Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Who Am I To You Now?

I read a blog this morning regarding coming across an ex's wedding pictures, and I felt I had to write a blog of my own in response.

I experienced this around a year ago. And, I had the worst feeling in my stomach, throat, and a truly heartbreaking feeling inside. I never understood the term 'heartbreaking' until that moment. Although we parted ways on a mutual standing, and we had even kept in touch until a certain point, continuing to keep up, stay friends and catch up over email, thinking I was okay with that, seeing him with someone else is not what I wanted to see. Part of me wanted to because I had heard about it, and, another part of me did not want to put a face to it, because then it would be a reality for me to actually deal with.

The part the probably affects me the most is, we had broken up, he had disappeared unexpectedly, just all of a sudden not returning my calls, texts, etc. and eventually I found out through one of his friends I talked to on occassion that he was okay. To my surprise, I was relieved, but at the same time, incredibly hurt that he would not get back to me in any way. Eventually we talked over IM, which isn't exactly what I wanted, but all I could get at the time. He explained how he felt so overwhelmed with his emotions, his feelings, and how all of his friends were trying to push him in one direction with me, when he wasn't so sure what he wanted to be with me. So he decided to just stop everything with me.

Eventually I had moved on. I was seeing this guy Joe, and on our way out of a comedy show, I recognized a number that had called me, and I had ignored, realizing they had left a voicemail. I flipped when I heard it was him. He wanted to talk, catch up, possibly meet up that night. And what did I do? Make a point to meet up. Of course, I was mad, but I had to see him and get what I needed to from him. He explained a lot of everything that had been going on in his life, and why he did what he did. We spilled our hearts to each other. He wanted to start over. I admitted to having moved on, and being out on a date with some other guy I was interested in vs. having forgotten about him. And then I said I'd have to be given some time to really think about it, and get a hold on my true feelings and emotions, rather than make an impulse decision towards anything right then. And if he truly wanted another shot with me, he'd have to give me that time and be patient. And he was okay with that.

A couple days later, I forget what happened exactly, but, we both came to a decision that we both still needed to work on ourselves individually, and we weren't strong enough to invest ourselves into one another again. At that point at least. He was very strong into being saved and Christianity then, and had just joined a new church. That was an uplifting sense in his life, and I couldn't share that with him. I wasn't the going to church type, but I prayed almost everyday towards God hoping for a better life most days, hoping to get a break towards some sort of happiness and stable relationship one day.

A few weeks later, I'm not sure if one of his friends told me or he did himself, but maybe a month later he had told me about joining a church, and, his pastor/mentor introducing him to a girl, a few years younger than even me, and I was already younger than him by a couple of years, but they had introduced him to her, and immediately they connected somehow. I felt hurt by hearing that he had fallen for someone so fast after wanting to start over and after confessing all of those feelings for me. Although I know he meant them, it hurts to think they went out the window so fast and he got engaged to this girl maybe a couple months later, and were married a month from then. Everything happened: dating, engagement, month within 5 months of each other. I was shocked but when I initially found out by an email from him, I was like "wow, good thing I didn't waste my time with him again" but I was also wondering what he truly felt, and if I had really given him a 2nd chance then, would this have still happened or would he have broken my heart again? A lot of different emotions were going through my head, and, I don't know if I really knew what to feel at that point in time.

Believe it or not, I moved on. I don't know who I was seeing, but I poured myself into hanging out with my friends, trying to laugh about it, enjoying my college life, and dating around. I found a few good guys here and there, but no one ever measured up to him. He was the 2nd best guy I have ever dated and had in my life. I still think of him from time to time, and I even tried contacting him when he popped up in my head about a year ago, and he responded very negatively about not wanting to be contacted anymore because he was married, although I thought there was a slight chance we could actually be friends, and talk over email from time to time and catch up since we were both in great relationships and had moved on, grown up. I guess certain people react differently to things. I can't deny that I miss him. I miss how we were with eachother and I hate how things ended between us. But I can't let those thoughts dwell in my mind and affect me now because he's not in my life anymore.

I often think about whether past thoughts seep into his mind, and if he thinks of me at all. I have this image of how he wants to see how I'm doing, and how much I want him to see how much better off I am now vs how I was back then when we were seeing each other. And how much everything he taught me then has comeup in my current relationship, and shaped me to be the better person I am today. I'd love for him to know thta becuase I have to give him a lot of credit. He was the 2nd best relationship I'd ever been in.

Right now, I'm with the BEST.

My current relationship is the strongest one I've ever been in, and the one I've fought for the most. I don't think anything is wrong with that because I have been open, honest, and true to my beliefs, and my feelings. There have been many struggles along the way, especially when it comes to my past, and what I've been used to, and who I've had in my life making me that way. I've been in some awful relationships, some of which I kept going back to for some reason I still don't quite understand. My point is, it lead me to where I am now, and I've never had a more amazing guy than Mike. He might be younger, but he makes me happy and I love him.