Thursday, April 24, 2008

Fatal Blow

Another fatal blow to my heart.

Comforting lyrics......ones that def. have some meaning to me at the moment. Enjoy.

Evanescence - "Whisper"
No one's here and I fall into myself
This truth drives me
Into madness
I know I can stop the pain
If I will it all go away

Evanescence - "My Immortal"
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

Evanescence - "Away From Me"
I hold my breath as this life starts to take its toll
I hide behind a smile as this perfect plan unfolds
But oh, God, I feel I've been lied to
Lost all faith in the things I have achieved
And I've woken now to find myself
In the shadows of all I have created
I'm longing to be lost in you(away from this place I have made)
Won't you take me away from me
Crawling through this world as disease flows through my veins
I look into myself, but my own heart has been changed
I can't go on like this
I loathe all I've become
Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Darkness

This blog has definitely helped me here at work; releasing my thoughts & feelings whenever I feel up to it. I'm in a private work area, so, it's not like anyone's peeking over my shoulder or bothering me while I'm writing.

The car accident this weekend, much like any other car accident anyone would have I presume, gave me a different perspective. Usually I'd ask around to friends if I didn't know or don't know something, and lately I've been wanting to feel and be less clueless/ignorant about certain things; like my car for instance. Today I'm leaving work early to get that taken care of (my tires, that is) - I'm trying to get everything in order instead of waiting until the last minute, or before it's too late.

This weekend is my cousin's wedding, a big reunion for my family and I'm looking forward to seeing everyone. Because of the accident this past weekend, I won't be driving separately like I had originally planned, and same for the following weekend when we go back down to Charleston (for the last time in my grandmother's house that is). . . . it's going to be a sad weekend, and, hard on us, but we'll be ok & survive it.

The quote on this profile is so extremely important to me: You have to have a darkness for the dawn to come. I've found myself in so many 'dark' stages in my life, only to experience an extreme 'dawn' shortly or a long time after. There are moments where I feel like I've lost complete hope. Then, a day or so later I'm revitalized and, I get this strength and I'm not sure where it comes from but right now I have a strength I hope that lasts. I decided yesterday I was going to attempt it, then failed, yet now, I'm sticking to my guns. I'm not going to try so hard with a certain person, or give in as much as I have been. I've been letting myself succomb to everything he wants so easily, making it not hard for him at all to gain what he wants. It's hard to explain really, but pretty much all I'm saying is I'm backing off and giving him and myself space for a little while, and seeing what happens. The next two weekends I don't plan on seeing him because I will be busy with family things, and I don't plan on driving up there again for a bit because of this past weekend. Then again, I've said that the past few weekends and I've gone up there. Now, it's time for a change in that. It's his chance to make a move, and make a difference if he wants to.

I've come to terms with the fact that the relationship I'm in with him right now might not be the healthiest one for a long time for me, yet right now, it works. It's allowing me to grow and making me realize what I deserve and what I need from a significant other. It's interesting that I had to reconnect with an old flame to realize these certain things, but he's been in my head forever.I still love him, don't get me wrong and if this lasts for awhile, it will make me so very happy. Despite the hard times and little arguments we have, it feels right for right now, and I'm enjoying all of the good, and not just remembering the bad.
Sunday, April 20, 2008

Another Day, Another Fall

I ended up going up to Greensboro last night to visit with that someone special....and it was definitely worth it, yet, I experienced a bad accident on my way back home to Charlotte earlier this evening.

I was entering Lexington, although I didn't know that until afterwards, but the roads were wet, and it was continuing to rain, of course when I'm headed on the road home. . . . and my back tires needing replacing, so they were slick but I didn't realize how slick; it wasn't on my mind at the time. I hydroplaned, spun around on I-85 and thank god didn't hit any oncoming traffic, but ran into the guardrail, which busted my back bumper, spun back around (so i was facing the right way) and finally stopped moving and pulled over on the side of the road. Someone must have seen it go on; there were cars around me but thank goodness not in my way - and so they called it in, and a couple cops showed up, as well as a fire chief, firetruck and ambulance, yet I was alright, just really shooken up. I still can't sleep I'm still shooken up.

The fire chief had to cut some of the bumper off that was obviously dangling.....and wouldn't stay on safely, so then the rest of the bumper he said he might as well take off because it was hanging but seemed like it would stay on, but at the speed I'd have to be going on I-85 like 60-70, it could fly off and end up hitting someone, so he took it off, and now there's more stress on me than ever with insurance and fixing the bumper, and, other money issues I'm dealing with.

More than ever, I feel better than ever about my relationship........and I feel it's so positive; I had so much fun last night and today with him, and I can't wait til I talk with him and see him again.
Friday, April 18, 2008

TGIF

Just for the sake of getting out of work early, I'm leaving around 1pm, and using 3 hours of my vacation. I've got to run to the grocery store, and plus, I may be having a visitor in town for the night, which would definitely make my day & weekend much better :) Work went really well yesterday but today I just don't feel like being here, not that anything is going wrong, but I just would rather be out getting other things done that I've been meaning to do lately, but haven't felt like doing until today, of course.

