Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Passionately Writing

Since I began writing these blogs, I have been torn between why I took such a long break from writing.....why I only write when things are on my mind, and why at times do I blog every day, sometimes more than once a day, and then don't blog for another week?

My boyfriend, Mike, who I have mentioned in previous blogs, has begun a novel of his own. This is not a shock to me. His writing is amazing and I wish I could write like he does, as easy as it comes to him. I have to really plan out what I'm going to write about. Sometimes it flows well, when other times it doesn't. I'm sure everyone has experienced writer's block.

I may know a topic I want to write about, but starting it is always a challenege. I want people to be wrapped up in what I'm sharing, and not falling asleep to it.
These blogs have been helpful in learning how I write, what I'm writing about, and what people like hearing about. I know I'd love to be able to write a novel dealing with my perspective on life, my experiences, but something has to be really attention-grabbing to get anything close to being published these days, right? Or will they just publish anything? haha I don't know how the book world is out there, but I'm guessing some of you may know? I'm not looking to get published. My blogs are for my sharing, my own journal-like thing that is public and I get feedback from. Believe it or not, I get a lot of positive feedback so as to let me know I'm not alone in this world as to how I feel towards certain situations and it makes me feel more at ease and less CRAZY (which is always helpful right?)

I brought back out all my story ideas, all my notes in how I used to write even back in elementary/middle school. Every trip I'd go on with my family I'd take pads of paper, write down unique places I'd see, to use them in future writings, as well as unique names I'd hear and learn about. It was just a hobby of mine. Looking back now I remember picturing my stories as if they were movies, or would-be movies. I'd use characters from some of my favorite movies, and give them different storylines, maybe incorporating what the movies were about that I saw them in, as the characters they were. I skipped the whole screenwriting stage in my head haha. I looked at life more easier back then. I think back to how much I dreamed of being a writer, then how my dreams turned to wanting to be a teacher, then now where I dream of working with music. If anyone watches the show ONE TREE HILL, the way I feel about music is through Peyton's character. That's ME. That's who and how I am. Music is an incredible part of who I am, and helps me through a lot. It's a way I know how to express my feelings, and it just makes everything okay sometimes.

That's an incredible connection Mike and I share, both loving to write and being able to share that passion of music. Every other guy I dated I used to share my passion of music with them, and they never got it. Mike gets it, and me, and that's an incredible feeling I've never had before. I'm so lucky to have him in my life. He motivates me every day with every thing that comes to my mind. He follows me every step of the way with any thought or idea I have and that's something I've always needed and yearned for.

The point of this blog is to share with everyone that I'm considering putting together a book of my own. Not sure what kind of book, maybe a novel, maybe of personal memoirs, maybe a little of both, but I need guidance, and advice/suggestions from those out there. I'm not sure. I just began seriously considering this. All I know is I love hearing back from everyone out there in regards to what I post about what's going on in my life. It's very uplifting and I like knowing I'm not alone in how I've felt in the past. I'm sure others, if they knew I was here, would appreciate my sincerity in sharing all of these emotions I've felt, and there's lots more than what I've just posted on here.

I keep a list of different topics that come to mind - topics that I could write so much about, not just a sentence or two. Sometimes I write down topics I'd like to research about, and write about to share with all of you. Writing is become much more of an anti-drug to me, much like music has become. I've missed it. And I don't want to stop.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009

The Road That Lies Ahead....

There are many times when I look at my life compared to others, and realize I'm incredibly lucky, but at the same time,I feel like my life is missing something. In the past, i've written about not being happy at my job, wanting something more, possible graduate school opportunities, but right now I have one thing in mind, and that is, that a risk is to be taken; but when do I take it, where do I take it, and how do I take it?

Everyone is always telling me that if I don't take a risk, I won't ever know what the outcome will be. I tend to always assume the worst about situations, expecting things to not work out before even trying anything of them. I like to always be prepared for the worst, just in case it happens to me.

Right now, I have one place in mind I am considering to move. A lot of people support me in my idea to move there. And I would hope many more would too. It's a huge risk to move this far away, and, although I know jobs are available, regardless of what everyone says, it's just a matter of finding them, and that would be an extreme challenge for me living far away from this place. I don't have much earned time off either that I could take, but at the same time, I'm also not planning on this happening but maybe within the next year sometime. I like preparing and thinking ahead from what's to come, so if I stress about it now, I'll get all the negative thinking out of my head, so when it comes time to make a serious decision, I'll be thrown in the right direction for me.

