Thursday, July 30, 2009

Revelations

Have you ever had a moment when a good friend tells you how badly you hurt her a few years ago, regarding her now husband and her's relationship back when they were dating in the beginning with words you said, and you have no recollection of ever saying those words?

Have you ever had a moment when your current boyfriend does some type of mannerism or looks a certain way and it reminds you of somebody, but you can't figure out who, only to realize when you finally come around to remembering who he reminds you of, it's an ex-boyfriend, who you once thought you could marry, the 2nd love of your life to this day?

These moments have happened to me, 1 yesterday, and the other in the past year, which has definitely brought on mixed feelings all over. Sometimes I have no idea what these mean, and how badly I feel about the person I used to be vs. the person I have become over time.
I apologized to my friend who I hurt and, I remember feeling hurt and angry over these past 2-3 years, but I always just thought it was her that did the hurting; I never remembered my side, hurting her, in the way I did, with the words I used. I just always felt like she didn't care enough, or I wasn't good enough to keep around in her life. What causes memory losses like these? It honestly truly scares me. How could I forget such hateful things I did? And, how could I forget and put out of my memory someone I loved and cared for so much, so much as to possibly marry someday? I want to look into it. Is it because something traumatic happened over those period of years, or how badly I treated myself during that time? Does anyone know?
Wednesday, July 22, 2009

The Beginning

I have been keeping a blog for myself & my peace of mind for awhile now.

Just recently I have decided to share it with the world, and open it up for everyone to see.

I am going to post all of the blogs I've written, dated back to when I first began writing. I used to have (& continue to, for the time being) a blog attached to my myspace page (www.myspace.com/lilquietone44) & from my other personal blog on here and you can check them out there for now. I may eventually transition everything here, but for now I'll keep them both here & there. They date back for years, so if you feel like catching up on my dramatic life, go right on! :)

Enjoy.

Feel free to leave/send me feedback/comments!
Sunday, July 19, 2009

All About Me - A New Challenge

I noticed friends of mine on here who had posted these kinds of blogs, so why not follow in their footsteps? Might be lengthy, but worth it in the end.

Ten Things I Would Say To Ten Different People

1. You have changed me, my life, and healed my heart. No one has ever come close to being able to do all three in miraculous ways. Thank you. I hope I never lose you.

2. I once thought I could love you. I once thought you were meant to be my best friend. Now I know after everything that has been done, been said, that you were only out for yourself in this friendship/relationship we had. When things don't worked out the way you wanted them, you became someone else, and I can't have that in my life.

3. I loved you once, long ago. I'm not sure if it was real love, or just the wanting it to be real love. We've come in each other's lives on and off again, and I had to let that pattern and history go. I'm actually happy now, and I can't let you or anyone else ruin that. Regardless of what happens in the future, you won't be in my life again because you are toxic, and you'd kill me in more ways than anyone could imagine.

4. I wish I had the financial stability like you to pick up where I'm at, and just travel to an area where I could pursue my dream of working in the entertainment industry (music, film, tv, etc.) without any worries.

5. I wish I felt comfortable with my family as you do, sharing every bit of information with them about my life, instead of feeling like I have to hide a bit of myself from them every time I talk to them or see them.

6. I wish I didn't act like such an old lady, as you said I do. I never meant to grow up so fast once I got out of college, butI had a need to do so. I felt overwhelmed living with my parents again, and live the life I used to, but things were completely different out of college, and it's lead to the anxiety I feel all the time now. Thanks good ole independence.

7. You have not been here for long. Things were much better before you came around. I know how to do my job, and know how to do it well, for almost two years now, and when someone tells me I've done something wrong, or not right, it fires me up because I know I'm the one that did it right, yet you did it wrong. I know how to do my job better than you think and better than you put across to me. I know better and I know more than you will ever know.

