Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Doubting

This past weekend up until last night was pretty amazing. Mike and I got to spend so much time together :)

He took me to his hometown, Vale, to see places he grew up and met some people he hadn't seen in years. It meant the world to me. I think he mentioned me being the first girlfriend he ever brought up that way, which made me smile even more!

After I got home last night, he and I were talking on the phone, and being realistic, how he and I weren't certain of each other, but could definitely see us getting married someday, but that doesn't mean we'll be together forever. . . because death does happen. We're not guaranteed another day together ever.

The thing that worries me, and always had with us, is that someday, he'll realize his feelings have changed about me, and only want to be friends, or, want to end things because he doesn't feel the same way about me. . . that is my biggest fear. The fact that it's already been a little over two months and we're having discussions like we are, means the world to me, but also scares me that things have been going so well so fast with us, that the flame might burn out quicker than expected.

It's been in my head since he said that last night that the next day he or I could wake up and wonder why we are with the other person and realize we just want to be friends. And he has done that before with ex girlfriends; he and the girl will decide that one day and then next time they hang out he can simply switch it to be just friends. I don't know if I could do that. We've never just been friends. That's what I think made me hesitant about cutting ties with Eric. If Mike is thinking about the doubting parts, what does that mean?He keeps saying he doesn't want me to take it the wrong way that he's not certain of us but he could see us getting married, isn't that contradictory?
Friday, August 15, 2008

Cheating

How do you define cheating in a relationship/ What is considered cheating to you?

Last night was a rough night, and I'm not really sure when I'll move past it, or get over it.

I've been with Mike a little over 2 months now, love him to death, don't want to lose him. It's the best relationship I have ever been in, and the healthiest, yet I'm waiting for it to fail. Everything else, and all the other relationships in my life have failed up until this point, so I guess I'm waiting for this one to.

Eric, as I've mentioned before, still remains in my life. The question is why? Automatically in the past my answer to that questoin has been and would be "I love him. I care about him, and we both want to be in each other's lives, whether we're dating, officially together, or not." He was in town since Wednesday puppysitting and housesitting for his sister, Nikki, in Gastonia which is conveniently on the way to Mike's, like 35 min. away from my apartment.We've hung out the past two nights but so have Mike and I, after I hung out with Eric. Both times Mike showed his jealous side and it was good to see how much he cared but I didn't like how everything turned out last night.

I went to hang out with Eric since Mike was watching the game with some other people; I would've preferred hang out with Mike but I had nothing else going on, so I hit up Eric and suggested getting together, chillin and having a few drinks at his sister's since he was drinking anyways. We drink for a bit and then I'm texting with Mike and we want to meet up after I leave there. I don't know why I did not just tell him I was hanging out with Eric but I thought he'd see that very different than what it really was about. I can't believe I lied, and I'm continuing to do it right now. I have to stick to that story. I told him I was visiting my old friend Jon (Cobb I call him) who actually lives down the street from Eric's sister, conveniently.

I had been drinking and was going to meet Mike, but as I was walking out of the room to get my purse telling Eric I was leaving in a minute since I had work in the morning, Eric grabbed my hands (gently of course) and turned me around, and kissed me. I have never been cheated on or cheated, until that moment. I feel horrible. Mike doesn't know we hung out last night but when I was with Mike he noticed texts I had sent Eric when I passed out.

Eric has always been toxic to me and in all my relationships, I don't know why he's still in my life and why I allowed what happened last night to happen. . . I feel sick to my stomach. I want to make it up to Mike but we love eachother, and I dont know why I did what I did. Eric and I were involved wheN Mike and I met.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Motivation

Today is Eric's 27th Birthday. It's been in my head since I last sent him an email this weekend. No response yet. . . and I sent him a "happy birthday" text a little bit ago; NO MORE CONTACT anymore. . . If he doesn't have the means to respond, or much less, the heart, to respond, then he's not worth trying to keep in my life anymore.

Yesterday I was all about coming home and starting to workout again, yet, I didn't. What did I do instead? I pigged out, watched movies, lounged around, and accomplished nothing, other than cleaning up a little around the apartment. Today is his birthday, and considering he has always had this power over me, I have decided to make today my Day One again. This is all for me. . . and starting on his birthday makes ME feel powerful over MYSELF once again.

I stopped working out around the time he went to Thailand a few months ago because I just wasn't motivated to keep going. I felt like it was a vacation from him, and I could do whatever I wanted, when really I could have been doing that all along. Eric knew he had this way of controlling my thoughts and he took advantage of it. Now I'm seeing that all clear as ever, ever since I've been with Mike. Mike treats me like gold without any reason. He just does it. I'd never felt so confident, comfortable and completely fit and perfect with someone. Now I have the right mindset to want to get back into shape, and take care of my life. Starting today I feel like I will stick with it and not give up because if I do fail, I will feel like I'm giving into the 'bad' that once controlled me, if that makes any sense. The 'bad' being Eric.

Don't get me wrong, Eric is a great guy, but he's not the perfect guy for me. I thought he was for the longest time. He was that guy I always wanted, I always worked up to try to be perfect for, and I never was, no matter what I did. I feel pathetic and feel like a fool for seeing how much effort I put into a relationship/friendship with him. . . when he has distanced himself so much from me these past few months. We both did that to eachother but him more so than me. I won't turn my backs on friends that I have been there for, who have been there for me. But for it to happen this way was not in my control, and it gave him more control. I'm done letting him have power/control over my feelings/emotions/heart.He's done.

I feel completely enthralled with my motivation right now. I feel so motivated I could explode. As much as I'd love to see Mike tonight, I know the most important thing is how motivated I feel to work out today. I hope this mindset stays with me for awhile. I'm loving it.
Friday, August 8, 2008

2 Months!

2 months as of yesterday :) Mike and I met 2 months ago, and yet it feels like we've known each other forever!

His birthday is next month, and I've thought of different things to put together for him.
1) Mix cd w/Letter
2) Rock N Rebellion Shirt (his type of style) from Hot Topic
3) Joker Poster (loves the movie The Dark Knight)
4) Raisenets (fav candy)
5) Chocolate Covered Strawberries
6) 3 Doors Down Concert Tickets

I want to give him gifts throughout the day. . . . . . . I'm considering taking the day off & spending it with him/on him, I'd love to surprise him but I'm 45 min. away from him and I'm not sure if he's on schedule to work then, and I don't have his parents # soI can't get in touch with him, yet hopefully I can reel in his best friend to help. I just want to do something special for his bday. . . I've never been able to in the past. . . Any ideas/suggestions? (as to giving him these gifts as a surprise)
Friday, August 1, 2008

Fire In Our Eyes

When I was over at Mike's parent's house the other night, he and his dad were talking in private, while I was over by my car....and not until the next day did Mike tell me what his dad said to him.

His dad told Mike that I was really good for him, and that he could see the fire in our eyes to be together, and that we reminded him of how him and Mike's real mom were in their younger days.

That just melts my heart every time I think of that.