This might give it away, but I visited Wilmington this past weekend for a night. My little brother goes to UNCW there, and I got to meet up with him while visiting. He gave me a lot of comfort in thoughts I'd been having and future moves I had in mind, and he supported me and told me what I'd have to do. Although he is my little brother, he acts like a big brother at times, especially these when I need that support and people guiding me in the right direction. I'm at a standstill right now, and it feels like something exciting is bound to happen, but at the same time, I feel like I have to make a big move in some regard to get it to happen.

It's a beautiful place, and hey, my favorite show is filmed there ("One Tree Hill")!

My problem is I'm in Charlotte, NC with opportunities around me for all kinds of different jobs, but I want to work in the entertainment industry. I used to focus just on music, and that's definitely still my ultimate passion and dream to work with music, yet I am interested in everything entertainment. I'm willing to work from the bottom up and using my administrative experience, I could start doing that from the bottom up. It's just finding a company like that that needs someone like me, or wants someone like me. I've researched different production companies and tried contacting some, but have a few in mind that could really be a huge impact on my life and career, and, I've yet to hear anything back.

I know I'm not the only one in the world with passions like this, but I just wish someone would give me a break, and I'd get lucky and manage to meet someone to give me that big break vs. having to settle for something less than what I love and what I'd love to contribute to in life. I want to get lucky.

Is that too much to ask?

I know that if the UNC sytems weren't on a hiring freeze I could easily transfer in the UNC system usually, but at the same time, I'm not getting my hopes up. I don't know what kind of jobs will be available, if any, once I decide to, if I decide to move out there. I know I'm growing up and taking this plunge would be a huge challenge and change, from my comfort zone, but I know I have the strength to do it, if it will help me in the long run overall.
Friday, June 19, 2009

Older Blogs

When I go back through my old postings, I feel like I'm reading those of another live. It's so weird going back to the moment I wrote those, and all of the feelings rush back and I can even picture what was going on in my head, on that day, and how I felt to the T. I felt I'd share some with you, whether they're just quotes, personal feelings, or something else. Read on. A lot of you know I had a bad past with a certain someone, and well now that he's out everything seems so much better, but he filled my head with a lot of dark thoughts, and I'm glad those aren't around anymore. The clouds have lifted.

From: 3/28/08:

I'm a big quote fanatic. If I come across one, or more, that really hit home with me, I definitely love sharing them with everyone I know. Some are as follows:

It's not whether you get knocked down. It's whether you get up again.

You may not end up where you thought you were going, but you will always end up where you were meant to be.

Real love is a self-enlarging experience.

Embrace those who love you and whom you love, and rid yourself of those who will only bring you down.

The only people you need in your life are the ones who prove that they need or even want you in theirs....

We all have big changes in our lives that are more or less a second chance.

Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.

you have three choices in your life: give up . give in. or give it all you got

sometimes people come into your life & you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, to teach you a lesson, or to help you figure out who you are and who you want to be.

Things happen for a reason. We may not know it at the time but they can be the best things that happened.


Just look back on,
How far we've come.
We've made it somehow,
Look where we are now.
We learned to open our eyes,
Now I both think we'd agree,
That we're better off than when we started.
And the best is yet to come.
'cause our story isn't done.
All we've done, Our battles won.
~Hoobastank "Look Where We Are"

_______________________________________________________________________

From: 4/14/08 - A New perspective

Today is the start of a new work week, which I'm not too thrilled about. As each day/week passes, I become more bored and wanting to get out of Charlotte, which is not a good thing. I used to feel excited about coming to work because I enjoyed being around everybody here. Now there's only a few people I really *love* being around, and most of those people are leaving at the end of May/June. I've been here since August, but the next couple of months seem like they'll go by too fast when my boss will be leaving me here, and then another part of me feels it will go by way too slow.......since I'm kind of looking forward to finding a new job, or getting out of town for that matter.

