Sunday, July 19, 2009

All About Me - A New Challenge

I noticed friends of mine on here who had posted these kinds of blogs, so why not follow in their footsteps? Might be lengthy, but worth it in the end.

Ten Things I Would Say To Ten Different People

1. You have changed me, my life, and healed my heart. No one has ever come close to being able to do all three in miraculous ways. Thank you. I hope I never lose you.

2. I once thought I could love you. I once thought you were meant to be my best friend. Now I know after everything that has been done, been said, that you were only out for yourself in this friendship/relationship we had. When things don't worked out the way you wanted them, you became someone else, and I can't have that in my life.

3. I loved you once, long ago. I'm not sure if it was real love, or just the wanting it to be real love. We've come in each other's lives on and off again, and I had to let that pattern and history go. I'm actually happy now, and I can't let you or anyone else ruin that. Regardless of what happens in the future, you won't be in my life again because you are toxic, and you'd kill me in more ways than anyone could imagine.

4. I wish I had the financial stability like you to pick up where I'm at, and just travel to an area where I could pursue my dream of working in the entertainment industry (music, film, tv, etc.) without any worries.

5. I wish I felt comfortable with my family as you do, sharing every bit of information with them about my life, instead of feeling like I have to hide a bit of myself from them every time I talk to them or see them.

6. I wish I didn't act like such an old lady, as you said I do. I never meant to grow up so fast once I got out of college, butI had a need to do so. I felt overwhelmed living with my parents again, and live the life I used to, but things were completely different out of college, and it's lead to the anxiety I feel all the time now. Thanks good ole independence.

7. You have not been here for long. Things were much better before you came around. I know how to do my job, and know how to do it well, for almost two years now, and when someone tells me I've done something wrong, or not right, it fires me up because I know I'm the one that did it right, yet you did it wrong. I know how to do my job better than you think and better than you put across to me. I know better and I know more than you will ever know.

8. Supporting your children is so very important, especially when they're in changing periods of their life. When you argue with them about how they're living their lives, it pushes them further away, and that's what's happened between you and I. I reach out, and end up paying for it in the end. You seek me to tell you more about myself, yet when I do, there's always consequences it feels like.

9. You want me to be around more, and want our relationship to be stronger, yet you don't see what I see, and don't feel what I feel. You talk down to me, like I'm a child, when we're supposed to have a bond unlike any other. We're supposed to be best friends, and supposed to have secrets for just one another vs. anyone else. Like in the movies :) I still yearn for that, but I don't know if we can get there from where we are now.

10. You damaged me growing up. You hurt me far more than any man has. . . all the violence & abuse. I can't forget all of that, but I do see where you have improved among all levels. I'm glad you are still here, yet I don't feel I can forgive everything. It's hard to touch you, to look you in the eyes, because things were very diff. for you & i's relationship vs yours with anyone else. It hurt more than anyone else's and had far more in it than anyone else's. I don't know how to go anywhere further from that.

Nine Things About Me

1. I've always been passionate about writing, and found it again just of recently being able to blog more on here and whatnot. I pulled out all my old story ideas & stories and plotsI had put together years ago, with all the character backgrounds, places to use in my stories, etc. I realized I wanted to be a write back in 5th grade, and yet only went back to it over time here and there over the years. Now I'm picking it back up again and I feel if I work hard, I can do something with it now.

2. I put on a smile far too much just to suit people these days. My job takes up most of my time it seems, and I hate being there. I'm sick of being there every weekday. Everything seems to frustrate me and there's nothing I can do about it until I find a new one, whichI have no hope for it seems like now a days.

3. Some days I question the decisions I've made & the choices I've had to make over the past year or so. There have been more challenges/struggles but just as many enjoyable moments with the new person in my life. Sometimes I wonder whether because I'm wrapped up in this relationship if I'm avoiding certain things or ignoring something important. I worry that if this ever ends, if I'll lose out on things I should've been paying more attention to while in this relationship. Yet I've tried hard to hold onto everything importnat while still beingin this relationship too.

4. I miss my friends. I haven't been able to spend as much time with them because we all work full time, have differnet schedules and live in different parts of the city. I made a big move moving around an hour away from them, but living closer really wouldnt' make a diff, at least I don't think so.

5. I consider moving away, yet I know I can't leave my job right now. If I could move anywhere right now, it'd be closer to my job, but the only advantage would be savingon gas, and to me, that's not worth giving up this lifestyle yet. Not at this time at least.

6. I love music & hope to work with it as a career someday. Maybe film, maybe television, but music is one of my ultimate passions.

