Today I am posting a blog on behalf of my favorite comedian, Dane Cook.
He has come a long way and worked hard to where he's gotten today.
I had the pleasure of seeing Mr. Dane Cook back in July in Columbia, SC. I finally got the nerve to purchase tickets to see him, and take my boyfriend with me, because he is my absolute favorite comedian. I missed him the past few times he was actually in town and so I couldn't pass up another chance. This was the closest place he was coming to me so I drove (or my boyfriend drove) 1.5 hours away. It just so happened on the way down there, we are informed of Michael Jackson's death. Everyone was talking about it in line, and some other interesting things happened in line, but then onto the show.
I was not let down. It was a lot smaller of a venue than I imagined, and I enjoyed the closeness everyone felt there. I didn't feel like I was in Madison Square Garden (although i'm sure that'd be quite an experience, one I hope to have someday), but I enjoyed not feeling so far off from someone I admired so and had followed so much. I felt like we were just in a comedy club like his old days. I know this was the purpose of the isolated incident tour but, I still make a point to share with people that experience.
The DVD is out and you should all check it out and you won't be let down. Not only does Dane Cook do comedy, but he's working with his own production company, and I'm sure you've seen him in his movies like Mr. Brooks, Employee of the Month and My Best Friend's Girl (my favorite!)
I have not been posting on this blog or my myspace blog for awhile because I have been particular about what I've been writing about lately. I felt like it was useless because I had maybe one reader and that was it, but I'm hoping to gain more as time goes on, and as I learn to use Google's Blogger better and get more familiar with everything it entails.
I'm 24, full-time receptionist at the college I graduated from 2+ years ago, and, my degree is not really being used right now, and I have passions in music, entertainment, and photography. What am I doing with it currently? NOTHING. SQUAT. ZIP. I don't have the money to put into a professional or let alone regular digital camera unless I want to wipe out my bank account pretty much, and, I'm trying to put some money away here and there from a part time job I have but it's only a little bit every couple of weeks. It's something, I know, but doesn't seem to be adding up to enough. That's something I've always enjoyed doing, and the thrill of it excites me all the time when I see people with new and better cameras than I've ever had and want.
Another consideration I'm thinking about that I've visited before and threw out the window, was a Master's in Entertainment Music through Full Sail University. It'd be long-distance, online and less than two years, based on how hard I work at it, and how much I get accomplished, and of course how well I 'get' everything, right?
Last night I attended a HANSON concert, yes the girly-boy band everyone has talked about since their appearance in 1997. I've loved them ever since I saw them on the Rosie O Donnell show and saw them live shortly after downtown Charlotte, NC. They played at Amos' last night where they pretty much have come the past couple of years, and will revisit next year when their new album is released :) I'm so excited for the next time I see them live. I saw old faces, and revisited old times with people since everyone there has followed them since the beginning. It made me feel young again, and although I felt extremely stressed at the start of yesterday, I felt carefree and happy, and young by the end of the night. It made me realize what I'd been missing, something to make me happy and feel accomplished and passionate about. Music does that for me.
The day before, I had received a job offer for a teller position at a credit union about 20 min. from where I live. Right now, I commute about an hour to a receptionist job, mostly because I moved away after having it to get out of the main city I was from. I felt confined and wanted a change. I pay $400/month on a month to month lease and I love my house, my boyfriend whom I live with, and my 2 dogs Ava and Cujo. Great, sweet dogs, big babies really. If only it were closer to my job, it'd be PERFECT. But it's not. Of course, I'm also experiencing issues with my supervisor, and although it's just her management style, it still irks me. Anyways, I'm rambling.
I got this offer and it was a great opportunity, but I wasn't exactly thrilled about getting it, much to my surprise because I have been complaining about my place of work for awhile now. Through the interviewing process (just one interview), the guy I interviewed with was nice, and everything, but I think I made myself believe i wanted to be in the banking industry, when I really just wanted a way to get out of my job (which is not as bad as I was thinking of course). I questioned the guy about different perks and they were much better where I'm at now. I had doubts in me ever since I got the offer. And that told me I shouldn't take it. Although i was excited to have an 'out' of this job, I couldn't do it. I was looking at all the negatives of my job before, but now see all the more positive out of it. I have so much flying through my mind, it's insane, and I know if I leave this job, it has to be for something I'm sure I want and am passionate about. Not just to find another job that pays the bills that might make me miserable in the long run ya know?And I was going back and forth the pros and cons of staying/leaving, and I don't regret my decision to turn down the offer. I know it was the right thing for me to do. I then told a couple of my friends to apply to teller positions since they're interviewing a lot and needing more people.
Now moving on to the next step of my life...I'm not going to just keep applying to jobs and treating it like a game. I didn't mean to treat it like one and never intended on doing that, but I guess I was. Sorry people out there that dont like me for that.
Sometimes I wonder what happened to those things I was so passionate about, but let go of. Instead of just being desperate and looking for just any kind of job like the oneI have now, I have to really strive for something better. Better than what I think I deserve at times. Better than I can imagine. Sometimes I don't think I've done what I could have while I was in college, and I need to fix that. If that means going into debt getting a better education, then that's a good investment. If it's spending my savings on something that will make me happier, then I guess I should do that? I don't know. I go back and forth with what's right, what's the correct way of doing things, and then I get stuck again.
Sometimes I don't feel I have the strength to move, to change jobs, to invest in something new that would make me happier all around. I question everything.
It was really good seeing some old familiar faces. Ones from high school I used to be close to that I'd drifted apart from, but we still keep in touch from time to time. I see how successful they've been with passions they've found, in jobs they have, and, then I look at myself and think, "What am I doing with my life?" Am I just waiting for my life to pass me by? I'm not doing anything about my passions, well I thought I was, but I need to try harder than I ever have. And, hopefully that gets me somewhere closer. All I can do is hope.
The following is again, a response to Group Blog Thursday. I understand I'm posting this on Friday morning, but I didn't get around to it yesterday, so spare me :)
1. Your Favorite beverage:
The picture tells it all. Many people may have never heard of this. Even my supervisor's kids (from Arkansas) discovered this when they moved here, and LOVED IT so she had to bring them some from good ole North Carolina when visiting them in Arkansas where they attend college. I forget it's just a local thing sometimes.
2. Your hometown:
One side of main street.
The other side of main street.
I grew up in Matthews, NC. It's 20-30 min. outside of Charlotte, NC (The Queen City). I lived there from age 5-18 when I moved to Charlotte to attend college. I lived in Greenville, SC and Colorado Springs, CO before that, but Matthews will always be my true home. It's all I've really ever known.
3. Your favorite TV show:
One Tree Hill is in its 7th season. Of course, it's drastically changed this year, eliminating two of its original and most popular characters but still doing extremely well for a show of its nature and the risks the cast/crew have taken in changing the show to not just follow in every other show's footsteps. I'm pretty impressed, and thoroughly addicted!
4. Your Occupation/You are in school for:
I do this:
I'm an office assistant/receptionist/secretary; always have a smile on my face; answer phones; multi-task......assist the entire department pretty much. I'm so lucky....(*catch the sarcasm there?*)
I went to college for this:
Just an example of who I'd want to work for - a music company. I LOVE MUSIC!
But I'm doing clerical work, so I can't let that interfere with my dream. It's a paycheck.
5. Your first car:
2000 Honda Civic.
Of course, in the time I've been driving it, it's been through quite a bit, but it looks like this again, now, with hail dents all on it in random places (unexpected tornado-like storm - no warning) ....also no garage/cover. Lucky me. After my parents spent $4500-5000 fixing it up, then comes the freakin hail 6 months later. FML.
6. Your favorite dish:
Topper's Pizza - BBQ Topper. This pizza is like DESSERT for me. I fill up so fast, but this I could practically scarf down the entire pizza. No kidding. "The Best GD pizza in the whole world!" (as I quoted to my boyfriend....and he reitterates back to me from time to time in a humouristic way) - is that even a word? :)
7. Celebrity you've been told to resemble:
Allyson Hannigan. Or is it Allison Hannigan.
Either way, regardless, multiple people have told me I look like her, although I have brown hair, she has red. If I died my hair red, I'd look like her. Not so much sure in this shot though. It was just the first picture I found that was suitable for my blog.
8. Celebrity on your "to do" list:
Good ole Christian Bale. Been a fan since NEWSIES. (If you haven't seen it, check it out. The first movie I ever saw him in. Fell for him then.) I'm glad someone finally caught him and blew him up in this big well known guy as BATMAN but I've known of him since I was like 7....ahh my celebrity crush.
9. Favorite Childhood toy:
My Little Tikes Car. I still remember fighting over this with my little brother. It was my gift when we lived in Colorado Springs, CO, and, I absolutley LOVED it.
I think that was my first Little Tikes toy in general. I loved and wanted a lot of Little Tikes things. I can't believe how much they've even changed this old designed car, and to all the options they have for kids these days in toys. . . I'm jealous!