I have a great comfortable, laid-back job, but I should be making more money, and after a stressful last week financially worried over money, I was relieved when I got my tax return over the weekend :) I'm in good shape now. I get paid tomorrow too, so it's like 2 pay checks at once, it's great :)

My sister's 26th birthday was this weekend; I can't believe it. She's as old as the guy I'm seeing....yet I see them in completely diff. lights. . . . . he seems so much more older than her, yet he's actually 4 months younger than her, imagine that. The relationships I have with them are so diff. and I've been through all kinds of experiences with my sister, so, yeah, they're different in my head.

This might be a blog of rambling, but I'm at work, and there's not much going on here.

It has been a great start to a new week, and I'm pleased....I'm stronger than I thought and expected to be, and, I just feel like from here on out, things will just be getting better & better :)

The only downside is Greensboro is not that *HOT* in the music business. I'm starting to come to the reality of my dream and realizing I've tried many different routes to getting my foot in the door to the business, and nothing seems to really be working out. I find myself just kind of looking for areas to make more money and dealing with one of my many interests, but I'm not sure what will work out for me in the end. If I do end up moving to Greensboro, which wouldn't be til the start of next year, I'd have a good little group of friends, and could easily make more, and living seems to be cheaper up there as well. It's a town similar to Charlotte and not that far from where I've grown up so I wouldn't be too far; I could come home and visit with friends & family here whenever. That's something that's attracted me to the spot. I've been visiting up there for some time now and gotten to see that it is a definite possibility for me. We'll see what happens.

My dreams of being in the music business...........if there's anyone that could help me, I'd love it but my hopes are fading........ ______________________________________________________________________________________From: 4/15/08
Complementary
As I was showering today, as I tend to do everyday haha, a lot of things were going through my mind about how I fought the discouragement I had been feeling earlier today, and fought the tiredness I was feeling after work today and got through it and decided to work out anyways today. I told myself if I skipped one day I'd be feeling like a failure and I thought that to myself and I was like I have the ability to workout, I just don't feel up to it, but my show "One Tree Hill" came on and I thought "I'm just going to work out during the commercials" and I ended up doing that plus completing my 30 min. of cardio once the show as over while listening to music through my digital cable (always motivates me) - music is my passion :)

Then, I thought about the relationship I'm in right now and how far we have come. It's probably very confusing to some of you reading, but I dated this guy 3 years ago, and we've overcome a lot over the years, going through lots of drama and now everything seems to be right> yeah, we have days we don't talk as much and we mostly see eachother on weekends and I won' tbe able to for the next couple of weekends due to family stuff going on, yet things seem really good. If something gets at us or bothers us we don't just shut each other out or get angry wtih eachother, although we may get angry, we talk things outand communicate more so than we ever did before.

I found the perfect way to describe it tonight - We complement each other. Everything he has to offer me, I don't necessarily have or am equipped with and same for him. What he doesn't have, I offer for him. How awesome a feeling is that.

*Boy do I disagree with how I saw things now regarding this posting* - the person I'm with now, we complement each other so far more than that guy EVER did. I feel like I was seriously brainwashed reading back to my old posts about how much I felt for him. Wow do things change. It's only been a year but it feels like a lifetime since I've been back in that trap of a life.
Monday, June 15, 2009

ER

I just wanted to give everyone an update because I hadn't posted a blog of any sorts in a number of days, when I normally would have by now.

I paid a visit to the ER Fri morn and Sat morn, so that's been fun for me.

In September 08 I came down with a kidney infection, because 2 kidney stones I had were blocking the infection in my kidneys. They then had to perform a surgery to remove the stones, or put in a stint to direct them so I could pass them. You wouldn't believe the morphine they had me on! I passed them and didn't know it! I spent almost a week in the hospital, and, that was enjoyable ha.

Anyways I started feeling similar pains wed/thurs but didn't think anything of it because I was working out intensely the day before. I thought it was my own fault for pushing myself too hard on the treadmill, which I hadn't done in awhile, plus having the wrong kind of shoes to be running that much and that hard with on there.

