Monday, June 8, 2009

Past, Present & Future

As some of you know from previous blogs, I have responded to another blog through mine instead of leaving a long ass comment on their page. I've done the same thing for this one, but I figured out how to post a link in my blog in order to give this wonderful lady credit (see below) - Click on it - her blogs come out every day, and they're interesting as hell. Some have even made me laugh out loud (oh yes.) I look forward to reading them everyday. Thanks Stephanie for your blogs and keeping me entertained and awaiting more! I love your writing and bluntness (is that a word?)

I'm going to start from a general standpoint and work my way inward.

I have loved a few times. Regardless of whether they are in my life anymore or not, I have loved them, and I don't regret being with any of them, or loving any of them. I know they loved/love me back and feel the same way. Of course, there were times with each of them, we felt like we regretted, but sincerely, we don't. I don't like certain choices I made with some of them, but it's in the past and I have to leave it there instead of wondering "What If" all the time, which I do from time to time. It's a bad habit. What can I say?

Currently I'm in the most stable relationship I think I've ever been in. We've been together a year and going on strong, and, it feels amazing to look at everything and see how far I've come. And how far he has come in the past year. So many things, good and bad, have happened to bring us to this moment, and it thrills us for what's going to come next.

And honestly, if he were to leave me tomorrow, I couldn't say anything bad about him. I've thought long, hard, and strong, but he's done nothing wrong to me, and he's never treated me badly either. He's always stood beside me, been my equal, and been my best friend. We've discussed possible scenarios if we were to end tomorrow; if one of us were to wake up one day and decide "I wanna be alone" and be single. We've even discussed taking 'breaks' from the relationship, but not being broken up. We discuss every option to different situations, just to make the other person aware of how we feel about it, if it ever does come up.

Believe it or not, the guys I have grown to love, have not been in and out of my life within a week, but we grew with each other in a number of ways. Each relationship has been unique to me and them, and it's taught us something about ourselves and other people, as most relationships tend to do. I have great memories of each love and I try to ignore the bad things that happened, even if that was the reason it ended, or didn't work out.

I know when you're wrapped up in a relationship, sometimes it changes you as a person. I try to avoid that happening, but sometimes you can't help but let it change you. Each relationship is going to affect you; sometimes that's good, sometimes that's bad. A lot of the times I've been wrapped up in one, and once I get out of it, I go back to my old ways. Other times, I have stayed the same because the relationship wasn't necessarily bad, but it showed me a lot of things I was either doing wrong with my life or needed to change. A lot of people have gotten on me about certain people changing me for the better and for the worse, and only I can know who did what for me. I'd like to think someone didn't steer me wrong in making me the person I am today, but scars are left by bad relationships and sometimes it takes awhile to fix those, but hopefully something positive comes out of what's left.

The first time i was in love was back in 2005, with a guy that was 4 years older than me, and, I was inexperienced with a lot of things, especially when it came to love. Back then, I was critical of any guy who tried hanging out, dating, or even talking to me. Some were obviously innocent, but others, I was very skeptical about, being in college and all. I wasn't easy at all to win over. I was known as very picky when it came to guys.

At the time, I felt we connected with a lot, yet looking back, we were attracted to each other's opposite personalities, but I am trying to remember with what all we felt we connected with. We carried on good conversations, but in the end, I wasn't ready for something serious. I was in college and learning who I was, and even though I badly wanted to be with him, he knew I needed time on my own to explore and figure out what I really wanted from a guy, and needed from a guy, to be involved seriously with him.

We stayed in touch talking a lot from time to time, keeping up with what was going on with each other's lives, and we were in and out of each other's lives time and time again. No matter if we had a huge argument, one of us would contact the other and rekindle something and we would start talking, maybe even hanging out again. We just found some way to stay in each other's lives all these years. It was toxic. Not a good thing.

No matter how badly he would talk to me, I brushed it off like it was my fault for angering him in such a way. I blamed myself for a lot of the arguments we'd have or just taking things the wrong way when he would say them, although I knew I was right. For some reason, I couldn't let go of him. Something always lead me back to him. I always felt like I needed him around, and looking back, I don't know how I could need someone so much. He had been in my life and a part of my life for so long I guess I felt I didn't want anything to change, regardless of how it was making me feel.

A big trigger point for me was my birthday last year, when I turned 23. He not once acknowledged it, even though he knew about it, he never said any happy birthday to me, not once. It bothered the heck out of me, and, he left a week later for Thailand for 3 weeks, during the time I met Mike, my current boyfriend. This wasn't the only point that hit me hard but the other I won't go into detail.

I met Mike when this guy was out of the country, and it was perfect timing. It was the most carefree and the least worrysome I had ever felt. I felt completely stress-free, worry-free, and relieved I met someone so amazing. Never had I felt so appreciated, cared for & understood. Of course, the first night we both felt a huge connection, and it lead us to where we are today. I think God was sincerely looking out for me, even though I knew that was it for me with this other guy, which is why I agreed to meeting guys and giving myself that luxury while the guy was out of the country. For months, I had known about this trip, and I knew that when he left, that'd be it. The serious part of me with that guy would be done and over with. And, he'd be in for a surprise when he came back and I wasn't answering to his every text/call/need/want.

When he got back in the country, I saw him one last time because I really had to test my feelings for him vs Mike. And sure enough, I was right. I needed to prove to myself how I was feeling one last time. And I felt so secure. I was even talking to Mike while visiting him. I didn't care. For once, I didn't care what he felt but only was concered with my feelings, which is of course what I should have been doing all along.