Charleston isn't happening this weekend. My mom and dad decided to go down by themselves, and I'm going down with them and my sister the weekend after next. Next weekend is something everyone's been looking forward to - my cousin Allison's wedding in Columbia, SC. It's going to be like a big reunion, which we're all looking forward to since we haven't seen the family since my grandmother's funeral like 5 years ago. We rarely see them so it's always nice to get the chance to again.

I've got little tedious things to do around here, so I'll get to those; may be back on later to thrill you all with my thoughts :)
Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Lose Myself

I can't wait til 4pm ---> 40 min. to go!!! The countdown begins........

This may be the actual day I skip working out, even though I've said that the past few days, and haven't stuck to it. . . I always end up sticking to working out everyday, or else I'll kind of feel disappointed in myself for slacking off, so I'll probably end up squeezing in some workout in my relaxation time once I get home from work. Even though I feel tired all day here, I get pumped up and awake when I'm working out :) I love that feeling.

This weekend I'm probably going to Charleston, SC with my mom & Dad. Maybe...I'm kind of not looking forward to it> It's probably the last time I'll be spending in my grandmother's old house down there. My mom and aunt found a buyer and they're closing in less than a month.It's like the last piece of my grandmother to let go of, even though she died back in early 2004. I can't believe it's been 4 years!

Overcoming different challenges in my life feels great. I feel stronger than ever. There's so many different challenges I'm putting upon myself to overcome just to test myself. I haven't been following through with certain things I've said to certain people and now's the time to, or else I'll lose myself again.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Complementary

As I was showering today, as I tend to do everyday haha, a lot of things were going through my mind about how I fought the discouragement I had been feeling earlier today, and fought the tiredness I was feeling after work today and got through it and decided to work out anyways today. I told myself if I skipped one day I'd be feeling like a failure and I thought that to myself and I was like I have the ability to workout, I just don't feel up to it, but my show "One Tree Hill" came on and I thought "I'm just going to work out during the commercials" and I ended up doing that plus completing my 30 min. of cardio once the show as over while listening to music through my digital cable (always motivates me) - music is my passion :)

Then, I thought about the relationship I'm in right now and how far we have come. It's probably very confusing to some of you reading, but I dated this guy 3 years ago, and we've overcome a lot over the years, going through lots of drama and now everything seems to be right> yeah, we have days we don't talk as much and we mostly see eachother on weekends and I won' tbe able to for the next couple of weekends due to family stuff going on, yet things seem really good. If something gets at us or bothers us we don't just shut each other out or get angry wtih eachother, although we may get angry, we talk things outand communicate more so than we ever did before.

I found the perfect way to describe it tonight - We complement each other. Everything he has to offer me, I don't necessarily have or am equipped with and same for him. What he doesn't have, I offer for him. How awesome a feeling is that.
Monday, April 14, 2008

A New Perspective

Today is the start of a new work week, which I'm not too thrilled about. As each day/week passes, I become more bored and wanting to get out of Charlotte, which is not a good thing. I used to feel excited about coming to work because I enjoyed being around everybody here. Now there's only a few people I really *love* being around, and most of those people are leaving at the end of May/June. I've been here since August, but the next couple of months seem like they'll go by too fast when my boss will be leaving me here, and then another part of me feels it will go by way too slow.......since I'm kind of looking forward to finding a new job, or getting out of town for that matter.

I have a great comfortable, laid-back job, but I should be making more money, and after a stressful last week financially worried over money, I was relieved when I got my tax return over the weekend :) I'm in good shape now. I get paid tomorrow too, so it's like 2 pay checks at once, it's great :)

My sister's 26th birthday was this weekend; I can't believe it. She's as old as the guy I'm seeing....yet I see them in completely diff. lights. . . . . he seems so much more older than her, yet he's actually 4 months younger than her, imagine that. The relationships I have with them are so diff. and I've been through all kinds of experiences with my sister, so, yeah, they're different in my head.

This might be a blog of rambling, but I'm at work, and there's not much going on here.

It has been a great start to a new week, and I'm pleased....I'm stronger than I thought and expected to be, and, I just feel like from here on out, things will just be getting better & better :)

The only downside is Greensboro is not that *HOT* in the music business. I'm starting to come to the reality of my dream and realizing I've tried many different routes to getting my foot in the door to the business, and nothing seems to really be working out. I find myself just kind of looking for areas to make more money and dealing with one of my many interests, but I'm not sure what will work out for me in the end. If I do end up moving to Greensboro, which wouldn't be til the start of next year, I'd have a good little group of friends, and could easily make more, and living seems to be cheaper up there as well. It's a town similar to Charlotte and not that far from where I've grown up so I wouldn't be too far; I could come home and visit with friends & family here whenever. That's something that's attracted me to the spot. I've been visiting up there for some time now and gotten to see that it is a definite possibility for me. We'll see what happens.

