Thursday, June 11, 2009

His Mistakes

If you would, take a listen to this song. (by Usher) It's been the main topic on my mind for the past week, which is probably why I haven't written. When something's bothering me, sometimes I can write about it, but other times I can't, and this is one of those situations.

It really disturbs me when someone can't get over their ex, yet they're in a new relationship and have been in a new relationship for quite some time. I felt I was clear from my ex getting to me whatsoever. But he swoops in whenever he pleases becuase, in my mind, he had constant control of my feelings, emotions, mood, etc. for so long. And left a huge scar on my heart. Even a year into my new relationship, bad memories seep in and I remember how it felt to be involved with him, time and time again. I'm not sure why I kept him around or felt the need for him in my life, and he's gone now. Because I was so used to just having him in my life, regardless of how he treated me or what fights we had, and constantly being able to talk to him or ask him about something, now I feel I'm missing that, which sucks because of how bad I was treated over the years with him. it's like this void and Mike (my boyfriend) fills that, but it's all about my life changing and adjusting to it. I thought I missed his presence, and although I know I don't, I don't wish him any happiness for what pain he caused me (and other women that I have actually talked to, and he even told me about that he'd hurt) - it turns out he has treated a lot of women he's dated the same, and unless some miracle comes to him, he'll continue to. I just wish I could keep that from happening, but it doesn't look like that will ever happen.

I've been wondering lately how much I've been letting it affect my current relationship. Trust mainly. As much as I know my boyfriend loves me and would never go behind my back and cheat, I question his emotional relationships with people outside of him and me. I wonder how much he connects with his ex's that he remains in touch with vs. me. And everything they shared that I'm not sharing with him, some things I could never share with him. Selfishly enough, it makes me jealous. Keeping in touch with ex's isn't a strong point in my book, and sometimes you aren't able to do it. In my case, it's caused a lot of drama, where in other cases, like with mike, it hasn't, but, its confused people, especially the new people he is dating, dealing with him hanging out and keeping up with ex's but he never likes pushing people out of his life. To him, every one is a friend, and if you break up, remain friends because to date, you had to have a good connection and friendship to make it last as long as it did. I agree to that, to an extent. Depending on how things go between the two of you.

I feel bad letting my past relationships affect my current one, which happens to be the most stable one I've been in, ever. And, he's given me no reason to doubt him. I just doubt the people he's around sometimes and who he hangs out with. And, the influence they might have on him. I know he's grown and he can make his own decisions, his own choices, but sometimes I worry he'll steer down a wrong path, as little as it may be. And it could ruin us. I have many different fears of staying in something that's so wrong for you, yet when you're wrapped up in it, it feels perfect. I don't want to make a wrong turn in my life, and I did before with an ex, and it's left me this way and I don't know how to fix it all.