8. Supporting your children is so very important, especially when they're in changing periods of their life. When you argue with them about how they're living their lives, it pushes them further away, and that's what's happened between you and I. I reach out, and end up paying for it in the end. You seek me to tell you more about myself, yet when I do, there's always consequences it feels like.

9. You want me to be around more, and want our relationship to be stronger, yet you don't see what I see, and don't feel what I feel. You talk down to me, like I'm a child, when we're supposed to have a bond unlike any other. We're supposed to be best friends, and supposed to have secrets for just one another vs. anyone else. Like in the movies :) I still yearn for that, but I don't know if we can get there from where we are now.

10. You damaged me growing up. You hurt me far more than any man has. . . all the violence & abuse. I can't forget all of that, but I do see where you have improved among all levels. I'm glad you are still here, yet I don't feel I can forgive everything. It's hard to touch you, to look you in the eyes, because things were very diff. for you & i's relationship vs yours with anyone else. It hurt more than anyone else's and had far more in it than anyone else's. I don't know how to go anywhere further from that.

Nine Things About Me

1. I've always been passionate about writing, and found it again just of recently being able to blog more on here and whatnot. I pulled out all my old story ideas & stories and plotsI had put together years ago, with all the character backgrounds, places to use in my stories, etc. I realized I wanted to be a write back in 5th grade, and yet only went back to it over time here and there over the years. Now I'm picking it back up again and I feel if I work hard, I can do something with it now.

2. I put on a smile far too much just to suit people these days. My job takes up most of my time it seems, and I hate being there. I'm sick of being there every weekday. Everything seems to frustrate me and there's nothing I can do about it until I find a new one, whichI have no hope for it seems like now a days.

3. Some days I question the decisions I've made & the choices I've had to make over the past year or so. There have been more challenges/struggles but just as many enjoyable moments with the new person in my life. Sometimes I wonder whether because I'm wrapped up in this relationship if I'm avoiding certain things or ignoring something important. I worry that if this ever ends, if I'll lose out on things I should've been paying more attention to while in this relationship. Yet I've tried hard to hold onto everything importnat while still beingin this relationship too.

4. I miss my friends. I haven't been able to spend as much time with them because we all work full time, have differnet schedules and live in different parts of the city. I made a big move moving around an hour away from them, but living closer really wouldnt' make a diff, at least I don't think so.

5. I consider moving away, yet I know I can't leave my job right now. If I could move anywhere right now, it'd be closer to my job, but the only advantage would be savingon gas, and to me, that's not worth giving up this lifestyle yet. Not at this time at least.

6. I love music & hope to work with it as a career someday. Maybe film, maybe television, but music is one of my ultimate passions.

7. I wish my parents knew how much I cherish them. And although we have had arguments and disagreements over the past year or so, know that I love them more than anything. I've never meant to disappoint them or discourage them in any way or think I didn't appreciate them, but they're always at the top of my list. I hate when I don't talk to them every day, or we only talk online but sometimes that's the only way I can get true feelings across.

8. I hate that I'm not comfortable in my own skin sometimes. I hate that I break out like I do, and hate how I stress and worry as much as I do. I wish I could easily get rid of it overnight, it woudl make me a much happier human being.

9. I wish I knew what the future would bring and when I'd be free of this unhappiness that's always following me around, and if I could knwo what I'm doing now, if this is how the rest of my life will be like, or if it will change for the better.

Eight Ways To Win My Heart

1. Make me laugh - I cannot survive with someone with 0 sense of humor. I'm sarcastic and goofy sometimes, and whoever I'm with or whoever I'm around has to be able to put up with that and be just like me in that regard.

2. Support me in whatever I do. Be able to say you will follow me anywhere and be there for me wherever the road takes me, regardless of whether it takes me away from you for a short/long period of time.

3. Listen to me. There are times when life gets me down and I need to talk things out. I need feedback and a truly good ear.I dont' want just an "OK" response. I want someone to be able to have deep conversation with me.