So...........I'm fine Thursday at work but that night I got really bad. I may have even had a fever. I end up going to the ER Fri morn, and I have a UTI, but the infection hadn't reached my kidneys which is really good, I was incredibly relieved. I didn't wanna relive all that mess. And they give me some meds. . . . Then I notice I'm not getting any better, plus having a fever coming on and off and experiencing bad side effects to one of the meds. like a severe migraine and nausea. I didn't think that was normal so I wantedto check up on it. They wanted me to come and get checked again just because. I go back into the ER Sat. morning, and turns out, overnight, my infection had reached a worse level. Imagine that. Lucky me. I was there for 6 hours if not longer, and they had to put an IV in me, gave me all sorts of meds, trying all sorts of things, so I wouldn't have to be admitted, not that I was an inconvenience, but they always know noone wants to stay there, they want to be home, ya know? Anyways, they gave me great meds that have really made me feel tons better but this headache still sticks around, but the back pain is gone, and all other pain is gone.

I will have phases where I'm burnining up, freezing, nauseated, and my appetite isn't completely back but I'm getting there. . . So there's my update. Feel free to leave comments :)

I'll be back to writing my *normal* *random* blogs whenever I get back to a normal schedule and overcome this medical stuff.
Thursday, June 11, 2009

His Mistakes

If you would, take a listen to this song. (by Usher) It's been the main topic on my mind for the past week, which is probably why I haven't written. When something's bothering me, sometimes I can write about it, but other times I can't, and this is one of those situations.

It really disturbs me when someone can't get over their ex, yet they're in a new relationship and have been in a new relationship for quite some time. I felt I was clear from my ex getting to me whatsoever. But he swoops in whenever he pleases becuase, in my mind, he had constant control of my feelings, emotions, mood, etc. for so long. And left a huge scar on my heart. Even a year into my new relationship, bad memories seep in and I remember how it felt to be involved with him, time and time again. I'm not sure why I kept him around or felt the need for him in my life, and he's gone now. Because I was so used to just having him in my life, regardless of how he treated me or what fights we had, and constantly being able to talk to him or ask him about something, now I feel I'm missing that, which sucks because of how bad I was treated over the years with him. it's like this void and Mike (my boyfriend) fills that, but it's all about my life changing and adjusting to it. I thought I missed his presence, and although I know I don't, I don't wish him any happiness for what pain he caused me (and other women that I have actually talked to, and he even told me about that he'd hurt) - it turns out he has treated a lot of women he's dated the same, and unless some miracle comes to him, he'll continue to. I just wish I could keep that from happening, but it doesn't look like that will ever happen.

I've been wondering lately how much I've been letting it affect my current relationship. Trust mainly. As much as I know my boyfriend loves me and would never go behind my back and cheat, I question his emotional relationships with people outside of him and me. I wonder how much he connects with his ex's that he remains in touch with vs. me. And everything they shared that I'm not sharing with him, some things I could never share with him. Selfishly enough, it makes me jealous. Keeping in touch with ex's isn't a strong point in my book, and sometimes you aren't able to do it. In my case, it's caused a lot of drama, where in other cases, like with mike, it hasn't, but, its confused people, especially the new people he is dating, dealing with him hanging out and keeping up with ex's but he never likes pushing people out of his life. To him, every one is a friend, and if you break up, remain friends because to date, you had to have a good connection and friendship to make it last as long as it did. I agree to that, to an extent. Depending on how things go between the two of you.

I feel bad letting my past relationships affect my current one, which happens to be the most stable one I've been in, ever. And, he's given me no reason to doubt him. I just doubt the people he's around sometimes and who he hangs out with. And, the influence they might have on him. I know he's grown and he can make his own decisions, his own choices, but sometimes I worry he'll steer down a wrong path, as little as it may be. And it could ruin us. I have many different fears of staying in something that's so wrong for you, yet when you're wrapped up in it, it feels perfect. I don't want to make a wrong turn in my life, and I did before with an ex, and it's left me this way and I don't know how to fix it all.
Monday, June 8, 2009

Past, Present & Future

As some of you know from previous blogs, I have responded to another blog through mine instead of leaving a long ass comment on their page. I've done the same thing for this one, but I figured out how to post a link in my blog in order to give this wonderful lady credit (see below) - Click on it - her blogs come out every day, and they're interesting as hell. Some have even made me laugh out loud (oh yes.) I look forward to reading them everyday. Thanks Stephanie for your blogs and keeping me entertained and awaiting more! I love your writing and bluntness (is that a word?)

I'm going to start from a general standpoint and work my way inward.