7. I wish my parents knew how much I cherish them. And although we have had arguments and disagreements over the past year or so, know that I love them more than anything. I've never meant to disappoint them or discourage them in any way or think I didn't appreciate them, but they're always at the top of my list. I hate when I don't talk to them every day, or we only talk online but sometimes that's the only way I can get true feelings across.

8. I hate that I'm not comfortable in my own skin sometimes. I hate that I break out like I do, and hate how I stress and worry as much as I do. I wish I could easily get rid of it overnight, it woudl make me a much happier human being.

9. I wish I knew what the future would bring and when I'd be free of this unhappiness that's always following me around, and if I could knwo what I'm doing now, if this is how the rest of my life will be like, or if it will change for the better.

Eight Ways To Win My Heart

1. Make me laugh - I cannot survive with someone with 0 sense of humor. I'm sarcastic and goofy sometimes, and whoever I'm with or whoever I'm around has to be able to put up with that and be just like me in that regard.

2. Support me in whatever I do. Be able to say you will follow me anywhere and be there for me wherever the road takes me, regardless of whether it takes me away from you for a short/long period of time.

3. Listen to me. There are times when life gets me down and I need to talk things out. I need feedback and a truly good ear.I dont' want just an "OK" response. I want someone to be able to have deep conversation with me.

4. Flower me with sweet things, compliments, sincere things, and mean them. Don't just copy what you've seen in a movie, tv show, or read in a book. There are common phrases said like "I love you" and "You're beautiful" but truly mean them. Your eyes can really give away whether you mean something you say or not, and so can your actions. Have everything balance out. Put your heart into everything you do.

5. Get to know me, in and out. My past, present, and future asspirations, dreams, etc. Don't just get to know what my name, age and occupation are for the night, but know who I've been, who I am, and who I want to be.

6. Be happy with who I am, and who I'm striving to be. Don't try to change me into the person you want to be with forever, or want to be dating for the present. Love me for me.

7. There are times I'm going to be low. Don't get mad that I'm low. It's not always because of you :) Sometimes we're going to have fights. Don't just give up and walk away. Fight with me and for this relationship we have. Walking away is not going to fix anything.

8. Be open to different backgrounds, lifestyles, and compromising. We may come from two different places, and if they're not exactly the same, be open to compromises, and adjusting. Not everyone lives their life exactly the same, so growing together is always a big challenge.

Seven Things I Often Wonder About

1. Is he The One?

2. Where will I be in 10 years?

3. Do I ever cross their minds?

4. Am I going down the right path for me in my life?

5. Am I the one that's changed for the better, or have I changed for the worse (and not seen it yet)?

6. Can I move to a new city and achieve my dreams?

7. Will the past ever stop crossing my mind?

Six Things I Do Before Bed

1. Shower, Dry Hair, Pee

2. Check email, myspace, facebook

3. Read/Sudoku

4. Talk with Mike

5. Go over what tomorrow will bring/get all my stuff together for work in the morning, fix lunch

6. Set Alarm for morning (phone)

Five People Who Mean A Lot To Me

1. My Mom (my hero, my role model)

2. My Dad (he's stood by and supported my family and changed for the better over the years)

3. My Sister (she's a protector of mine, and can understand me more ways than I can say)

4. My Brother (an old best friend found recently again, I thought the times had pulled us apart, but we can relate more so than I ever imagined)

5. Mike (one of my best friends, and I love him) - the boyfriend

Four Things I Am Wearing

1. Jeans

2. T-Shirt/Tank Top

3. Socks

4. Boots (new ones I got yesterday!)

Three songs/artists I listen to a lot:

1. Gavin DeGraw

2. Hoobastank

3. Lil Wayne

Two I Want To Do Before I Die:

1. Live in a different state for a good period of time, start somewhere new.

2. Be successful in a job/career that truly makes me happy and does not make me so unhappy it overlaps into my personal life.

One Confession:

I think about my past a lot, maybe too much. I wonder how ex's and past loves are at this point in their lives. Regardless of how I hurt thinking back to things they've done to me, sometimes I wish we never got romantically involved but were friends for life, without any of the unnecessary drama. Then this leads me back to the part of me that gives people too many chances to make up to me what they should've done from the very beginning, so I guess I'm all kinds of messed up :) Some people say I'm too nice. and Although I've held offon contacting any of them, and know I won't ever get the guts to because of the outcomes it would bring, I still like checking up not just on ex's but people from my past to make sure they're doing alright. hoping I didn't bring too much damage on them by walking away from it all.