4. Flower me with sweet things, compliments, sincere things, and mean them. Don't just copy what you've seen in a movie, tv show, or read in a book. There are common phrases said like "I love you" and "You're beautiful" but truly mean them. Your eyes can really give away whether you mean something you say or not, and so can your actions. Have everything balance out. Put your heart into everything you do.

5. Get to know me, in and out. My past, present, and future asspirations, dreams, etc. Don't just get to know what my name, age and occupation are for the night, but know who I've been, who I am, and who I want to be.

6. Be happy with who I am, and who I'm striving to be. Don't try to change me into the person you want to be with forever, or want to be dating for the present. Love me for me.

7. There are times I'm going to be low. Don't get mad that I'm low. It's not always because of you :) Sometimes we're going to have fights. Don't just give up and walk away. Fight with me and for this relationship we have. Walking away is not going to fix anything.

8. Be open to different backgrounds, lifestyles, and compromising. We may come from two different places, and if they're not exactly the same, be open to compromises, and adjusting. Not everyone lives their life exactly the same, so growing together is always a big challenge.

Seven Things I Often Wonder About

1. Is he The One?

2. Where will I be in 10 years?

3. Do I ever cross their minds?

4. Am I going down the right path for me in my life?

5. Am I the one that's changed for the better, or have I changed for the worse (and not seen it yet)?

6. Can I move to a new city and achieve my dreams?

7. Will the past ever stop crossing my mind?

Six Things I Do Before Bed

1. Shower, Dry Hair, Pee

2. Check email, myspace, facebook

3. Read/Sudoku

4. Talk with Mike

5. Go over what tomorrow will bring/get all my stuff together for work in the morning, fix lunch

6. Set Alarm for morning (phone)

Five People Who Mean A Lot To Me

1. My Mom (my hero, my role model)

2. My Dad (he's stood by and supported my family and changed for the better over the years)

3. My Sister (she's a protector of mine, and can understand me more ways than I can say)

4. My Brother (an old best friend found recently again, I thought the times had pulled us apart, but we can relate more so than I ever imagined)

5. Mike (one of my best friends, and I love him) - the boyfriend

Four Things I Am Wearing

1. Jeans

2. T-Shirt/Tank Top

3. Socks

4. Boots (new ones I got yesterday!)

Three songs/artists I listen to a lot:

1. Gavin DeGraw

2. Hoobastank

3. Lil Wayne

Two I Want To Do Before I Die:

1. Live in a different state for a good period of time, start somewhere new.

2. Be successful in a job/career that truly makes me happy and does not make me so unhappy it overlaps into my personal life.

One Confession:

I think about my past a lot, maybe too much. I wonder how ex's and past loves are at this point in their lives. Regardless of how I hurt thinking back to things they've done to me, sometimes I wish we never got romantically involved but were friends for life, without any of the unnecessary drama. Then this leads me back to the part of me that gives people too many chances to make up to me what they should've done from the very beginning, so I guess I'm all kinds of messed up :) Some people say I'm too nice. and Although I've held offon contacting any of them, and know I won't ever get the guts to because of the outcomes it would bring, I still like checking up not just on ex's but people from my past to make sure they're doing alright. hoping I didn't bring too much damage on them by walking away from it all.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Other Women

Yesterday's blog consisted of me sharing a book with you that I have been reading: 20 Something 20 Everything: A Quarter-Life Woman's Guide to Balance and Direction ~ by Christine Hassler.

I talked about how one exercise (#1) consisted of dealing with your mother's influence on life, and trust me, I'm not going to make a blog pertaining to every exercise in the book, but this next one I need some outside help with. And it might help me see things differently and get a different perspective. I know there are lots of women out there, and I don't have THOUSANDS of readers, but I don't need THOUSANDS of responses to this. Just a few. Of course more would help but that's beside the point.

