Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Letter to my Past

I recently got an email from an ex. Someone I had put out of my life; someone I no longer kept in touch with, for good reasons. Far too many reasons to list here right now. If you've been reading my blogs, he is known as the toxic one. It was a simple one line saying "Why are you trying to add me on facebook again?" To me, this is out of character for him. That's why I'm so curious about it.

The only time I tried adding him was back when we were dating/hanging out over a year ago, and, he hardly got on then, so I'm not shocked if he's just logging on there now and seeing my friend request. Good ole facebook bringing people back together, right? ha! If he didn't want to 'accept' me on there, just ignore it, why email me about it? Instinct told me he either wanted to write me and that was a lame excuse to get in touch with me again, or that he wanted to stir some more things up with me, like he has done so so many times in the past. Of course, instinctively again, I responded saying: I haven't tried to. That's it.

I thought about writing a hypothetical letter to him, not sending it of course, but just for my own venting, what I might and would say to him. And who knows, if I had the guts, to actually send it to him. This email just is not his style, and so that really makes me wonder. . . .

He hasn't written me in response to MY response and this occurred about a week ago, but then again, he doesn't check his email every day that I know of, so who knows if he's even gotten to it yet, you know?

I'm going to write a hypothetical letter to him on here, the toxic one, and this may be for my own doing, but I welcome comments & feedback, however you want to put them.

Dear Eric -

I was hesitant on writing you again, but your email threw me off. It seemed out of character for you to let alone write me, but to write me about that particular topic as well. Knowing you from before, you would have just ignored it, and gone on with your life, but you chose to stop and contact me about it. Why?

Last time I heard anything from you, it wasn't exactly positive, and you made the point you had it out for me, like I should be scared of you or something. Like I had ruined your life, and you were threatening everything I had worked hard to accomplish up until that point. You seem to over dramatize a lot of things like that, when you brought them on yourself.

You have constantly talked down to me, in all the times I've known you, minus the first few months we dated. You built me up to believe you were someone so incredible, and although I consistently see the good hearted man I fell for years ago, I also see a monster. A wolf in sheep's clothing, as you would describe it. Someone who does not realize how many wonderful people he could have in his life, if he didn't turn them away in the ways he did. And if he didn't dramatize everything to be the end of the world, and the worst thing ever, when they are just normal fights, normal drama that happens in life. It's life. Get over It. Move On.

Everyone in my life - family, friends, new and old significant others, know of my situation(s) with you. Coming in and out of my life, being my first love, someone I cared for so very much. They all can't make sense of why I kept going back to you, kept sinking down to your level. I look back and I don't know why I did that to myself either. I can't explain my actions or behaviors over the past 4 years. Maybe that's why when I told my parents about you, and 3 months later, I told them completely different circumstances, they are hesitant to believe me about the best relationship ever, the one that came right after you and I stopped hanging out.

You have damaged me far more than you could ever believe. Only a few people will believe me when I say that. A few people I share this with, and you know who they are. Every woman you have ever been involved with, no matter how serious it ever was between you and them, between us. It's all the same. As much as I wonder how you are, because of the problems I know you've had, I care far too much for a person like you, that has hurt me and abused me the way you have over the number of years you have. I am lucky to have gotten away, but I just feel sorry for those still around you, who have yet to experience all the hatred and heartache that you bring onto them. It's a circle. You repeat the same situation in every relationship you get yourself involved in. you've even told me that. I'm not putting words in your mouth either. I know women who have really touched your life and shaped you, but you don't change for them. You don't change for anyone, under any circumstance. And you're almost 30.

I do wish one day you meet a woman that knocks you off your feet, that throws you for a loop, that makes you smile, laugh, unlike any other woman has. A best friend in your eyes. Someone you can't talk down to, someone you can't deceive, someone you can't lie to, someone you couldn't stand being away from. And I hope you find that someday. I'm sorry that I'm not that for you, but I could've been, if you had allowed me to, years ago. I tried, and I moved on to someone and something better for me.

The guy I'm with now, Mike, is paying for all of your mistakes. Far more than he should. I've gotten better about putting faith and trust in him, and not being so analytical or paranoid, but it's hard when it's something you grew accustomed to doing with someone like you, over such a long period of time. It spilled over into so many of my other relationships. It was like poison. You are like poison.

It makes no sense to me, that you are still in my life, and I still worry about you, but maybe it's because you reached out to me in a sense, telling me you knew what was wrong wtih you, past and present, and wanted it to stop, but it never did. And it continued, driving me away, yet again. I think that's why I still wonder how you are. I just hope you're doing okay, and hope you get help for all the issues you have with yourself, women, and relationships.