Monday, November 17, 2008

Holiday Season

The holidays are coming, and I'm actually really excited.

I'm in love, and I haven't felt this blessed in quite some time. Some days I don't even know how I got to be this lucky, met someone like Mike, and that God has allowed me to experience love so easily, so young. I know at my age, people have been in and out of long, serious relationships and have experience this feeling numerous times, but not me.

I have been in love 3 times. I questioned whether I was really in love with each and every one of them, but when you know, you just know. I know, looking back, even if I never said the words, to their face, we both knew how we felt about each other and it was a type of love. Each love experience is unique in itself, and, I am who I am because of them. I don't question saying I loved each one of those guys. A part of me always will, no matter what. They have shaped me to be the strong, independent woman I am today. I have low days where I think back to the 'what if's' and my behavior all those times with each one. I can't live in the past, and I'm afraid I do sometimes, thinking too much in the past.

There are a few songs that I have come across that have really made me feel less 'alone' in my relationship experience lately. I've come to terms with how my last relationship really was, rather than how I saw it at the time. It's a sad one, looking back. Any time I get the impulse to try and text or contact him, I stop myself. . . and listen to these songs. Even if they are sad songs, they remind me of how much I should have nothing to do with that certain someone.

Jessica Simpson - "Remember That"
Hinder - "Without You"
Taylor Swift - "White Horse"
Thursday, November 13, 2008

Faith Found

A lot of people have told me about moments where they have been saved by God.I never thought it was possible. To have that feeling overcome you, and feel replenished afterwards? How could that possibly happen?

I once had this best friend in my life, that changed it forever. He will always be in my heart, no matter what the outcome of our relationship/friendship was. I wish I could show him who I am now, and what I've become because he would be quite surprised. I found God.

He and I knew eachother at a time in our lives when we both didn't know where we were going, and what life would make of us, why we were doing certain things and what we wanted out of life. We had dreams, ambitions, and hopes for the world we were in. What we've made of it? We both seem to be on the right track and I love knowing that we were a part of eachother's lives for even that small amount of time.

He used to educate me on all kinds of things, but he also noted certain things that he didn't understand people doing like cursing or drinking. He used to do it, had an epiphany, and became much more dedicated to God, and, realized: what's the point? It lowers yourself and doesn't make you the best person you can be for the world. Change yourself into who you want to be seen as.

As I'm writing this, I feel selfish for all the things I once did years ago throughout college. When this man was in my life, I lied and abused myself with alcohol, and cursed a whole lot negatively. Now a days I don't do it but just for fun with my boyfriend, Mike, and my best friend, Amber, but back then I used it in other ways I shouldn't have. Ray taught me a lot about religion, and life as a whole that I might have never encountered if it weren't for him. He literally "got a second chance at life, and he didn't take it for granted like a lot of people do these days. He took it & ran with it. He tried expressing to me how much he wanted me to see how precious life was, but I didn't see it as clear as I do now.

Now I am with this amazing guy, Mike, and, he has restored a lot more of my faith in God as well, reminding me of the times Ray would talk about God with me. The purpose of this post. It reminds me a lot of how passionate Ray was towards his faith, and why things are the way they are now. Ray was meant to be in my life at that point in time, and there are moments I won't forget with him, that really changed me as a person. I just wish he could see the woman he helped change and save. I know that may never happen though. We've both gone in different directions with our lives, and drifting apart, which, sadly, has happened to a lot of my friends and I.

In moments of weakness, I have dwelled in the past seeking some sort of explanation for why things have happened the way they have, and, why my journey has lead me here. All I can think of in the past is the extreme good Ray brought in my life, and how I knew I wanted him in my life forever. I'm happy to see where he's at now, but I do miss my friend. . . since he was one of the people that did know me best for a long period of time. He has moved on, and doesn't care to share his present life with me in it now, and I have to deal with that, as hard as it is.
Monday, November 10, 2008

5 Months+

Friday was Mike & I's 5 months since we met. Our Anniversary. These past 5 months have really flown by, but at the same time so much has happened where it HAS felt like 5 months.

For the past few months, ever since Mike reminded me of him one day, Ray keeps coming up in my head. He's married, used to be my best friend, we loved eachother, were together for awhile. We had an intense connection. I miss him in my life.I pray to God that he comes back in my life, and we're able to be the friends we once were. He's probably the best guy I ever knew besides Mike. He never hurt me like others did, but I was hurt, yet I have never stopped loving him. He has a huge part of my heart because he broke down a huge wall after my first love broke me down, and made me build one up. I am not ridiculous for thinking of him, but I can't believe I pushed him out of my life and actually made myself forget about him for awhile. It hit me and scared me to death that I could forget someone as big as Ray was in my life. I think I was thrown in so many directions that I made myself erase that period of my life, at least for a short peroid of time, because it hurt so much. I don't know how that's possible, still to this day.

I love Mike and I don't want to be without him. He's considering joining the Army, and I don't know what kind of toll that would take on us. I'm glad he's been with me for the past 5 or so months, yet, it scares me that this is just a tease for what's to come down the road. Is this IT for me? Is he THE ONE? Is he what I've been waiting for? Sure, he's lacking a job, and money right now, but I always told myself that's not something I needed in a man to love him. It's becoming frustrating helping him out financially when I'm trying to get stable myself. When I move home at the end of the year, my stress will ease up on myself and on our relationship, thank god. I can't handle all this on my shoulders right now.