Below are some questions. I don't know how old everyone is that reads me, but, maybe if you can spread the word, promote and get my blogs out there (friends only right now due to personal reasons, I hope you understand) maybe get more responses from your own friends for me? Thanks.
1. Overall, how would you describe your twenties?
2. What were your goals during your twenties?
3. What were your primary interests in you twenties?
4. What were the three most fun and exciting aspects of events of your twenties?
5. What were the three most challenging aspects or events of your twenties?
6. If you could go back to your twenties, knowing what you know now, what would you do differently? Do you have any regrets?
7. Do you have any other words of wisdom that you think could be of value to women in their twenties today?
I would appreciate all the responses I can get, if you feel like posting this on your blog or whatnot for me :) Thanks.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009

20 Something 20 Everything

This book has become a huge interest of mine, even before I bought it online, finally got it, and started reading it. I haven't gotten that far into it, but with as much as I've read thus far, it's describing what I'm going through perfectly. I'm 24, and it looks like I'm experiencing a quarter-life crisis. If no one believes me, check out this book, read back to all of my blogs and you'll agree with me.

There are exercises with each chapter, relating to what the chapter talks about with how everything in your life affects how you are feeling. Some of the exercises are detailed but it helps you actually write down your thoughts & feelings towards an issue, think it out, and realize maybe why you are feeling the way you are, how these feelings came up, what started them, and what you can do about them. And why you are the way you are. For example, the first chapter has to do with your mother's influence (if you're a woman of course). And the exercises at the end have to do with how you saw your mother growing up, how you see her now, what you didnt like about her, how you see yourself vs. her, etc. It's helpful because as much as I thought about these things from time to time, writing them down put them into perspective for me. Kinda scary too if you ask me.
Monday, July 6, 2009

The Funny Side Of Me

An anonymous reader of mine has mentioned that almost every single blog of mine is regarding something serious, whether it's from the past, present, or future, in my life.

"I wanna see the funny Lee!" Well....not sure I can show it through a blog but here goes ........something..........

Most of you that know me face to face know I'm a klutz, incredibly goofy, and slap-happy sometimes, but there is also a very serious side. I try not to make everything so serious, but lately I feel I'm more serious than anything, and I'm not so sure if that's a good thing. I have responsibilities and everything pertaining to keeping everything level, stable and not going into debt, and not getting bad credit, but I lose my way sometimes in all the madness it feels like.

Sometimes I think I have been growing up too fast, I grew up too fast, and took on too much too soon for myself. Most of my friends moved home for awhile after college whereas I got a full time job 3 months after, and ended up moving out on my own a few months after I had saved up some money. Most were able to save up a lot more and think more clearly into what they wanted and where they wanted to be. Sometimes I think I moved too fast in wanting to be out there on my own, for the wrong reasons. I rushed a lot back then and now I can't necessarily take it back.

I'm not this serious person all the time. I make the silliest, stupidest comments, sometimes without thinking first. It's just my infamous lee moments people have called them. Even my own mother has said "I can't believe you weren't born blonde!"(no offense to blondes out there) but, it's just a saying.

I hit my head on all sorts of things, everyone has gotten used to it. It's just this unintentional thing I seem to do all the time. Don't even know why. I don't understand half the things my body does, like random falling when I had my balance a second ago. I don't even ask myself or even God these questions anymore haha.

I know when to be serious but I can also be a big kid. I despise when people call me an old lady or say I act like I'm all grown up when I'm still young, at 24, and learning to find my own way. It is difficult when you have so many aspirations and yet money seems to control everything you do: where you eat, what you eat, how much you eat, where you go, how much gas you use, bills to pay, credit cards to pay off, other debt to pay off, every month. It sucks me in sometimes and I let it affect everything else. It's affected my moods, and that affects everything else because I get depressed thinking about how I want to change jobs to save money on gas, to be closer to where I live, yet with the economy the way it is, that doesn't really help.