10. Any Random picture:
In noticing the picture, hey it's a Corgi! Cute dogs.
Funny how I've only responded the past time or two to GROUP BLOG THURSDAYS :)
Anyways, I have to be in a certain mindset to write these days, and you caught me on one of those mornings.
Dear Lee 2003 -
You've heard the same kind of graduation speech for the past 3 years, having to attend every other graduation ceremony during your high school years since it counts as a final exam grade in band class. It finally hits you, after all the buildup to this day, that you won't see the same faces in one room ever again. This is the last time things will be normal, in a sense. Everyone is expected to graduate high school. From here on out, everyone has their own unique life. Some will go on to college, some will work at the same job they have for a few years now, and be satisfied with that.
It's hard to really feel that until you leave this room, and see all the goodbyes' being had, hugs given, pictures taken. It won't fully hit you until August rolls around, and, you're in a whole new environment with unfamiliar faces, unfamiliar settings. You'll be in college, with completely new people, a new start for you. As scary as that might feel now, and as homesick as you might be, it will be a huge adjustment. You'll get through it and learn to love it more than you ever thought you could.
Many of the people in the room you're in you may not have even said one word to. You know of each other, you know each other's names, seen each other around. It doesn't make you friends, but makes you classmates. This is your class of 2003 of David W. Butler High School. This is probably how you'll be remembered to everyone else in the room. Unless by chance, you stay in touch with those you hold close. Who knows, you could reconnect with someone or some people in this room years to come, and become the best of friends with someone you share some bit of past with. Might be interesting.
You might have thought you found love once. You didn't. You thought you did because that was the closest relationship with a guy you'd ever had. Many more will come, and you'll have to start being picky. You can't be nice to everyone, and you can't give everyone a chance. Be choosy. Don't rush into anything you're unsure about. If you have doubts, listen to what your heart is telling yourself, and back off, and take some time for yourself. Just because everyone around you may be in a relationship doesn't mean you have to be as well. You don't have to always follow the crowd. Listen to YOUR heart. Not everyone's heart reads or feels the same.
You will definitely feel lost at times, only to look to those close by you, your loved ones, for the answers and guide to the right way. You'll find it. It might take more time than you planned, but the right answer will find you to what you should do.
A craving for leaving the only town you've really ever known will come upon you, and maybe you will please that craving, maybe you won't. No matter what, know everyone will support you in whatever you decide to do.
Friends come and go. Not everyone stays friends forever. You can't hold onto the past as if people don't change because they do, and not only do people change, but situations change as well. You aren't guaranteed to have all the friends in the world. And no matter what you do, not everyone will like you, not everyone will forgive you for things you did in your past. Some people hold grudges forever. You can't control what everyone will do, think, or feel.
Just be yourself, and be true to yourself. Don't let someone else control you. Live YOUR life the way YOU choose to and want to. That's all that matters.
Stephanie is my role model when it comes to blogging. I love reading hers, getting those email notifications in my box, and it's something I look forward to doing every morning, or every time I check my email for the first time, which is 2:05 pm since I was in bed sick all morning til now. Lucky me.
I haven't been writing blogs lately, and that saddens me, but she's the only one really following me on here, so who knows who else has found me by now.
I used to be on MySpace but then a member of my family got offended by something I wrote, the only family member that read my blogs, so I stopped. It pushed me away from there and to here.
In response to Stephanie's blog, I live with my boyfriend. He used to read all of my blogs until I changed over to here. And then I told him I changed over to here. I had nothing to hide. He read the times I mentioned him and he was like "wow you speak so highly of me" and I was like well, I love you and I'm with you, and I'm always going to think highly of you while I'm still here with you. If I don't admire you or don't think that way of you, why would I be with you, you know? That was his initial reaction when he'd read blogs about himself. I think he was curious to read about my blogs because at the time I had ex's who were coming in and out of my life, and now they're gone. Well the toxic ones at that. The others that have truly been friends, and nothing more, may talk to me on occassion but it's nothing that's going to affect our relationship. He doesn't feel threatened. And I think that's why he doesn't care what I blog about, he doesn't care because its somethingI feel I want and need to do to vent and release the energy I have inside of me.
I want to blog more but sometimes I'm not sure what all to share on here. But I'm honest about my blogs with my significant other and I feel he deserves being talked about from time to time, butI try not to all the time, it might be boring for my readers (whatever readers I have) :)
A recent conversation with my mother (oh yes, of the many), made me realize that I'm true to my astrological sign, Gemini. - I like change a LOT. I used to rearrange my bedroom at home a lot, and, I have started many projects and have yet to finish them, like scrapbooking. I've gone through different phases of 'cravings' and don't end up finishing them, but work at them bit by bit over a period of time. Nothing wrong with that now, is there?
Lately I've been conflicted with a lot of different issues going on in my life: -dermatillomania -parents having issues with my boyfriend -where i live -my job -finances -career interests
The first is an issue I discovered today, which describes something I'm going through. If interested, you can google it and read all about it.
Second, is one I've always had for over a year now since I began dating Mike. I'm sure you've read other blogs of mine relating to the issue, so I won't be repetitive.
Third, my last blog explained why I'd like to move, and everything surrounding that.
Fourth, earlier posts explain how unhappy I am with my job, but I just passed the 2 year mark here, so I get more vacation time per month. By Christmas I could have a week saved up, but how to use it (if I don't use any before then?) hmmmm I also have sick time too. So maybe a doctors appt will come up here and then, who knows :)
Fifth, finances are always an issue. I'm trying to stress less over it, and Mike's working as many hours as he can now, so he is trying to get his finances in order as well.
Sixth, and last, career interests. I've recently got this grand interest in photography, and I've decided I need to build up my portfolio and start shooting again, but since I only have a manual camera (and everything has gone digital now)....i'll need a new camera. For the time being, up until I save enough for my own, I've asked around, and gotten lucky with finding someone with a really nice one that I could use, and use photoshop to touch up and get some shoots in for some examples, and gain more experience working with digital and photoshop. I'll have to do free things here and there, build up my shots, and make a website displaying them all but it's definitely something I'd love to get involved with and I'm taking the first steps towards it. :) I'm excited.
Changing up the font every once in awhile makes things interesting, don't you think? I have been kind of MIA in blog postings lately, not just on here. I miss all the comments I used to get from friends on here, but, I'm going to try to start writing more often again. I kind of went away because a lot that was on my mind I really couldn't express via blog. It was all wrapped up in my head.
The past 4 months I have been living in a city that shall not be named, but, it's opposite from what I grew up in. It's country vs. city. I felt like I needed to leave the city in order to really figure out what was best for me. The city felt like it was confining me and I felt consumed in it all. I worked and lived within a mile of each other, and I felt like I wasn't really going anywhere, then I moved back home, and, it helped me pay off some medical bills, save some money, but I felt overwhelmed living back home with my parents again. Of course, many people went back home with the parents once graduating college to save up money, but I got a full time job shortly after and only was back at home for a few months before finding my own place and I've lived out on my own ever since. I missed the freedom I felt living on my own and having total and complete control of my life.
I've been renting this house for $400, 2 br/1 ba and a nice yard/deck/porch. I love it, but if only it were closer to my friends, family and workplace. That is why I've come down to the decision to start looking for places closer and in the city I left months ago. I've gotten homesick and although getting away from the city has helped me in lots of ways, it's also hindered me in others. Its allowed me to realize whats most important to me, and it challenged me in lots of other ways pertaining to family, friends, and everything with my life in general. Also, I have never seen so many horses, cows, other farm animals, or bails of hay in my entire life like I have in these past few months. I actually pet my first horse over a month ago. I've always loved watching horses gallop and whatnot, and I was amazed at petting one! Yeah.....I'm definitely a city girl.
People in my boyfriends' family used to pick at me for being a city girl, well they still do, and living in the country. I have come to terms with being defined a CITY GIRL. I have no problem with it now. I thought maybe the country style living could be for me, but I've realized it is not. So that's the update for now. I've just begun looking, so I'm not sure when this next move will take place, but this was a great move I made getting away from everything and everyone for awhile. It allowed me to really focus on what I wanted for ME.
I recently got an email from an ex. Someone I had put out of my life; someone I no longer kept in touch with, for good reasons. Far too many reasons to list here right now. If you've been reading my blogs, he is known as the toxic one. It was a simple one line saying "Why are you trying to add me on facebook again?" To me, this is out of character for him. That's why I'm so curious about it.
The only time I tried adding him was back when we were dating/hanging out over a year ago, and, he hardly got on then, so I'm not shocked if he's just logging on there now and seeing my friend request. Good ole facebook bringing people back together, right? ha! If he didn't want to 'accept' me on there, just ignore it, why email me about it? Instinct told me he either wanted to write me and that was a lame excuse to get in touch with me again, or that he wanted to stir some more things up with me, like he has done so so many times in the past. Of course, instinctively again, I responded saying: I haven't tried to. That's it.
