Monday, November 10, 2008

5 Months+

Friday was Mike & I's 5 months since we met. Our Anniversary. These past 5 months have really flown by, but at the same time so much has happened where it HAS felt like 5 months.

For the past few months, ever since Mike reminded me of him one day, Ray keeps coming up in my head. He's married, used to be my best friend, we loved eachother, were together for awhile. We had an intense connection. I miss him in my life.I pray to God that he comes back in my life, and we're able to be the friends we once were. He's probably the best guy I ever knew besides Mike. He never hurt me like others did, but I was hurt, yet I have never stopped loving him. He has a huge part of my heart because he broke down a huge wall after my first love broke me down, and made me build one up. I am not ridiculous for thinking of him, but I can't believe I pushed him out of my life and actually made myself forget about him for awhile. It hit me and scared me to death that I could forget someone as big as Ray was in my life. I think I was thrown in so many directions that I made myself erase that period of my life, at least for a short peroid of time, because it hurt so much. I don't know how that's possible, still to this day.

I love Mike and I don't want to be without him. He's considering joining the Army, and I don't know what kind of toll that would take on us. I'm glad he's been with me for the past 5 or so months, yet, it scares me that this is just a tease for what's to come down the road. Is this IT for me? Is he THE ONE? Is he what I've been waiting for? Sure, he's lacking a job, and money right now, but I always told myself that's not something I needed in a man to love him. It's becoming frustrating helping him out financially when I'm trying to get stable myself. When I move home at the end of the year, my stress will ease up on myself and on our relationship, thank god. I can't handle all this on my shoulders right now.