Thursday, July 30, 2009

Revelations

Have you ever had a moment when a good friend tells you how badly you hurt her a few years ago, regarding her now husband and her's relationship back when they were dating in the beginning with words you said, and you have no recollection of ever saying those words?

Have you ever had a moment when your current boyfriend does some type of mannerism or looks a certain way and it reminds you of somebody, but you can't figure out who, only to realize when you finally come around to remembering who he reminds you of, it's an ex-boyfriend, who you once thought you could marry, the 2nd love of your life to this day?

These moments have happened to me, 1 yesterday, and the other in the past year, which has definitely brought on mixed feelings all over. Sometimes I have no idea what these mean, and how badly I feel about the person I used to be vs. the person I have become over time.
I apologized to my friend who I hurt and, I remember feeling hurt and angry over these past 2-3 years, but I always just thought it was her that did the hurting; I never remembered my side, hurting her, in the way I did, with the words I used. I just always felt like she didn't care enough, or I wasn't good enough to keep around in her life. What causes memory losses like these? It honestly truly scares me. How could I forget such hateful things I did? And, how could I forget and put out of my memory someone I loved and cared for so much, so much as to possibly marry someday? I want to look into it. Is it because something traumatic happened over those period of years, or how badly I treated myself during that time? Does anyone know?