I thought about writing a hypothetical letter to him, not sending it of course, but just for my own venting, what I might and would say to him. And who knows, if I had the guts, to actually send it to him. This email just is not his style, and so that really makes me wonder. . . .
He hasn't written me in response to MY response and this occurred about a week ago, but then again, he doesn't check his email every day that I know of, so who knows if he's even gotten to it yet, you know?
I'm going to write a hypothetical letter to him on here, the toxic one, and this may be for my own doing, but I welcome comments & feedback, however you want to put them. _______________________________________________________
Dear Eric -
I was hesitant on writing you again, but your email threw me off. It seemed out of character for you to let alone write me, but to write me about that particular topic as well. Knowing you from before, you would have just ignored it, and gone on with your life, but you chose to stop and contact me about it. Why?
Last time I heard anything from you, it wasn't exactly positive, and you made the point you had it out for me, like I should be scared of you or something. Like I had ruined your life, and you were threatening everything I had worked hard to accomplish up until that point. You seem to over dramatize a lot of things like that, when you brought them on yourself.
You have constantly talked down to me, in all the times I've known you, minus the first few months we dated. You built me up to believe you were someone so incredible, and although I consistently see the good hearted man I fell for years ago, I also see a monster. A wolf in sheep's clothing, as you would describe it. Someone who does not realize how many wonderful people he could have in his life, if he didn't turn them away in the ways he did. And if he didn't dramatize everything to be the end of the world, and the worst thing ever, when they are just normal fights, normal drama that happens in life. It's life. Get over It. Move On.
Everyone in my life - family, friends, new and old significant others, know of my situation(s) with you. Coming in and out of my life, being my first love, someone I cared for so very much. They all can't make sense of why I kept going back to you, kept sinking down to your level. I look back and I don't know why I did that to myself either. I can't explain my actions or behaviors over the past 4 years. Maybe that's why when I told my parents about you, and 3 months later, I told them completely different circumstances, they are hesitant to believe me about the best relationship ever, the one that came right after you and I stopped hanging out.
You have damaged me far more than you could ever believe. Only a few people will believe me when I say that. A few people I share this with, and you know who they are. Every woman you have ever been involved with, no matter how serious it ever was between you and them, between us. It's all the same. As much as I wonder how you are, because of the problems I know you've had, I care far too much for a person like you, that has hurt me and abused me the way you have over the number of years you have. I am lucky to have gotten away, but I just feel sorry for those still around you, who have yet to experience all the hatred and heartache that you bring onto them. It's a circle. You repeat the same situation in every relationship you get yourself involved in. you've even told me that. I'm not putting words in your mouth either. I know women who have really touched your life and shaped you, but you don't change for them. You don't change for anyone, under any circumstance. And you're almost 30.
I do wish one day you meet a woman that knocks you off your feet, that throws you for a loop, that makes you smile, laugh, unlike any other woman has. A best friend in your eyes. Someone you can't talk down to, someone you can't deceive, someone you can't lie to, someone you couldn't stand being away from. And I hope you find that someday. I'm sorry that I'm not that for you, but I could've been, if you had allowed me to, years ago. I tried, and I moved on to someone and something better for me.
The guy I'm with now, Mike, is paying for all of your mistakes. Far more than he should. I've gotten better about putting faith and trust in him, and not being so analytical or paranoid, but it's hard when it's something you grew accustomed to doing with someone like you, over such a long period of time. It spilled over into so many of my other relationships. It was like poison. You are like poison.
It makes no sense to me, that you are still in my life, and I still worry about you, but maybe it's because you reached out to me in a sense, telling me you knew what was wrong wtih you, past and present, and wanted it to stop, but it never did. And it continued, driving me away, yet again. I think that's why I still wonder how you are. I just hope you're doing okay, and hope you get help for all the issues you have with yourself, women, and relationships.
Have you ever had a moment when a good friend tells you how badly you hurt her a few years ago, regarding her now husband and her's relationship back when they were dating in the beginning with words you said, and you have no recollection of ever saying those words?
Have you ever had a moment when your current boyfriend does some type of mannerism or looks a certain way and it reminds you of somebody, but you can't figure out who, only to realize when you finally come around to remembering who he reminds you of, it's an ex-boyfriend, who you once thought you could marry, the 2nd love of your life to this day?
These moments have happened to me, 1 yesterday, and the other in the past year, which has definitely brought on mixed feelings all over. Sometimes I have no idea what these mean, and how badly I feel about the person I used to be vs. the person I have become over time. I apologized to my friend who I hurt and, I remember feeling hurt and angry over these past 2-3 years, but I always just thought it was her that did the hurting; I never remembered my side, hurting her, in the way I did, with the words I used. I just always felt like she didn't care enough, or I wasn't good enough to keep around in her life. What causes memory losses like these? It honestly truly scares me. How could I forget such hateful things I did? And, how could I forget and put out of my memory someone I loved and cared for so much, so much as to possibly marry someday? I want to look into it. Is it because something traumatic happened over those period of years, or how badly I treated myself during that time? Does anyone know?
I have been keeping a blog for myself & my peace of mind for awhile now.
Just recently I have decided to share it with the world, and open it up for everyone to see.
I am going to post all of the blogs I've written, dated back to when I first began writing. I used to have (& continue to, for the time being) a blog attached to my myspace page (www.myspace.com/lilquietone44) & from my other personal blog on here and you can check them out there for now. I may eventually transition everything here, but for now I'll keep them both here & there. They date back for years, so if you feel like catching up on my dramatic life, go right on! :)
I noticed friends of mine on here who had posted these kinds of blogs, so why not follow in their footsteps? Might be lengthy, but worth it in the end.
Ten Things I Would Say To Ten Different People
1. You have changed me, my life, and healed my heart. No one has ever come close to being able to do all three in miraculous ways. Thank you. I hope I never lose you.
2. I once thought I could love you. I once thought you were meant to be my best friend. Now I know after everything that has been done, been said, that you were only out for yourself in this friendship/relationship we had. When things don't worked out the way you wanted them, you became someone else, and I can't have that in my life.
3. I loved you once, long ago. I'm not sure if it was real love, or just the wanting it to be real love. We've come in each other's lives on and off again, and I had to let that pattern and history go. I'm actually happy now, and I can't let you or anyone else ruin that. Regardless of what happens in the future, you won't be in my life again because you are toxic, and you'd kill me in more ways than anyone could imagine.
4. I wish I had the financial stability like you to pick up where I'm at, and just travel to an area where I could pursue my dream of working in the entertainment industry (music, film, tv, etc.) without any worries.
5. I wish I felt comfortable with my family as you do, sharing every bit of information with them about my life, instead of feeling like I have to hide a bit of myself from them every time I talk to them or see them.
6. I wish I didn't act like such an old lady, as you said I do. I never meant to grow up so fast once I got out of college, butI had a need to do so. I felt overwhelmed living with my parents again, and live the life I used to, but things were completely different out of college, and it's lead to the anxiety I feel all the time now. Thanks good ole independence.
7. You have not been here for long. Things were much better before you came around. I know how to do my job, and know how to do it well, for almost two years now, and when someone tells me I've done something wrong, or not right, it fires me up because I know I'm the one that did it right, yet you did it wrong. I know how to do my job better than you think and better than you put across to me. I know better and I know more than you will ever know.
8. Supporting your children is so very important, especially when they're in changing periods of their life. When you argue with them about how they're living their lives, it pushes them further away, and that's what's happened between you and I. I reach out, and end up paying for it in the end. You seek me to tell you more about myself, yet when I do, there's always consequences it feels like.
9. You want me to be around more, and want our relationship to be stronger, yet you don't see what I see, and don't feel what I feel. You talk down to me, like I'm a child, when we're supposed to have a bond unlike any other. We're supposed to be best friends, and supposed to have secrets for just one another vs. anyone else. Like in the movies :) I still yearn for that, but I don't know if we can get there from where we are now.
10. You damaged me growing up. You hurt me far more than any man has. . . all the violence & abuse. I can't forget all of that, but I do see where you have improved among all levels. I'm glad you are still here, yet I don't feel I can forgive everything. It's hard to touch you, to look you in the eyes, because things were very diff. for you & i's relationship vs yours with anyone else. It hurt more than anyone else's and had far more in it than anyone else's. I don't know how to go anywhere further from that.
Nine Things About Me
1. I've always been passionate about writing, and found it again just of recently being able to blog more on here and whatnot. I pulled out all my old story ideas & stories and plotsI had put together years ago, with all the character backgrounds, places to use in my stories, etc. I realized I wanted to be a write back in 5th grade, and yet only went back to it over time here and there over the years. Now I'm picking it back up again and I feel if I work hard, I can do something with it now.
2. I put on a smile far too much just to suit people these days. My job takes up most of my time it seems, and I hate being there. I'm sick of being there every weekday. Everything seems to frustrate me and there's nothing I can do about it until I find a new one, whichI have no hope for it seems like now a days.