During my relationship with Mike, as usual, me and this guy kept in touch. Not romantically, and I never felt anything romantic towards him anymore, but we kept in touch because we had been friends and had created that bond that I didn't share with anyone else, or so I thought. Despite all the mean things he had done to me over the number of years, I felt this attachment to him that I couldn't let go of. I'm not sure why either. I still don't make sense of it to this day. I guess first loves are that intense and have that much control over you. He caused drama in my relationship with Mike and I didn't want him to but I let it. I was honest with Mike about everything and, that's good but it also hurt us knowing this guy was trying to interfere with our lives. Now, he's completely gone. And has no way of getting to me. I laugh thinking of how pathetic he's stooped down to trying to manipulate in my life because he has no control over me anymore, and of course, he's moved onto another girl, who I feel sorry for. Someone who he kept going to when I'd turn away, or when we wouldn't be talking. If something happens to him and he changes for the better, and she does that to him, great, but I'm not counting on it. I highly doubt it. I just hope she sees things like I do now. Crystal clear.

Another time I was in love was with an intelligent, creative guy who I met back in late 2006. We only dated for maybe 8 months, but even looking back my heart flutters because he was my best friend who I fell in love with back then. We were friends first. I never expected to fall in love with him, nor did I expect the kind of lessons that I got from that relationship. I hate that he's not in my life anymore because I'd love for him to see the person I've become. This was the 2nd best relationship to the one I'm in now. Even though there were miscommunications with ending things, and the aftermath of keeping in touch with each other, I can't say anything bad about him or how he treated me. We were both at confusing points in our lives and eventually found our way, but I can't say I'd be the same if I had never met him. He touched my life in an astounding way and I sincerely do miss him. At one point, near the end of our relationship, he talked about going away one weekend. To the beach. The next week he vanished. 8 months down the road, I was coming in from a date with a guy, and noticed a familiar number had called me. I check my voicemail, and it's him. We met up later that night, because I just couldn't wait any longer to figure out why he had called and wanted to talk after all this time, especially after leaving me the way he did.

I found out a lot about why he disappeared on me, got scared, ran, etc. and a lot has to do with him being confused and feeling at a crossroads in his life. He always would talk about wanting and the need to get married. I found out he was planning on proposing to me and sharing how much he loved and cared for me on that supposed beach trip we were going to take one weekend.

He was involved with the Air Force, and he was off to camps here and there, bringing me back souveniers from places, and, I appreciated that and supported him in all his endeavours. yet, once, while talking on the phone he talked about being based/stationed in Alaska. He put the idea out to me about moving with him there. And then I didn't realize he was being serious, but treated it as a joke. When he responded with a serious tone like "I'm not kidding" I sincerely said I'd love to but I have to finish school here. I'm not dropping my entire life here to go with you to Alaska, as much as I cared for him and wanted to be with him. And in all this time, my parents never knew of him. To this day, they still don't.

I may have felt like I was close to being in love another time, but I'm not quite sure. It wasn't a deep relationship but I felt like if it lasted longer, giving me more time, it could have lead to that. I know he feels he loved me, but he never told me the words back then. After dating, we grew even closer, and I was thankful for that, but, it never became anything more. As time went on, we both dated other people, and, went our separate ways with life, but always kept in touch. He never treated me bad. We just didn't work out. The timing was wrong for him, and that was understandable. I held nothing against him. He became one of my closest friends. Regardless of it going anywhere, I would like to still have him in my life. I would like us to still be friends, but because he pledged his heart to me a few months ago, wanting more with me, I wasn't quite sure I could handle it. There was a lot of pressures from that group I hung with that included him, and it was very overwhelming. I couldn't handle it so I've had to take a break from talking with and hanging out around him. For me and for his well-being. I'm not going to throw something in someone's face when they're hurting. I've been there before. And as much as I want to just keep that group of friends separate from my relationship and act like the other doesn't exist with the other one, I can't do that. it's my life. And whoever's in my life will know about things going on in my life. I can't shut any of them out. That's what makes it hard. Shutting out and having to break from friends who you thought were 'true' but them not supporting you when you're the happiest you've been in a good long while. It's hard to decide to turn away or what to do from that point on, especially when your friends have been like a second family for you.

Right now, I feel like I'm at a crossroads in my life, in general. I'm only fixated on how to live my life, for myself, in the here and now. Not years to come. Not based on what someone else wants for me. Just what I want. It's difficult to do when you have someone so significant in your life, like Mike is for me. Yet, I've thought out every decision I've made since being with him, and some have been impulsive choices, others not so much. I weigh out the pros and cons to each and every situation. It's a habit of mine. I do that to play everything safe. I may want to live spontaneously one day, but sometimes you can't live the way you want all the time. The real world sucks.

I'm not sure where I'll be career wise even a year from now. I have so many interests and not sure what to do with any of that. I have so many ideas for what I could do with each route, but some are just not logically possible for me right now. For example moving to CA, giving up my job, home, life here, and just taking a risk at finding a job out there in an industry that's huge out there, where everyone is wanting to succeed but rare find what they're looking for out there.

Overall, I'm not even planning getting married anytime soon. yes, of course, I love the guy I'm with and I see a future with us for the long haul, but, right now I don't want to get married. neither of us are ready & not needing a wedding at this point. We take everything day to day and as long as we're enjoying it, we'll be together. I'm happy and I'm not taking anything for granted. I'm going to stay in this relationship for as long as it makes me happy. If I'm not happy tomorrow I'm going to end it. Of course, it will have to be a well thought out process. I can't just make an instant decision like that overnight. Things will have to lead up to it. I'm lucky to have found someone so rare for me, and I'm not going to take any chance at losing that.

I wasn't sure how long this blog would be, and it turned out longer than I planned, but I welcome your thoughts, criticisms, suggestions, ideas, etc.