I have loved a few times. Regardless of whether they are in my life anymore or not, I have loved them, and I don't regret being with any of them, or loving any of them. I know they loved/love me back and feel the same way. Of course, there were times with each of them, we felt like we regretted, but sincerely, we don't. I don't like certain choices I made with some of them, but it's in the past and I have to leave it there instead of wondering "What If" all the time, which I do from time to time. It's a bad habit. What can I say?

Currently I'm in the most stable relationship I think I've ever been in. We've been together a year and going on strong, and, it feels amazing to look at everything and see how far I've come. And how far he has come in the past year. So many things, good and bad, have happened to bring us to this moment, and it thrills us for what's going to come next.

And honestly, if he were to leave me tomorrow, I couldn't say anything bad about him. I've thought long, hard, and strong, but he's done nothing wrong to me, and he's never treated me badly either. He's always stood beside me, been my equal, and been my best friend. We've discussed possible scenarios if we were to end tomorrow; if one of us were to wake up one day and decide "I wanna be alone" and be single. We've even discussed taking 'breaks' from the relationship, but not being broken up. We discuss every option to different situations, just to make the other person aware of how we feel about it, if it ever does come up.

Believe it or not, the guys I have grown to love, have not been in and out of my life within a week, but we grew with each other in a number of ways. Each relationship has been unique to me and them, and it's taught us something about ourselves and other people, as most relationships tend to do. I have great memories of each love and I try to ignore the bad things that happened, even if that was the reason it ended, or didn't work out.

I know when you're wrapped up in a relationship, sometimes it changes you as a person. I try to avoid that happening, but sometimes you can't help but let it change you. Each relationship is going to affect you; sometimes that's good, sometimes that's bad. A lot of the times I've been wrapped up in one, and once I get out of it, I go back to my old ways. Other times, I have stayed the same because the relationship wasn't necessarily bad, but it showed me a lot of things I was either doing wrong with my life or needed to change. A lot of people have gotten on me about certain people changing me for the better and for the worse, and only I can know who did what for me. I'd like to think someone didn't steer me wrong in making me the person I am today, but scars are left by bad relationships and sometimes it takes awhile to fix those, but hopefully something positive comes out of what's left.

The first time i was in love was back in 2005, with a guy that was 4 years older than me, and, I was inexperienced with a lot of things, especially when it came to love. Back then, I was critical of any guy who tried hanging out, dating, or even talking to me. Some were obviously innocent, but others, I was very skeptical about, being in college and all. I wasn't easy at all to win over. I was known as very picky when it came to guys.

At the time, I felt we connected with a lot, yet looking back, we were attracted to each other's opposite personalities, but I am trying to remember with what all we felt we connected with. We carried on good conversations, but in the end, I wasn't ready for something serious. I was in college and learning who I was, and even though I badly wanted to be with him, he knew I needed time on my own to explore and figure out what I really wanted from a guy, and needed from a guy, to be involved seriously with him.

We stayed in touch talking a lot from time to time, keeping up with what was going on with each other's lives, and we were in and out of each other's lives time and time again. No matter if we had a huge argument, one of us would contact the other and rekindle something and we would start talking, maybe even hanging out again. We just found some way to stay in each other's lives all these years. It was toxic. Not a good thing.

No matter how badly he would talk to me, I brushed it off like it was my fault for angering him in such a way. I blamed myself for a lot of the arguments we'd have or just taking things the wrong way when he would say them, although I knew I was right. For some reason, I couldn't let go of him. Something always lead me back to him. I always felt like I needed him around, and looking back, I don't know how I could need someone so much. He had been in my life and a part of my life for so long I guess I felt I didn't want anything to change, regardless of how it was making me feel.

A big trigger point for me was my birthday last year, when I turned 23. He not once acknowledged it, even though he knew about it, he never said any happy birthday to me, not once. It bothered the heck out of me, and, he left a week later for Thailand for 3 weeks, during the time I met Mike, my current boyfriend. This wasn't the only point that hit me hard but the other I won't go into detail.

I met Mike when this guy was out of the country, and it was perfect timing. It was the most carefree and the least worrysome I had ever felt. I felt completely stress-free, worry-free, and relieved I met someone so amazing. Never had I felt so appreciated, cared for & understood. Of course, the first night we both felt a huge connection, and it lead us to where we are today. I think God was sincerely looking out for me, even though I knew that was it for me with this other guy, which is why I agreed to meeting guys and giving myself that luxury while the guy was out of the country. For months, I had known about this trip, and I knew that when he left, that'd be it. The serious part of me with that guy would be done and over with. And, he'd be in for a surprise when he came back and I wasn't answering to his every text/call/need/want.