3. Some days I question the decisions I've made & the choices I've had to make over the past year or so. There have been more challenges/struggles but just as many enjoyable moments with the new person in my life. Sometimes I wonder whether because I'm wrapped up in this relationship if I'm avoiding certain things or ignoring something important. I worry that if this ever ends, if I'll lose out on things I should've been paying more attention to while in this relationship. Yet I've tried hard to hold onto everything importnat while still beingin this relationship too.
4. I miss my friends. I haven't been able to spend as much time with them because we all work full time, have differnet schedules and live in different parts of the city. I made a big move moving around an hour away from them, but living closer really wouldnt' make a diff, at least I don't think so.
5. I consider moving away, yet I know I can't leave my job right now. If I could move anywhere right now, it'd be closer to my job, but the only advantage would be savingon gas, and to me, that's not worth giving up this lifestyle yet. Not at this time at least.
6. I love music & hope to work with it as a career someday. Maybe film, maybe television, but music is one of my ultimate passions.
7. I wish my parents knew how much I cherish them. And although we have had arguments and disagreements over the past year or so, know that I love them more than anything. I've never meant to disappoint them or discourage them in any way or think I didn't appreciate them, but they're always at the top of my list. I hate when I don't talk to them every day, or we only talk online but sometimes that's the only way I can get true feelings across.
8. I hate that I'm not comfortable in my own skin sometimes. I hate that I break out like I do, and hate how I stress and worry as much as I do. I wish I could easily get rid of it overnight, it woudl make me a much happier human being.
9. I wish I knew what the future would bring and when I'd be free of this unhappiness that's always following me around, and if I could knwo what I'm doing now, if this is how the rest of my life will be like, or if it will change for the better.
Eight Ways To Win My Heart
1. Make me laugh - I cannot survive with someone with 0 sense of humor. I'm sarcastic and goofy sometimes, and whoever I'm with or whoever I'm around has to be able to put up with that and be just like me in that regard.
2. Support me in whatever I do. Be able to say you will follow me anywhere and be there for me wherever the road takes me, regardless of whether it takes me away from you for a short/long period of time.
3. Listen to me. There are times when life gets me down and I need to talk things out. I need feedback and a truly good ear.I dont' want just an "OK" response. I want someone to be able to have deep conversation with me.
4. Flower me with sweet things, compliments, sincere things, and mean them. Don't just copy what you've seen in a movie, tv show, or read in a book. There are common phrases said like "I love you" and "You're beautiful" but truly mean them. Your eyes can really give away whether you mean something you say or not, and so can your actions. Have everything balance out. Put your heart into everything you do.
5. Get to know me, in and out. My past, present, and future asspirations, dreams, etc. Don't just get to know what my name, age and occupation are for the night, but know who I've been, who I am, and who I want to be.
6. Be happy with who I am, and who I'm striving to be. Don't try to change me into the person you want to be with forever, or want to be dating for the present. Love me for me.
7. There are times I'm going to be low. Don't get mad that I'm low. It's not always because of you :) Sometimes we're going to have fights. Don't just give up and walk away. Fight with me and for this relationship we have. Walking away is not going to fix anything.
8. Be open to different backgrounds, lifestyles, and compromising. We may come from two different places, and if they're not exactly the same, be open to compromises, and adjusting. Not everyone lives their life exactly the same, so growing together is always a big challenge.
Seven Things I Often Wonder About
1. Is he The One?
2. Where will I be in 10 years?
3. Do I ever cross their minds?
4. Am I going down the right path for me in my life?
5. Am I the one that's changed for the better, or have I changed for the worse (and not seen it yet)?
6. Can I move to a new city and achieve my dreams?
7. Will the past ever stop crossing my mind?
Six Things I Do Before Bed
1. Shower, Dry Hair, Pee
2. Check email, myspace, facebook
4. Talk with Mike
5. Go over what tomorrow will bring/get all my stuff together for work in the morning, fix lunch
6. Set Alarm for morning (phone)
Five People Who Mean A Lot To Me
1. My Mom (my hero, my role model)
2. My Dad (he's stood by and supported my family and changed for the better over the years)
3. My Sister (she's a protector of mine, and can understand me more ways than I can say)
4. My Brother (an old best friend found recently again, I thought the times had pulled us apart, but we can relate more so than I ever imagined)
5. Mike (one of my best friends, and I love him) - the boyfriend
Four Things I Am Wearing
2. T-Shirt/Tank Top
4. Boots (new ones I got yesterday!)
Three songs/artists I listen to a lot:
1. Gavin DeGraw
3. Lil Wayne
Two I Want To Do Before I Die:
1. Live in a different state for a good period of time, start somewhere new.
2. Be successful in a job/career that truly makes me happy and does not make me so unhappy it overlaps into my personal life.
I think about my past a lot, maybe too much. I wonder how ex's and past loves are at this point in their lives. Regardless of how I hurt thinking back to things they've done to me, sometimes I wish we never got romantically involved but were friends for life, without any of the unnecessary drama. Then this leads me back to the part of me that gives people too many chances to make up to me what they should've done from the very beginning, so I guess I'm all kinds of messed up :) Some people say I'm too nice. and Although I've held offon contacting any of them, and know I won't ever get the guts to because of the outcomes it would bring, I still like checking up not just on ex's but people from my past to make sure they're doing alright. hoping I didn't bring too much damage on them by walking away from it all.
Yesterday's blog consisted of me sharing a book with you that I have been reading: 20 Something 20 Everything: A Quarter-Life Woman's Guide to Balance and Direction ~ by Christine Hassler.
I talked about how one exercise (#1) consisted of dealing with your mother's influence on life, and trust me, I'm not going to make a blog pertaining to every exercise in the book, but this next one I need some outside help with. And it might help me see things differently and get a different perspective. I know there are lots of women out there, and I don't have THOUSANDS of readers, but I don't need THOUSANDS of responses to this. Just a few. Of course more would help but that's beside the point.
Below are some questions. I don't know how old everyone is that reads me, but, maybe if you can spread the word, promote and get my blogs out there (friends only right now due to personal reasons, I hope you understand) maybe get more responses from your own friends for me? Thanks. 1. Overall, how would you describe your twenties? 2. What were your goals during your twenties? 3. What were your primary interests in you twenties? 4. What were the three most fun and exciting aspects of events of your twenties? 5. What were the three most challenging aspects or events of your twenties? 6. If you could go back to your twenties, knowing what you know now, what would you do differently? Do you have any regrets? 7. Do you have any other words of wisdom that you think could be of value to women in their twenties today? I would appreciate all the responses I can get, if you feel like posting this on your blog or whatnot for me :) Thanks.
This book has become a huge interest of mine, even before I bought it online, finally got it, and started reading it. I haven't gotten that far into it, but with as much as I've read thus far, it's describing what I'm going through perfectly. I'm 24, and it looks like I'm experiencing a quarter-life crisis. If no one believes me, check out this book, read back to all of my blogs and you'll agree with me.
There are exercises with each chapter, relating to what the chapter talks about with how everything in your life affects how you are feeling. Some of the exercises are detailed but it helps you actually write down your thoughts & feelings towards an issue, think it out, and realize maybe why you are feeling the way you are, how these feelings came up, what started them, and what you can do about them. And why you are the way you are. For example, the first chapter has to do with your mother's influence (if you're a woman of course). And the exercises at the end have to do with how you saw your mother growing up, how you see her now, what you didnt like about her, how you see yourself vs. her, etc. It's helpful because as much as I thought about these things from time to time, writing them down put them into perspective for me. Kinda scary too if you ask me.
An anonymous reader of mine has mentioned that almost every single blog of mine is regarding something serious, whether it's from the past, present, or future, in my life.
"I wanna see the funny Lee!" Well....not sure I can show it through a blog but here goes ........something..........
Most of you that know me face to face know I'm a klutz, incredibly goofy, and slap-happy sometimes, but there is also a very serious side. I try not to make everything so serious, but lately I feel I'm more serious than anything, and I'm not so sure if that's a good thing. I have responsibilities and everything pertaining to keeping everything level, stable and not going into debt, and not getting bad credit, but I lose my way sometimes in all the madness it feels like.
Sometimes I think I have been growing up too fast, I grew up too fast, and took on too much too soon for myself. Most of my friends moved home for awhile after college whereas I got a full time job 3 months after, and ended up moving out on my own a few months after I had saved up some money. Most were able to save up a lot more and think more clearly into what they wanted and where they wanted to be. Sometimes I think I moved too fast in wanting to be out there on my own, for the wrong reasons. I rushed a lot back then and now I can't necessarily take it back.
I'm not this serious person all the time. I make the silliest, stupidest comments, sometimes without thinking first. It's just my infamous lee moments people have called them. Even my own mother has said "I can't believe you weren't born blonde!"(no offense to blondes out there) but, it's just a saying.