Overall, I want everyone to know that what comes through my blogs isn't all I think about day to day. There are certain serious topics that may cross my mind and I write it down thinking it would make a good blog and turns out, it usually does. And A lot of people have something to say about it. I love how people are reading me and can relate to me. it's the best feeling.
Thursday, July 2, 2009

Flaws

Stephanie asked all of her readers to share how they feel a significant other or their significant other views them in a relationship. Boy did this get interesting when going through my mind. Not that it never has before, but I had to actually put it all down in writing now. Well, I didn't HAVE to, but I chose to, just to put things into perspective for me. To see what all Mike has to put up with from me.

I've been in several relationships, all of meaningful nature, but some more serious than others. Some I tried harder at than others, and some I didn't care if they were lost or not. I have cared for everyone I have ever dated. Believe it or not, even looking back, those that I'm not happy I spent so much time with, or 'wasted' time with, I still see good qualities in them, and miss the people I thought they were, and miss the people I once saw them as.

I usually care so much about what everyone sees in me, yet at times, I haven't even bothered changing myself because I had no care in the world. Rarely have I ever been that way. I usually worry and stress over everything. Anyways, following up Stephanie's little 'challenge', actually BIG challenge, here goes nothin'. Here goes to being more open and inviting to people, and taking on criticisms, taking on a different perspective.

I have been taken advantage of in my past, so, therefore, this has caused me to be very critical & analytical of every relationship I have ever been in. Most of the time I have been known to pay attention to so many little details, most that don't matter to the normal person, and it backfires against me. I read too much into everything and it causes fights & other issues. I have also been known to keep things to myself, let them build up, until I end up blowing up over stupid things. Assuming the worst is always a bad way to go but I end up doing it all the time.

I am impatient, which occassionally leads to my wonderful temper. Everyone is different and everyone leads their life in a different way. The way I have lived over the past several years through college and afterwards, I get places on time, if not a little bit earlier. I work on things ahead of time and turn things in before they are due, or get things done before they are due. I keep everything on a schedule and like getting things done ahead of time instead of late or just right on time. I've been in situations lately relying on people or needing to rely/depend on people, who are the opposite. They'll get it done, but not when I would do it myself. Therefore, it's been a challenge for me, anxious little me, to put trust and faith in people close to me. It still bothers me but I have to learn one day to be able to do this, otherwise, I never will.

I have jealousy issues, as I'm sure most women do in relationships. The guy you're with has been with women before you, and it's just a fact of life. Do you think he isn't bothered by the fact that you were with guys before him? Sure he is, but he doesn't focus on it, so you don't see that side of him, unless that issue comes up of course. The problem is, I hold onto things from my past whereas, I am jealous of those being treated better than I was when I was with the guy they're with now. Make sense? Even though I know the guy made me unhappy, and they might be a better match, I still wonder too much about my past, why certain things didn't work out, and why I hold onto certain things from my past. It's caused strife in my current relationship, as well as others from my past, but I try not to let it. Then of course I hold things in and not letting them out causes a buildup. It's like a circle it seems.

I never realized how much I complained until recently. Much of it has to do with things not being done the way I want them to (I know, whiney me) but I never was able to complain or do anything freely like that with anyone but who I am now. I need to ease up on it and just take life for what it is, and enjoy the life I'm living because there's no reason to complain. I have a good life, and although I'm miserable at times with the job I have, and I'm unhappy in other aspects of life, I am lucky for where I'm at in my life and what I've got in my life, and I can't take that for granted.

I am scared. Always scared. That my family, friends, will turn out to be right, and I will always be wrong. In my journey, on my path to a better life, to a happier life. I feel I have all the motivation in the world to get to where I want to be, but financially/logically doesn't always match up to where I want to go with what I have now and what I'm doing with my life. Up until recently did I realize a lot of things that I had been avoiding for a number of years of how I was treated by those close to me, and ways I looked at situations. Up until recently I still felt like I had to be that little girl with my family and I'm 24. I've taken a lot of independence in order to get some space and actually follow through with being on my own, in a number of ways. I want to be able to take care of everything on my own, as much as possible anyways, and not have to go running to my parents when every emergency arises, but due to financial concerns over the past year medically wise, I've had to, but I'm glad they've been there for me through everything.

