurs, you won't quit right away because it will look like the company won over you; instead, you wait and leave on your own terms. Letting the bad guy win, really made me think about my current job.



For the past year, since my old supervisor, Kathy, left and moved to Oak Island with her husband (his job transferred him), I've really been unhappy. I realized then that she made this job what it was. A lot of the negative things were taken light hearted because she entertained me here. She became like a second mom to me, and we became very close. Since then, we've kept in touch and I've shared my feelings with her, as she has given me advice on what I should do in certain situations. I respet her opinion very much.



Job burnout is the most horrible feeling. Especially in these days with the economy the way it is. I keep looking elsewhere for other opportunities that might capture my interest but nothing does so far. I feel like I'm stuck and have nowhere to go, especially here in Charlotte, when it comes to what I'm interested in, and I don't have the money to move elsewhere to take advantage of the skills and passions I have. That's my problem.



I don't know where I'll end up, and I don't know where I'm going from here.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Who Am I To You Now?

I read a blog this morning regarding coming across an ex's wedding pictures, and I felt I had to write a blog of my own in response.

I experienced this around a year ago. And, I had the worst feeling in my stomach, throat, and a truly heartbreaking feeling inside. I never understood the term 'heartbreaking' until that moment. Although we parted ways on a mutual standing, and we had even kept in touch until a certain point, continuing to keep up, stay friends and catch up over email, thinking I was okay with that, seeing him with someone else is not what I wanted to see. Part of me wanted to because I had heard about it, and, another part of me did not want to put a face to it, because then it would be a reality for me to actually deal with.

The part the probably affects me the most is, we had broken up, he had disappeared unexpectedly, just all of a sudden not returning my calls, texts, etc. and eventually I found out through one of his friends I talked to on occassion that he was okay. To my surprise, I was relieved, but at the same time, incredibly hurt that he would not get back to me in any way. Eventually we talked over IM, which isn't exactly what I wanted, but all I could get at the time. He explained how he felt so overwhelmed with his emotions, his feelings, and how all of his friends were trying to push him in one direction with me, when he wasn't so sure what he wanted to be with me. So he decided to just stop everything with me.

Eventually I had moved on. I was seeing this guy Joe, and on our way out of a comedy show, I recognized a number that had called me, and I had ignored, realizing they had left a voicemail. I flipped when I heard it was him. He wanted to talk, catch up, possibly meet up that night. And what did I do? Make a point to meet up. Of course, I was mad, but I had to see him and get what I needed to from him. He explained a lot of everything that had been going on in his life, and why he did what he did. We spilled our hearts to each other. He wanted to start over. I admitted to having moved on, and being out on a date with some other guy I was interested in vs. having forgotten about him. And then I said I'd have to be given some time to really think about it, and get a hold on my true feelings and emotions, rather than make an impulse decision towards anything right then. And if he truly wanted another shot with me, he'd have to give me that time and be patient. And he was okay with that.

A couple days later, I forget what happened exactly, but, we both came to a decision that we both still needed to work on ourselves individually, and we weren't strong enough to invest ourselves into one another again. At that point at least. He was very strong into being saved and Christianity then, and had just joined a new church. That was an uplifting sense in his life, and I couldn't share that with him. I wasn't the going to church type, but I prayed almost everyday towards God hoping for a better life most days, hoping to get a break towards some sort of happiness and stable relationship one day.

A few weeks later, I'm not sure if one of his friends told me or he did himself, but maybe a month later he had told me about joining a church, and, his pastor/mentor introducing him to a girl, a few years younger than even me, and I was already younger than him by a couple of years, but they had introduced him to her, and immediately they connected somehow. I felt hurt by hearing that he had fallen for someone so fast after wanting to start over and after confessing all of those feelings for me. Although I know he meant them, it hurts to think they went out the window so fast and he got engaged to this girl maybe a couple months later, and were married a month from then. Everything happened: dating, engagement, month within 5 months of each other. I was shocked but when I initially found out by an email from him, I was like "wow, good thing I didn't waste my time with him again" but I was also wondering what he truly felt, and if I had really given him a 2nd chance then, would this have still happened or would he have broken my heart again? A lot of different emotions were going through my head, and, I don't know if I really knew what to feel at that point in time.

Believe it or not, I moved on. I don't know who I was seeing, but I poured myself into hanging out with my friends, trying to laugh about it, enjoying my college life, and dating around. I found a few good guys here and there, but no one ever measured up to him. He was the 2nd best guy I have ever dated and had in my life. I still think of him from time to time, and I even tried contacting him when he popped up in my head about a year ago, and he responded very negatively about not wanting to be contacted anymore because he was married, although I thought there was a slight chance we could actually be friends, and talk over email from time to time and catch up since we were both in great relationships and had moved on, grown up. I guess certain people react differently to things. I can't deny that I miss him. I miss how we were with eachother and I hate how things ended between us. But I can't let those thoughts dwell in my mind and affect me now because he's not in my life anymore.

I often think about whether past thoughts seep into his mind, and if he thinks of me at all. I have this image of how he wants to see how I'm doing, and how much I want him to see how much better off I am now vs how I was back then when we were seeing each other. And how much everything he taught me then has comeup in my current relationship, and shaped me to be the better person I am today. I'd love for him to know thta becuase I have to give him a lot of credit. He was the 2nd best relationship I'd ever been in.

Right now, I'm with the BEST.

My current relationship is the strongest one I've ever been in, and the one I've fought for the most. I don't think anything is wrong with that because I have been open, honest, and true to my beliefs, and my feelings. There have been many struggles along the way, especially when it comes to my past, and what I've been used to, and who I've had in my life making me that way. I've been in some awful relationships, some of which I kept going back to for some reason I still don't quite understand. My point is, it lead me to where I am now, and I've never had a more amazing guy than Mike. He might be younger, but he makes me happy and I love him.