I hit my head on all sorts of things, everyone has gotten used to it. It's just this unintentional thing I seem to do all the time. Don't even know why. I don't understand half the things my body does, like random falling when I had my balance a second ago. I don't even ask myself or even God these questions anymore haha.
I know when to be serious but I can also be a big kid. I despise when people call me an old lady or say I act like I'm all grown up when I'm still young, at 24, and learning to find my own way. It is difficult when you have so many aspirations and yet money seems to control everything you do: where you eat, what you eat, how much you eat, where you go, how much gas you use, bills to pay, credit cards to pay off, other debt to pay off, every month. It sucks me in sometimes and I let it affect everything else. It's affected my moods, and that affects everything else because I get depressed thinking about how I want to change jobs to save money on gas, to be closer to where I live, yet with the economy the way it is, that doesn't really help.
Overall, I want everyone to know that what comes through my blogs isn't all I think about day to day. There are certain serious topics that may cross my mind and I write it down thinking it would make a good blog and turns out, it usually does. And A lot of people have something to say about it. I love how people are reading me and can relate to me. it's the best feeling.
Stephanie asked all of her readers to share how they feel a significant other or their significant other views them in a relationship. Boy did this get interesting when going through my mind. Not that it never has before, but I had to actually put it all down in writing now. Well, I didn't HAVE to, but I chose to, just to put things into perspective for me. To see what all Mike has to put up with from me.
I've been in several relationships, all of meaningful nature, but some more serious than others. Some I tried harder at than others, and some I didn't care if they were lost or not. I have cared for everyone I have ever dated. Believe it or not, even looking back, those that I'm not happy I spent so much time with, or 'wasted' time with, I still see good qualities in them, and miss the people I thought they were, and miss the people I once saw them as.
I usually care so much about what everyone sees in me, yet at times, I haven't even bothered changing myself because I had no care in the world. Rarely have I ever been that way. I usually worry and stress over everything. Anyways, following up Stephanie's little 'challenge', actually BIG challenge, here goes nothin'. Here goes to being more open and inviting to people, and taking on criticisms, taking on a different perspective.
I have been taken advantage of in my past, so, therefore, this has caused me to be very critical & analytical of every relationship I have ever been in. Most of the time I have been known to pay attention to so many little details, most that don't matter to the normal person, and it backfires against me. I read too much into everything and it causes fights & other issues. I have also been known to keep things to myself, let them build up, until I end up blowing up over stupid things. Assuming the worst is always a bad way to go but I end up doing it all the time.
I am impatient, which occassionally leads to my wonderful temper. Everyone is different and everyone leads their life in a different way. The way I have lived over the past several years through college and afterwards, I get places on time, if not a little bit earlier. I work on things ahead of time and turn things in before they are due, or get things done before they are due. I keep everything on a schedule and like getting things done ahead of time instead of late or just right on time. I've been in situations lately relying on people or needing to rely/depend on people, who are the opposite. They'll get it done, but not when I would do it myself. Therefore, it's been a challenge for me, anxious little me, to put trust and faith in people close to me. It still bothers me but I have to learn one day to be able to do this, otherwise, I never will.
I have jealousy issues, as I'm sure most women do in relationships. The guy you're with has been with women before you, and it's just a fact of life. Do you think he isn't bothered by the fact that you were with guys before him? Sure he is, but he doesn't focus on it, so you don't see that side of him, unless that issue comes up of course. The problem is, I hold onto things from my past whereas, I am jealous of those being treated better than I was when I was with the guy they're with now. Make sense? Even though I know the guy made me unhappy, and they might be a better match, I still wonder too much about my past, why certain things didn't work out, and why I hold onto certain things from my past. It's caused strife in my current relationship, as well as others from my past, but I try not to let it. Then of course I hold things in and not letting them out causes a buildup. It's like a circle it seems.
I never realized how much I complained until recently. Much of it has to do with things not being done the way I want them to (I know, whiney me) but I never was able to complain or do anything freely like that with anyone but who I am now. I need to ease up on it and just take life for what it is, and enjoy the life I'm living because there's no reason to complain. I have a good life, and although I'm miserable at times with the job I have, and I'm unhappy in other aspects of life, I am lucky for where I'm at in my life and what I've got in my life, and I can't take that for granted.
I am scared. Always scared. That my family, friends, will turn out to be right, and I will always be wrong. In my journey, on my path to a better life, to a happier life. I feel I have all the motivation in the world to get to where I want to be, but financially/logically doesn't always match up to where I want to go with what I have now and what I'm doing with my life. Up until recently did I realize a lot of things that I had been avoiding for a number of years of how I was treated by those close to me, and ways I looked at situations. Up until recently I still felt like I had to be that little girl with my family and I'm 24. I've taken a lot of independence in order to get some space and actually follow through with being on my own, in a number of ways. I want to be able to take care of everything on my own, as much as possible anyways, and not have to go running to my parents when every emergency arises, but due to financial concerns over the past year medically wise, I've had to, but I'm glad they've been there for me through everything.
I worry all the time. It strains every relationship I'm in, and that includes family, friends, and romantic. I worry that I have anxiety and OCD because of how picky I've become, and how upset I get if something doesn't go like I planned, or isn't done right, or isn't done by when I wanted it to be done. It's gotten worse over time and I'm considering even going to the doctor about it to get medicine for it. I think ahead to things in the next week and even that far ahead I get exhausted thinking about it. Things that might make me miserable, things I'm nervous about, things I'm dreading, etc.
I love helping people out, even when I shouldn't, financially. I've helped out my boyfriend, friends, etc. especially when they've been on hard times, or have no money whatsoever. I did it throughout college even when I only made $7-8/hour working part-time while in school. I had security whereas they may not have had a job, or been doing so well emotionally/mentally and I needed and wanted to help them out in a way and treat them to something. Now having a salary job, full time, even though it doesn't pay what I should be making or need to be making, I still have that security, and stable job right now, whereas a lot of people don't. I've taken control over it and realized I can't help them like I used to or like they may be used to, or like I would like to be able to. But everyone's fine with it. That wasn't their purpose for being around me of course.
Staying friends with ex's is not always a good thing I've learned. Some people manage to be able to do it well but eventually claws come out or feelings are hurt in some aspect, whether or not you want to be with that person romantically. It's the belonging factor. You once belonged to each other, and maybe saw a future with that person. Now that you're not with them, even though you may not even be in each other's lives, you have this sense of protecting them in some way. And it's just the way it is sometimes. Hanging onto the past is never good, and, I tend to do that sometimes. I can't cut off my emotions to certain people whether they're gleefully happy or angry. There's always some emotion tied to something in my past, and I can't help it.
Writing the last characteristic of myself, led me to come onto this conclusion: Guys paying for me makes me uncomfortable in a sense. I used to be used to it here and there and then eventually it was all the time when I'd be dating a guy. Money isn't everything I've come to learn and find out, more than I ever thought before. Every time a guy would pay, I'd feel the need to say "Thank you" and they didn't understand why, they just acted like that's the way it was supposed to be. And in many people's minds, maybe it is. But I liked being able to pay and say "I can do this myself. I don't need to depend on a guy to take care of me." I appreciate it nonetheless, but it made me uncomfortable in a sense like I was obligated to give something back, even if I didn't want to, or have anything to give back to them.
The last quality I think I can come up with right now is I give people too many second chances, or the benefit of the doubt. I read into too many things (another flaw of mine sometimes) and sometimes make myself out to be the guilty one, even when I did nothing wrong in most cases. I'm not right every time, but I'm also not to blame for everything wrong in a relationship all the time. I've realized that so many people I've given chance after chance too haven't deserved it, have taken advantage of it. And now I'm a much stronger person than I used to be and I'm so much more aware of it. I've let certain friends go because it stands out more than ever to me now. I didn't realize how much I had sacrificed for keeping certain people in my life just because I didn't want to be alone.
Honestly, I've been thinking & thinking, and that's all I've got right now to come up with about looking at me from an outsider's view, possibly Mike's right now.
I've grown tremendously over the past year being with who I am now. He's taught me to be who I am, truly, and to let out what I need to say, and what I feel, no matter who it's against or who it involves. When I've been torn emotionally with feelings from my past, he's always been that guide, that friend there for me to hear me out, to vent to. And I can honestly say I've never had someone like that in my life. He's honestly the only person I feel safe and comfortable crying in front of. I hold back with everyone else, even family. I don't know why this is, but I've managed to create this bond, this connection unlike any other I've ever known, and I can't let it go. I won't let it go.
Maybe this blog has just turned into a general FLAWS blog but it has a lot do with my relationships, especially the one I'm in now. I've uncovered a lot of myself and learned a lot about what my flaws/positives are. Comment Away if you like!
Since I began writing these blogs, I have been torn between why I took such a long break from writing.....why I only write when things are on my mind, and why at times do I blog every day, sometimes more than once a day, and then don't blog for another week?