When he got back in the country, I saw him one last time because I really had to test my feelings for him vs Mike. And sure enough, I was right. I needed to prove to myself how I was feeling one last time. And I felt so secure. I was even talking to Mike while visiting him. I didn't care. For once, I didn't care what he felt but only was concered with my feelings, which is of course what I should have been doing all along.

During my relationship with Mike, as usual, me and this guy kept in touch. Not romantically, and I never felt anything romantic towards him anymore, but we kept in touch because we had been friends and had created that bond that I didn't share with anyone else, or so I thought. Despite all the mean things he had done to me over the number of years, I felt this attachment to him that I couldn't let go of. I'm not sure why either. I still don't make sense of it to this day. I guess first loves are that intense and have that much control over you. He caused drama in my relationship with Mike and I didn't want him to but I let it. I was honest with Mike about everything and, that's good but it also hurt us knowing this guy was trying to interfere with our lives. Now, he's completely gone. And has no way of getting to me. I laugh thinking of how pathetic he's stooped down to trying to manipulate in my life because he has no control over me anymore, and of course, he's moved onto another girl, who I feel sorry for. Someone who he kept going to when I'd turn away, or when we wouldn't be talking. If something happens to him and he changes for the better, and she does that to him, great, but I'm not counting on it. I highly doubt it. I just hope she sees things like I do now. Crystal clear.

Another time I was in love was with an intelligent, creative guy who I met back in late 2006. We only dated for maybe 8 months, but even looking back my heart flutters because he was my best friend who I fell in love with back then. We were friends first. I never expected to fall in love with him, nor did I expect the kind of lessons that I got from that relationship. I hate that he's not in my life anymore because I'd love for him to see the person I've become. This was the 2nd best relationship to the one I'm in now. Even though there were miscommunications with ending things, and the aftermath of keeping in touch with each other, I can't say anything bad about him or how he treated me. We were both at confusing points in our lives and eventually found our way, but I can't say I'd be the same if I had never met him. He touched my life in an astounding way and I sincerely do miss him. At one point, near the end of our relationship, he talked about going away one weekend. To the beach. The next week he vanished. 8 months down the road, I was coming in from a date with a guy, and noticed a familiar number had called me. I check my voicemail, and it's him. We met up later that night, because I just couldn't wait any longer to figure out why he had called and wanted to talk after all this time, especially after leaving me the way he did.

I found out a lot about why he disappeared on me, got scared, ran, etc. and a lot has to do with him being confused and feeling at a crossroads in his life. He always would talk about wanting and the need to get married. I found out he was planning on proposing to me and sharing how much he loved and cared for me on that supposed beach trip we were going to take one weekend.

He was involved with the Air Force, and he was off to camps here and there, bringing me back souveniers from places, and, I appreciated that and supported him in all his endeavours. yet, once, while talking on the phone he talked about being based/stationed in Alaska. He put the idea out to me about moving with him there. And then I didn't realize he was being serious, but treated it as a joke. When he responded with a serious tone like "I'm not kidding" I sincerely said I'd love to but I have to finish school here. I'm not dropping my entire life here to go with you to Alaska, as much as I cared for him and wanted to be with him. And in all this time, my parents never knew of him. To this day, they still don't.

I may have felt like I was close to being in love another time, but I'm not quite sure. It wasn't a deep relationship but I felt like if it lasted longer, giving me more time, it could have lead to that. I know he feels he loved me, but he never told me the words back then. After dating, we grew even closer, and I was thankful for that, but, it never became anything more. As time went on, we both dated other people, and, went our separate ways with life, but always kept in touch. He never treated me bad. We just didn't work out. The timing was wrong for him, and that was understandable. I held nothing against him. He became one of my closest friends. Regardless of it going anywhere, I would like to still have him in my life. I would like us to still be friends, but because he pledged his heart to me a few months ago, wanting more with me, I wasn't quite sure I could handle it. There was a lot of pressures from that group I hung with that included him, and it was very overwhelming. I couldn't handle it so I've had to take a break from talking with and hanging out around him. For me and for his well-being. I'm not going to throw something in someone's face when they're hurting. I've been there before. And as much as I want to just keep that group of friends separate from my relationship and act like the other doesn't exist with the other one, I can't do that. it's my life. And whoever's in my life will know about things going on in my life. I can't shut any of them out. That's what makes it hard. Shutting out and having to break from friends who you thought were 'true' but them not supporting you when you're the happiest you've been in a good long while. It's hard to decide to turn away or what to do from that point on, especially when your friends have been like a second family for you.

