Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Darkness

This blog has definitely helped me here at work; releasing my thoughts & feelings whenever I feel up to it. I'm in a private work area, so, it's not like anyone's peeking over my shoulder or bothering me while I'm writing.

The car accident this weekend, much like any other car accident anyone would have I presume, gave me a different perspective. Usually I'd ask around to friends if I didn't know or don't know something, and lately I've been wanting to feel and be less clueless/ignorant about certain things; like my car for instance. Today I'm leaving work early to get that taken care of (my tires, that is) - I'm trying to get everything in order instead of waiting until the last minute, or before it's too late.

This weekend is my cousin's wedding, a big reunion for my family and I'm looking forward to seeing everyone. Because of the accident this past weekend, I won't be driving separately like I had originally planned, and same for the following weekend when we go back down to Charleston (for the last time in my grandmother's house that is). . . . it's going to be a sad weekend, and, hard on us, but we'll be ok & survive it.

The quote on this profile is so extremely important to me: You have to have a darkness for the dawn to come. I've found myself in so many 'dark' stages in my life, only to experience an extreme 'dawn' shortly or a long time after. There are moments where I feel like I've lost complete hope. Then, a day or so later I'm revitalized and, I get this strength and I'm not sure where it comes from but right now I have a strength I hope that lasts. I decided yesterday I was going to attempt it, then failed, yet now, I'm sticking to my guns. I'm not going to try so hard with a certain person, or give in as much as I have been. I've been letting myself succomb to everything he wants so easily, making it not hard for him at all to gain what he wants. It's hard to explain really, but pretty much all I'm saying is I'm backing off and giving him and myself space for a little while, and seeing what happens. The next two weekends I don't plan on seeing him because I will be busy with family things, and I don't plan on driving up there again for a bit because of this past weekend. Then again, I've said that the past few weekends and I've gone up there. Now, it's time for a change in that. It's his chance to make a move, and make a difference if he wants to.

I've come to terms with the fact that the relationship I'm in with him right now might not be the healthiest one for a long time for me, yet right now, it works. It's allowing me to grow and making me realize what I deserve and what I need from a significant other. It's interesting that I had to reconnect with an old flame to realize these certain things, but he's been in my head forever.I still love him, don't get me wrong and if this lasts for awhile, it will make me so very happy. Despite the hard times and little arguments we have, it feels right for right now, and I'm enjoying all of the good, and not just remembering the bad.