My boyfriend, Mike, who I have mentioned in previous blogs, has begun a novel of his own. This is not a shock to me. His writing is amazing and I wish I could write like he does, as easy as it comes to him. I have to really plan out what I'm going to write about. Sometimes it flows well, when other times it doesn't. I'm sure everyone has experienced writer's block.
I may know a topic I want to write about, but starting it is always a challenege. I want people to be wrapped up in what I'm sharing, and not falling asleep to it. These blogs have been helpful in learning how I write, what I'm writing about, and what people like hearing about. I know I'd love to be able to write a novel dealing with my perspective on life, my experiences, but something has to be really attention-grabbing to get anything close to being published these days, right? Or will they just publish anything? haha I don't know how the book world is out there, but I'm guessing some of you may know? I'm not looking to get published. My blogs are for my sharing, my own journal-like thing that is public and I get feedback from. Believe it or not, I get a lot of positive feedback so as to let me know I'm not alone in this world as to how I feel towards certain situations and it makes me feel more at ease and less CRAZY (which is always helpful right?)
I brought back out all my story ideas, all my notes in how I used to write even back in elementary/middle school. Every trip I'd go on with my family I'd take pads of paper, write down unique places I'd see, to use them in future writings, as well as unique names I'd hear and learn about. It was just a hobby of mine. Looking back now I remember picturing my stories as if they were movies, or would-be movies. I'd use characters from some of my favorite movies, and give them different storylines, maybe incorporating what the movies were about that I saw them in, as the characters they were. I skipped the whole screenwriting stage in my head haha. I looked at life more easier back then. I think back to how much I dreamed of being a writer, then how my dreams turned to wanting to be a teacher, then now where I dream of working with music. If anyone watches the show ONE TREE HILL, the way I feel about music is through Peyton's character. That's ME. That's who and how I am. Music is an incredible part of who I am, and helps me through a lot. It's a way I know how to express my feelings, and it just makes everything okay sometimes.
That's an incredible connection Mike and I share, both loving to write and being able to share that passion of music. Every other guy I dated I used to share my passion of music with them, and they never got it. Mike gets it, and me, and that's an incredible feeling I've never had before. I'm so lucky to have him in my life. He motivates me every day with every thing that comes to my mind. He follows me every step of the way with any thought or idea I have and that's something I've always needed and yearned for.
The point of this blog is to share with everyone that I'm considering putting together a book of my own. Not sure what kind of book, maybe a novel, maybe of personal memoirs, maybe a little of both, but I need guidance, and advice/suggestions from those out there. I'm not sure. I just began seriously considering this. All I know is I love hearing back from everyone out there in regards to what I post about what's going on in my life. It's very uplifting and I like knowing I'm not alone in how I've felt in the past. I'm sure others, if they knew I was here, would appreciate my sincerity in sharing all of these emotions I've felt, and there's lots more than what I've just posted on here.
I keep a list of different topics that come to mind - topics that I could write so much about, not just a sentence or two. Sometimes I write down topics I'd like to research about, and write about to share with all of you. Writing is become much more of an anti-drug to me, much like music has become. I've missed it. And I don't want to stop.
There are many times when I look at my life compared to others, and realize I'm incredibly lucky, but at the same time,I feel like my life is missing something. In the past, i've written about not being happy at my job, wanting something more, possible graduate school opportunities, but right now I have one thing in mind, and that is, that a risk is to be taken; but when do I take it, where do I take it, and how do I take it?
Everyone is always telling me that if I don't take a risk, I won't ever know what the outcome will be. I tend to always assume the worst about situations, expecting things to not work out before even trying anything of them. I like to always be prepared for the worst, just in case it happens to me.
Right now, I have one place in mind I am considering to move. A lot of people support me in my idea to move there. And I would hope many more would too. It's a huge risk to move this far away, and, although I know jobs are available, regardless of what everyone says, it's just a matter of finding them, and that would be an extreme challenge for me living far away from this place. I don't have much earned time off either that I could take, but at the same time, I'm also not planning on this happening but maybe within the next year sometime. I like preparing and thinking ahead from what's to come, so if I stress about it now, I'll get all the negative thinking out of my head, so when it comes time to make a serious decision, I'll be thrown in the right direction for me.
This might give it away, but I visited Wilmington this past weekend for a night. My little brother goes to UNCW there, and I got to meet up with him while visiting. He gave me a lot of comfort in thoughts I'd been having and future moves I had in mind, and he supported me and told me what I'd have to do. Although he is my little brother, he acts like a big brother at times, especially these when I need that support and people guiding me in the right direction. I'm at a standstill right now, and it feels like something exciting is bound to happen, but at the same time, I feel like I have to make a big move in some regard to get it to happen.
It's a beautiful place, and hey, my favorite show is filmed there ("One Tree Hill")!
My problem is I'm in Charlotte, NC with opportunities around me for all kinds of different jobs, but I want to work in the entertainment industry. I used to focus just on music, and that's definitely still my ultimate passion and dream to work with music, yet I am interested in everything entertainment. I'm willing to work from the bottom up and using my administrative experience, I could start doing that from the bottom up. It's just finding a company like that that needs someone like me, or wants someone like me. I've researched different production companies and tried contacting some, but have a few in mind that could really be a huge impact on my life and career, and, I've yet to hear anything back.
I know I'm not the only one in the world with passions like this, but I just wish someone would give me a break, and I'd get lucky and manage to meet someone to give me that big break vs. having to settle for something less than what I love and what I'd love to contribute to in life. I want to get lucky.
Is that too much to ask?
I know that if the UNC sytems weren't on a hiring freeze I could easily transfer in the UNC system usually, but at the same time, I'm not getting my hopes up. I don't know what kind of jobs will be available, if any, once I decide to, if I decide to move out there. I know I'm growing up and taking this plunge would be a huge challenge and change, from my comfort zone, but I know I have the strength to do it, if it will help me in the long run overall.
When I go back through my old postings, I feel like I'm reading those of another live. It's so weird going back to the moment I wrote those, and all of the feelings rush back and I can even picture what was going on in my head, on that day, and how I felt to the T. I felt I'd share some with you, whether they're just quotes, personal feelings, or something else. Read on. A lot of you know I had a bad past with a certain someone, and well now that he's out everything seems so much better, but he filled my head with a lot of dark thoughts, and I'm glad those aren't around anymore. The clouds have lifted.
I'm a big quote fanatic. If I come across one, or more, that really hit home with me, I definitely love sharing them with everyone I know. Some are as follows:
It's not whether you get knocked down. It's whether you get up again.
You may not end up where you thought you were going, but you will always end up where you were meant to be.
Real love is a self-enlarging experience.
Embrace those who love you and whom you love, and rid yourself of those who will only bring you down.
The only people you need in your life are the ones who prove that they need or even want you in theirs....
We all have big changes in our lives that are more or less a second chance.
Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.
you have three choices in your life: give up . give in. or give it all you got
sometimes people come into your life & you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, to teach you a lesson, or to help you figure out who you are and who you want to be.
Things happen for a reason. We may not know it at the time but they can be the best things that happened.
Just look back on, How far we've come. We've made it somehow, Look where we are now. We learned to open our eyes, Now I both think we'd agree, That we're better off than when we started. And the best is yet to come. 'cause our story isn't done. All we've done, Our battles won. ~Hoobastank "Look Where We Are"
Today is the start of a new work week, which I'm not too thrilled about. As each day/week passes, I become more bored and wanting to get out of Charlotte, which is not a good thing. I used to feel excited about coming to work because I enjoyed being around everybody here. Now there's only a few people I really *love* being around, and most of those people are leaving at the end of May/June. I've been here since August, but the next couple of months seem like they'll go by too fast when my boss will be leaving me here, and then another part of me feels it will go by way too slow.......since I'm kind of looking forward to finding a new job, or getting out of town for that matter.
I have a great comfortable, laid-back job, but I should be making more money, and after a stressful last week financially worried over money, I was relieved when I got my tax return over the weekend :) I'm in good shape now. I get paid tomorrow too, so it's like 2 pay checks at once, it's great :)
My sister's 26th birthday was this weekend; I can't believe it. She's as old as the guy I'm seeing....yet I see them in completely diff. lights. . . . . he seems so much more older than her, yet he's actually 4 months younger than her, imagine that. The relationships I have with them are so diff. and I've been through all kinds of experiences with my sister, so, yeah, they're different in my head.
This might be a blog of rambling, but I'm at work, and there's not much going on here.
It has been a great start to a new week, and I'm pleased....I'm stronger than I thought and expected to be, and, I just feel like from here on out, things will just be getting better & better :)
The only downside is Greensboro is not that *HOT* in the music business. I'm starting to come to the reality of my dream and realizing I've tried many different routes to getting my foot in the door to the business, and nothing seems to really be working out. I find myself just kind of looking for areas to make more money and dealing with one of my many interests, but I'm not sure what will work out for me in the end. If I do end up moving to Greensboro, which wouldn't be til the start of next year, I'd have a good little group of friends, and could easily make more, and living seems to be cheaper up there as well. It's a town similar to Charlotte and not that far from where I've grown up so I wouldn't be too far; I could come home and visit with friends & family here whenever. That's something that's attracted me to the spot. I've been visiting up there for some time now and gotten to see that it is a definite possibility for me. We'll see what happens.