I worry all the time. It strains every relationship I'm in, and that includes family, friends, and romantic. I worry that I have anxiety and OCD because of how picky I've become, and how upset I get if something doesn't go like I planned, or isn't done right, or isn't done by when I wanted it to be done. It's gotten worse over time and I'm considering even going to the doctor about it to get medicine for it. I think ahead to things in the next week and even that far ahead I get exhausted thinking about it. Things that might make me miserable, things I'm nervous about, things I'm dreading, etc.

I love helping people out, even when I shouldn't, financially. I've helped out my boyfriend, friends, etc. especially when they've been on hard times, or have no money whatsoever. I did it throughout college even when I only made $7-8/hour working part-time while in school. I had security whereas they may not have had a job, or been doing so well emotionally/mentally and I needed and wanted to help them out in a way and treat them to something. Now having a salary job, full time, even though it doesn't pay what I should be making or need to be making, I still have that security, and stable job right now, whereas a lot of people don't. I've taken control over it and realized I can't help them like I used to or like they may be used to, or like I would like to be able to. But everyone's fine with it. That wasn't their purpose for being around me of course.

Staying friends with ex's is not always a good thing I've learned. Some people manage to be able to do it well but eventually claws come out or feelings are hurt in some aspect, whether or not you want to be with that person romantically. It's the belonging factor. You once belonged to each other, and maybe saw a future with that person. Now that you're not with them, even though you may not even be in each other's lives, you have this sense of protecting them in some way. And it's just the way it is sometimes. Hanging onto the past is never good, and, I tend to do that sometimes. I can't cut off my emotions to certain people whether they're gleefully happy or angry. There's always some emotion tied to something in my past, and I can't help it.

Writing the last characteristic of myself, led me to come onto this conclusion: Guys paying for me makes me uncomfortable in a sense. I used to be used to it here and there and then eventually it was all the time when I'd be dating a guy. Money isn't everything I've come to learn and find out, more than I ever thought before. Every time a guy would pay, I'd feel the need to say "Thank you" and they didn't understand why, they just acted like that's the way it was supposed to be. And in many people's minds, maybe it is. But I liked being able to pay and say "I can do this myself. I don't need to depend on a guy to take care of me." I appreciate it nonetheless, but it made me uncomfortable in a sense like I was obligated to give something back, even if I didn't want to, or have anything to give back to them.

The last quality I think I can come up with right now is I give people too many second chances, or the benefit of the doubt. I read into too many things (another flaw of mine sometimes) and sometimes make myself out to be the guilty one, even when I did nothing wrong in most cases. I'm not right every time, but I'm also not to blame for everything wrong in a relationship all the time. I've realized that so many people I've given chance after chance too haven't deserved it, have taken advantage of it. And now I'm a much stronger person than I used to be and I'm so much more aware of it. I've let certain friends go because it stands out more than ever to me now. I didn't realize how much I had sacrificed for keeping certain people in my life just because I didn't want to be alone.

Honestly, I've been thinking & thinking, and that's all I've got right now to come up with about looking at me from an outsider's view, possibly Mike's right now.

I've grown tremendously over the past year being with who I am now. He's taught me to be who I am, truly, and to let out what I need to say, and what I feel, no matter who it's against or who it involves. When I've been torn emotionally with feelings from my past, he's always been that guide, that friend there for me to hear me out, to vent to. And I can honestly say I've never had someone like that in my life. He's honestly the only person I feel safe and comfortable crying in front of. I hold back with everyone else, even family. I don't know why this is, but I've managed to create this bond, this connection unlike any other I've ever known, and I can't let it go. I won't let it go.

Maybe this blog has just turned into a general FLAWS blog but it has a lot do with my relationships, especially the one I'm in now. I've uncovered a lot of myself and learned a lot about what my flaws/positives are. Comment Away if you like!