Thursday, April 10, 2008

Timing

Timing is everything, especially when it comes to me.

This weekend definitely changed my perspective on a lot going on in my life. There was my cousin's bridal shower in Cowpens, SC (in the middle of nowhere) but it was a meeting place so everyone could meet up and travel the same amount of distance. We spent most of the day there visiting with my dad's side of the family, atleast some of the women from it, whom I never get to see. It had seriously been around 6 years since I'd seen my cousin (who was getting married!) I'm glad we made it though; it definitely was something we all needed. We had lots of laughs, and it was a good break from the serious lifestyle we'd all been having.

As me and my cousins started getting into deeper conversation, catching up on our lives, we dwelved into our personal/family lives. Our dads are all brothers, so we definitely have stories to share about what goes on at home, etc. Our relationships and views of our fathers have definitely affected other relationships in our lives, especially when it comes to the dating world.We've realized that the moment we see a temper in the guy we're dating or just hanging out with to begin with, that strikes us as an issue to be worried about. My cousins seemed more concerned with the temper than me though. I guess you have to know my situation in order to know what issues I'm referring to. Most of my friends are quite familiar with my family issues because it makes up a big part of who I am. Those of you that do not, well, to sum it up, my father is an alcoholic. Growing up was quite interesting in our household, and it has definitely altered my views on certain situations/relationships in my life.

This weekend changed my again though, and to be honest, it's been quite scary, and emotional, something I never imagined. Those conversations I had with my family & my cousins, those people that had and always would be there for me, changed my viewpoint on my relationship with someone I'm seeing/hanging out with now, and, all my friendships in my life, or that used to be in my life. Lately I've been distancing myself from several different friendships, trying to figure out who's really important and who really wants me in their life, and who deserves to be in my life. There's friends that I know are always going to be there for me, but then there's those that I've done wrong to, and who have done wrong to me in the past, that really shouldn't be in my life. Everything happens for a reason, and that is something I've always buckled down to thinking about. I've done stupid stuff in my past to get me to where I am today, and so have my friends. Everyone makes mistakes, and not all those will be forgiven. I've been very grateful that I have been forgiven for several/many of my mistakes; part of why I'm secure with who I am today. I've accomplished a great many of things, and I'm proud to be where I am today in my life, of course this is just the start of a life of my own, independent, and not depending entirely on my parents.

There's just been a lot on my mind lately and I'm not sure what to think of anything, whether it's the fact that everything that my family mentioned and talked about this weekend changed how I saw things going with me at this period in my life, or whether it's just a coincidence that other things are happening at this point in time to make me feel distant from my friends & others right now. It's just a lot to think about too.

I'm also looking ahead, with my job/career, living arrangements, and location wise as well. I mentioned it to my Mom earlier that I love Charlotte so much, and I've lived here since I was 5, and gone to school and college here (I finished last May), and then I got a job 3 months later working for UNCC, where I WENT to college! It's like so much has changed, but then again, so much hasn't. I was used to this kind of working environment, so I looked hard for a job here at the University. I lived home for a few months, but realized I needed to be out on my own, so as soon as I had scrounged up enough money, I started looking for an apartment and I moved out over Christmas Break, which was the perfect time to, allowing me enough time with the family and not feeling so stressed out about the move over a weekend. Things moved fast, and I didnt save up tons of $$ but I had a little cushion to live off of, and start my life with.

Moving out has definitely helped me in lots of ways rediscover myself, allow me to create my own schedule, and allow me the freedom to live my life and do whatever I wanted with my place and my life in general. It's definitely paid off for the most part. If I were to move home after my lease is up, thats an option I love having, yet I know I might feel stranded to find something new and that might rush me again. I think after living on my own for awhile I've realized paying rent really does go nowhere, and I'd love to invest in a condo/townhouse/house, BUT I don't have the money for that yet, and I definitely won't come 2009, at least the start of it. I have lots of thoughts & ideas going through my head; I just wonder what will ACTUALLY happen.