My dreams of being in the music business...........if there's anyone that could help me, I'd love it but my hopes are fading........ ______________________________________________________________________________________From: 4/15/08 Complementary As I was showering today, as I tend to do everyday haha, a lot of things were going through my mind about how I fought the discouragement I had been feeling earlier today, and fought the tiredness I was feeling after work today and got through it and decided to work out anyways today. I told myself if I skipped one day I'd be feeling like a failure and I thought that to myself and I was like I have the ability to workout, I just don't feel up to it, but my show "One Tree Hill" came on and I thought "I'm just going to work out during the commercials" and I ended up doing that plus completing my 30 min. of cardio once the show as over while listening to music through my digital cable (always motivates me) - music is my passion :)
Then, I thought about the relationship I'm in right now and how far we have come. It's probably very confusing to some of you reading, but I dated this guy 3 years ago, and we've overcome a lot over the years, going through lots of drama and now everything seems to be right> yeah, we have days we don't talk as much and we mostly see eachother on weekends and I won' tbe able to for the next couple of weekends due to family stuff going on, yet things seem really good. If something gets at us or bothers us we don't just shut each other out or get angry wtih eachother, although we may get angry, we talk things outand communicate more so than we ever did before.
I found the perfect way to describe it tonight - We complement each other. Everything he has to offer me, I don't necessarily have or am equipped with and same for him. What he doesn't have, I offer for him. How awesome a feeling is that.
*Boy do I disagree with how I saw things now regarding this posting* - the person I'm with now, we complement each other so far more than that guy EVER did. I feel like I was seriously brainwashed reading back to my old posts about how much I felt for him. Wow do things change. It's only been a year but it feels like a lifetime since I've been back in that trap of a life.
I just wanted to give everyone an update because I hadn't posted a blog of any sorts in a number of days, when I normally would have by now.
I paid a visit to the ER Fri morn and Sat morn, so that's been fun for me.
In September 08 I came down with a kidney infection, because 2 kidney stones I had were blocking the infection in my kidneys. They then had to perform a surgery to remove the stones, or put in a stint to direct them so I could pass them. You wouldn't believe the morphine they had me on! I passed them and didn't know it! I spent almost a week in the hospital, and, that was enjoyable ha.
Anyways I started feeling similar pains wed/thurs but didn't think anything of it because I was working out intensely the day before. I thought it was my own fault for pushing myself too hard on the treadmill, which I hadn't done in awhile, plus having the wrong kind of shoes to be running that much and that hard with on there.
So...........I'm fine Thursday at work but that night I got really bad. I may have even had a fever. I end up going to the ER Fri morn, and I have a UTI, but the infection hadn't reached my kidneys which is really good, I was incredibly relieved. I didn't wanna relive all that mess. And they give me some meds. . . . Then I notice I'm not getting any better, plus having a fever coming on and off and experiencing bad side effects to one of the meds. like a severe migraine and nausea. I didn't think that was normal so I wantedto check up on it. They wanted me to come and get checked again just because. I go back into the ER Sat. morning, and turns out, overnight, my infection had reached a worse level. Imagine that. Lucky me. I was there for 6 hours if not longer, and they had to put an IV in me, gave me all sorts of meds, trying all sorts of things, so I wouldn't have to be admitted, not that I was an inconvenience, but they always know noone wants to stay there, they want to be home, ya know? Anyways, they gave me great meds that have really made me feel tons better but this headache still sticks around, but the back pain is gone, and all other pain is gone.
I will have phases where I'm burnining up, freezing, nauseated, and my appetite isn't completely back but I'm getting there. . . So there's my update. Feel free to leave comments :)
I'll be back to writing my *normal* *random* blogs whenever I get back to a normal schedule and overcome this medical stuff.
If you would, take a listen to this song. (by Usher) It's been the main topic on my mind for the past week, which is probably why I haven't written. When something's bothering me, sometimes I can write about it, but other times I can't, and this is one of those situations.
It really disturbs me when someone can't get over their ex, yet they're in a new relationship and have been in a new relationship for quite some time. I felt I was clear from my ex getting to me whatsoever. But he swoops in whenever he pleases becuase, in my mind, he had constant control of my feelings, emotions, mood, etc. for so long. And left a huge scar on my heart. Even a year into my new relationship, bad memories seep in and I remember how it felt to be involved with him, time and time again. I'm not sure why I kept him around or felt the need for him in my life, and he's gone now. Because I was so used to just having him in my life, regardless of how he treated me or what fights we had, and constantly being able to talk to him or ask him about something, now I feel I'm missing that, which sucks because of how bad I was treated over the years with him. it's like this void and Mike (my boyfriend) fills that, but it's all about my life changing and adjusting to it. I thought I missed his presence, and although I know I don't, I don't wish him any happiness for what pain he caused me (and other women that I have actually talked to, and he even told me about that he'd hurt) - it turns out he has treated a lot of women he's dated the same, and unless some miracle comes to him, he'll continue to. I just wish I could keep that from happening, but it doesn't look like that will ever happen.
I've been wondering lately how much I've been letting it affect my current relationship. Trust mainly. As much as I know my boyfriend loves me and would never go behind my back and cheat, I question his emotional relationships with people outside of him and me. I wonder how much he connects with his ex's that he remains in touch with vs. me. And everything they shared that I'm not sharing with him, some things I could never share with him. Selfishly enough, it makes me jealous. Keeping in touch with ex's isn't a strong point in my book, and sometimes you aren't able to do it. In my case, it's caused a lot of drama, where in other cases, like with mike, it hasn't, but, its confused people, especially the new people he is dating, dealing with him hanging out and keeping up with ex's but he never likes pushing people out of his life. To him, every one is a friend, and if you break up, remain friends because to date, you had to have a good connection and friendship to make it last as long as it did. I agree to that, to an extent. Depending on how things go between the two of you.
I feel bad letting my past relationships affect my current one, which happens to be the most stable one I've been in, ever. And, he's given me no reason to doubt him. I just doubt the people he's around sometimes and who he hangs out with. And, the influence they might have on him. I know he's grown and he can make his own decisions, his own choices, but sometimes I worry he'll steer down a wrong path, as little as it may be. And it could ruin us. I have many different fears of staying in something that's so wrong for you, yet when you're wrapped up in it, it feels perfect. I don't want to make a wrong turn in my life, and I did before with an ex, and it's left me this way and I don't know how to fix it all.
As some of you know from previous blogs, I have responded to another blog through mine instead of leaving a long ass comment on their page. I've done the same thing for this one, but I figured out how to post a link in my blog in order to give this wonderful lady credit (see below) - Click on it - her blogs come out every day, and they're interesting as hell. Some have even made me laugh out loud (oh yes.) I look forward to reading them everyday. Thanks Stephanie for your blogs and keeping me entertained and awaiting more! I love your writing and bluntness (is that a word?)
I'm going to start from a general standpoint and work my way inward.
I have loved a few times. Regardless of whether they are in my life anymore or not, I have loved them, and I don't regret being with any of them, or loving any of them. I know they loved/love me back and feel the same way. Of course, there were times with each of them, we felt like we regretted, but sincerely, we don't. I don't like certain choices I made with some of them, but it's in the past and I have to leave it there instead of wondering "What If" all the time, which I do from time to time. It's a bad habit. What can I say?
Currently I'm in the most stable relationship I think I've ever been in. We've been together a year and going on strong, and, it feels amazing to look at everything and see how far I've come. And how far he has come in the past year. So many things, good and bad, have happened to bring us to this moment, and it thrills us for what's going to come next.
And honestly, if he were to leave me tomorrow, I couldn't say anything bad about him. I've thought long, hard, and strong, but he's done nothing wrong to me, and he's never treated me badly either. He's always stood beside me, been my equal, and been my best friend. We've discussed possible scenarios if we were to end tomorrow; if one of us were to wake up one day and decide "I wanna be alone" and be single. We've even discussed taking 'breaks' from the relationship, but not being broken up. We discuss every option to different situations, just to make the other person aware of how we feel about it, if it ever does come up.
Believe it or not, the guys I have grown to love, have not been in and out of my life within a week, but we grew with each other in a number of ways. Each relationship has been unique to me and them, and it's taught us something about ourselves and other people, as most relationships tend to do. I have great memories of each love and I try to ignore the bad things that happened, even if that was the reason it ended, or didn't work out.