My dreams of being in the music business...........if there's anyone that could help me, I'd love it but my hopes are fading........
Thursday, April 10, 2008

Timing

Timing is everything, especially when it comes to me.

This weekend definitely changed my perspective on a lot going on in my life. There was my cousin's bridal shower in Cowpens, SC (in the middle of nowhere) but it was a meeting place so everyone could meet up and travel the same amount of distance. We spent most of the day there visiting with my dad's side of the family, atleast some of the women from it, whom I never get to see. It had seriously been around 6 years since I'd seen my cousin (who was getting married!) I'm glad we made it though; it definitely was something we all needed. We had lots of laughs, and it was a good break from the serious lifestyle we'd all been having.

As me and my cousins started getting into deeper conversation, catching up on our lives, we dwelved into our personal/family lives. Our dads are all brothers, so we definitely have stories to share about what goes on at home, etc. Our relationships and views of our fathers have definitely affected other relationships in our lives, especially when it comes to the dating world.We've realized that the moment we see a temper in the guy we're dating or just hanging out with to begin with, that strikes us as an issue to be worried about. My cousins seemed more concerned with the temper than me though. I guess you have to know my situation in order to know what issues I'm referring to. Most of my friends are quite familiar with my family issues because it makes up a big part of who I am. Those of you that do not, well, to sum it up, my father is an alcoholic. Growing up was quite interesting in our household, and it has definitely altered my views on certain situations/relationships in my life.

This weekend changed my again though, and to be honest, it's been quite scary, and emotional, something I never imagined. Those conversations I had with my family & my cousins, those people that had and always would be there for me, changed my viewpoint on my relationship with someone I'm seeing/hanging out with now, and, all my friendships in my life, or that used to be in my life. Lately I've been distancing myself from several different friendships, trying to figure out who's really important and who really wants me in their life, and who deserves to be in my life. There's friends that I know are always going to be there for me, but then there's those that I've done wrong to, and who have done wrong to me in the past, that really shouldn't be in my life. Everything happens for a reason, and that is something I've always buckled down to thinking about. I've done stupid stuff in my past to get me to where I am today, and so have my friends. Everyone makes mistakes, and not all those will be forgiven. I've been very grateful that I have been forgiven for several/many of my mistakes; part of why I'm secure with who I am today. I've accomplished a great many of things, and I'm proud to be where I am today in my life, of course this is just the start of a life of my own, independent, and not depending entirely on my parents.

There's just been a lot on my mind lately and I'm not sure what to think of anything, whether it's the fact that everything that my family mentioned and talked about this weekend changed how I saw things going with me at this period in my life, or whether it's just a coincidence that other things are happening at this point in time to make me feel distant from my friends & others right now. It's just a lot to think about too.

I'm also looking ahead, with my job/career, living arrangements, and location wise as well. I mentioned it to my Mom earlier that I love Charlotte so much, and I've lived here since I was 5, and gone to school and college here (I finished last May), and then I got a job 3 months later working for UNCC, where I WENT to college! It's like so much has changed, but then again, so much hasn't. I was used to this kind of working environment, so I looked hard for a job here at the University. I lived home for a few months, but realized I needed to be out on my own, so as soon as I had scrounged up enough money, I started looking for an apartment and I moved out over Christmas Break, which was the perfect time to, allowing me enough time with the family and not feeling so stressed out about the move over a weekend. Things moved fast, and I didnt save up tons of $$ but I had a little cushion to live off of, and start my life with.

Moving out has definitely helped me in lots of ways rediscover myself, allow me to create my own schedule, and allow me the freedom to live my life and do whatever I wanted with my place and my life in general. It's definitely paid off for the most part. If I were to move home after my lease is up, thats an option I love having, yet I know I might feel stranded to find something new and that might rush me again. I think after living on my own for awhile I've realized paying rent really does go nowhere, and I'd love to invest in a condo/townhouse/house, BUT I don't have the money for that yet, and I definitely won't come 2009, at least the start of it. I have lots of thoughts & ideas going through my head; I just wonder what will ACTUALLY happen.
Sunday, April 6, 2008

Facebook

What do you do when your mother decides to sign up for facebook??

Yeah, I just got an email saying she has requested to be my friend and check out her facebook profile - what has the world come to?? If I don't accept her as a friend, she'll think I'm hiding something from her, and I thought I was all clear! Too bad my family was talking to her about facebook yesterday, and she decides to sign up for it today, dangit!

There go all my photo albums.....and here I go editing my profile some more and stuff people have written on my walls, to make it PG :)