I know when you're wrapped up in a relationship, sometimes it changes you as a person. I try to avoid that happening, but sometimes you can't help but let it change you. Each relationship is going to affect you; sometimes that's good, sometimes that's bad. A lot of the times I've been wrapped up in one, and once I get out of it, I go back to my old ways. Other times, I have stayed the same because the relationship wasn't necessarily bad, but it showed me a lot of things I was either doing wrong with my life or needed to change. A lot of people have gotten on me about certain people changing me for the better and for the worse, and only I can know who did what for me. I'd like to think someone didn't steer me wrong in making me the person I am today, but scars are left by bad relationships and sometimes it takes awhile to fix those, but hopefully something positive comes out of what's left.
The first time i was in love was back in 2005, with a guy that was 4 years older than me, and, I was inexperienced with a lot of things, especially when it came to love. Back then, I was critical of any guy who tried hanging out, dating, or even talking to me. Some were obviously innocent, but others, I was very skeptical about, being in college and all. I wasn't easy at all to win over. I was known as very picky when it came to guys.
At the time, I felt we connected with a lot, yet looking back, we were attracted to each other's opposite personalities, but I am trying to remember with what all we felt we connected with. We carried on good conversations, but in the end, I wasn't ready for something serious. I was in college and learning who I was, and even though I badly wanted to be with him, he knew I needed time on my own to explore and figure out what I really wanted from a guy, and needed from a guy, to be involved seriously with him.
We stayed in touch talking a lot from time to time, keeping up with what was going on with each other's lives, and we were in and out of each other's lives time and time again. No matter if we had a huge argument, one of us would contact the other and rekindle something and we would start talking, maybe even hanging out again. We just found some way to stay in each other's lives all these years. It was toxic. Not a good thing.
No matter how badly he would talk to me, I brushed it off like it was my fault for angering him in such a way. I blamed myself for a lot of the arguments we'd have or just taking things the wrong way when he would say them, although I knew I was right. For some reason, I couldn't let go of him. Something always lead me back to him. I always felt like I needed him around, and looking back, I don't know how I could need someone so much. He had been in my life and a part of my life for so long I guess I felt I didn't want anything to change, regardless of how it was making me feel.
A big trigger point for me was my birthday last year, when I turned 23. He not once acknowledged it, even though he knew about it, he never said any happy birthday to me, not once. It bothered the heck out of me, and, he left a week later for Thailand for 3 weeks, during the time I met Mike, my current boyfriend. This wasn't the only point that hit me hard but the other I won't go into detail.
I met Mike when this guy was out of the country, and it was perfect timing. It was the most carefree and the least worrysome I had ever felt. I felt completely stress-free, worry-free, and relieved I met someone so amazing. Never had I felt so appreciated, cared for & understood. Of course, the first night we both felt a huge connection, and it lead us to where we are today. I think God was sincerely looking out for me, even though I knew that was it for me with this other guy, which is why I agreed to meeting guys and giving myself that luxury while the guy was out of the country. For months, I had known about this trip, and I knew that when he left, that'd be it. The serious part of me with that guy would be done and over with. And, he'd be in for a surprise when he came back and I wasn't answering to his every text/call/need/want.
When he got back in the country, I saw him one last time because I really had to test my feelings for him vs Mike. And sure enough, I was right. I needed to prove to myself how I was feeling one last time. And I felt so secure. I was even talking to Mike while visiting him. I didn't care. For once, I didn't care what he felt but only was concered with my feelings, which is of course what I should have been doing all along.
During my relationship with Mike, as usual, me and this guy kept in touch. Not romantically, and I never felt anything romantic towards him anymore, but we kept in touch because we had been friends and had created that bond that I didn't share with anyone else, or so I thought. Despite all the mean things he had done to me over the number of years, I felt this attachment to him that I couldn't let go of. I'm not sure why either. I still don't make sense of it to this day. I guess first loves are that intense and have that much control over you. He caused drama in my relationship with Mike and I didn't want him to but I let it. I was honest with Mike about everything and, that's good but it also hurt us knowing this guy was trying to interfere with our lives. Now, he's completely gone. And has no way of getting to me. I laugh thinking of how pathetic he's stooped down to trying to manipulate in my life because he has no control over me anymore, and of course, he's moved onto another girl, who I feel sorry for. Someone who he kept going to when I'd turn away, or when we wouldn't be talking. If something happens to him and he changes for the better, and she does that to him, great, but I'm not counting on it. I highly doubt it. I just hope she sees things like I do now. Crystal clear.
Another time I was in love was with an intelligent, creative guy who I met back in late 2006. We only dated for maybe 8 months, but even looking back my heart flutters because he was my best friend who I fell in love with back then. We were friends first. I never expected to fall in love with him, nor did I expect the kind of lessons that I got from that relationship. I hate that he's not in my life anymore because I'd love for him to see the person I've become. This was the 2nd best relationship to the one I'm in now. Even though there were miscommunications with ending things, and the aftermath of keeping in touch with each other, I can't say anything bad about him or how he treated me. We were both at confusing points in our lives and eventually found our way, but I can't say I'd be the same if I had never met him. He touched my life in an astounding way and I sincerely do miss him. At one point, near the end of our relationship, he talked about going away one weekend. To the beach. The next week he vanished. 8 months down the road, I was coming in from a date with a guy, and noticed a familiar number had called me. I check my voicemail, and it's him. We met up later that night, because I just couldn't wait any longer to figure out why he had called and wanted to talk after all this time, especially after leaving me the way he did.
I found out a lot about why he disappeared on me, got scared, ran, etc. and a lot has to do with him being confused and feeling at a crossroads in his life. He always would talk about wanting and the need to get married. I found out he was planning on proposing to me and sharing how much he loved and cared for me on that supposed beach trip we were going to take one weekend.
He was involved with the Air Force, and he was off to camps here and there, bringing me back souveniers from places, and, I appreciated that and supported him in all his endeavours. yet, once, while talking on the phone he talked about being based/stationed in Alaska. He put the idea out to me about moving with him there. And then I didn't realize he was being serious, but treated it as a joke. When he responded with a serious tone like "I'm not kidding" I sincerely said I'd love to but I have to finish school here. I'm not dropping my entire life here to go with you to Alaska, as much as I cared for him and wanted to be with him. And in all this time, my parents never knew of him. To this day, they still don't.
I may have felt like I was close to being in love another time, but I'm not quite sure. It wasn't a deep relationship but I felt like if it lasted longer, giving me more time, it could have lead to that. I know he feels he loved me, but he never told me the words back then. After dating, we grew even closer, and I was thankful for that, but, it never became anything more. As time went on, we both dated other people, and, went our separate ways with life, but always kept in touch. He never treated me bad. We just didn't work out. The timing was wrong for him, and that was understandable. I held nothing against him. He became one of my closest friends. Regardless of it going anywhere, I would like to still have him in my life. I would like us to still be friends, but because he pledged his heart to me a few months ago, wanting more with me, I wasn't quite sure I could handle it. There was a lot of pressures from that group I hung with that included him, and it was very overwhelming. I couldn't handle it so I've had to take a break from talking with and hanging out around him. For me and for his well-being. I'm not going to throw something in someone's face when they're hurting. I've been there before. And as much as I want to just keep that group of friends separate from my relationship and act like the other doesn't exist with the other one, I can't do that. it's my life. And whoever's in my life will know about things going on in my life. I can't shut any of them out. That's what makes it hard. Shutting out and having to break from friends who you thought were 'true' but them not supporting you when you're the happiest you've been in a good long while. It's hard to decide to turn away or what to do from that point on, especially when your friends have been like a second family for you.
Right now, I feel like I'm at a crossroads in my life, in general. I'm only fixated on how to live my life, for myself, in the here and now. Not years to come. Not based on what someone else wants for me. Just what I want. It's difficult to do when you have someone so significant in your life, like Mike is for me. Yet, I've thought out every decision I've made since being with him, and some have been impulsive choices, others not so much. I weigh out the pros and cons to each and every situation. It's a habit of mine. I do that to play everything safe. I may want to live spontaneously one day, but sometimes you can't live the way you want all the time. The real world sucks.
I'm not sure where I'll be career wise even a year from now. I have so many interests and not sure what to do with any of that. I have so many ideas for what I could do with each route, but some are just not logically possible for me right now. For example moving to CA, giving up my job, home, life here, and just taking a risk at finding a job out there in an industry that's huge out there, where everyone is wanting to succeed but rare find what they're looking for out there.
Overall, I'm not even planning getting married anytime soon. yes, of course, I love the guy I'm with and I see a future with us for the long haul, but, right now I don't want to get married. neither of us are ready & not needing a wedding at this point. We take everything day to day and as long as we're enjoying it, we'll be together. I'm happy and I'm not taking anything for granted. I'm going to stay in this relationship for as long as it makes me happy. If I'm not happy tomorrow I'm going to end it. Of course, it will have to be a well thought out process. I can't just make an instant decision like that overnight. Things will have to lead up to it. I'm lucky to have found someone so rare for me, and I'm not going to take any chance at losing that.
I wasn't sure how long this blog would be, and it turned out longer than I planned, but I welcome your thoughts, criticisms, suggestions, ideas, etc.