Right now, I feel like I'm at a crossroads in my life, in general. I'm only fixated on how to live my life, for myself, in the here and now. Not years to come. Not based on what someone else wants for me. Just what I want. It's difficult to do when you have someone so significant in your life, like Mike is for me. Yet, I've thought out every decision I've made since being with him, and some have been impulsive choices, others not so much. I weigh out the pros and cons to each and every situation. It's a habit of mine. I do that to play everything safe. I may want to live spontaneously one day, but sometimes you can't live the way you want all the time. The real world sucks.

I'm not sure where I'll be career wise even a year from now. I have so many interests and not sure what to do with any of that. I have so many ideas for what I could do with each route, but some are just not logically possible for me right now. For example moving to CA, giving up my job, home, life here, and just taking a risk at finding a job out there in an industry that's huge out there, where everyone is wanting to succeed but rare find what they're looking for out there.

Overall, I'm not even planning getting married anytime soon. yes, of course, I love the guy I'm with and I see a future with us for the long haul, but, right now I don't want to get married. neither of us are ready & not needing a wedding at this point. We take everything day to day and as long as we're enjoying it, we'll be together. I'm happy and I'm not taking anything for granted. I'm going to stay in this relationship for as long as it makes me happy. If I'm not happy tomorrow I'm going to end it. Of course, it will have to be a well thought out process. I can't just make an instant decision like that overnight. Things will have to lead up to it. I'm lucky to have found someone so rare for me, and I'm not going to take any chance at losing that.

I wasn't sure how long this blog would be, and it turned out longer than I planned, but I welcome your thoughts, criticisms, suggestions, ideas, etc.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Cosmetics

Most little girls play and pretend with make-up as a child, and want to wear it out and about before they should. I wasn't one of those girls. I think of myself as a tomboy growing up. I loved basketball, loved being outdoors, had the highest metabolism EVER. I had moments where I would dress up in my mom's old wedding gown, but they were rare, as much as I can remember, and that's not saying much considering my memory hasn't been so great lately. That sucks because I'm still young.

My point is that I never was so much into make-up and growing up to wear it and attract the boys and everything like I've noticed a lot of my friends and other girls were. I was a late bloomer I guess you'd say. I didn't touch makeup really in high school, and really didn't start investing my time in learning about it until college. I was all natural for the most part. And I didn't care. My high school years were a hard time I remember, and although I had many great moments, I wasn't the happiest. I know that much. I had many emotional rollercoasters throughout those years, and as much as I miss it, I wouldn't go back and relive those. I would go back and change them though if I had the chance. I'm completely diff. from who I was back then, and of course, that has to do with being out on my own, my college experience, and everyone I've come into contact with since then. Not the life I pictured, but it's been a good journey so far.

I just wonder what make-up tips, hints I don't know. I'm still learning since I got a late start. Am I alone in this, late to make-up and such? I feel out of place posting a blog like this but I'm honest on here, more so than maybe in real life sometimes. I don't care because I know a lot of my true feelings come out on here and I like that. I've always felt out of place and trying to figure out how to fit in and I'm surprised I got such a late start, but now I'm putting it out there.

A lot of girls are starting to look older at an even younger age and I can't believe that. The media has been changing girls into women overnight and it's really bothered me. I wouldn't want my child appearing older than she was. Let them enjoy their childhood. I mean, I know I'm only 24, but I miss my childhood and playful carefree days even now.

Now a days, I see very young girls with cell phones and purses and I wonder, "What's the use in them having either of those? What has the world come to?" I know even people must have been shocked with my having a cell phone my senior year of high school, but things have surely come a long way even in the past 6 years since then.

Ok, so maybe not as young as in the picture, but it was a point I was trying to make :)

Anyways, I can't believe how much this world has changed since I got out of high school, even college. Everything appears so different, and I'm not sure whether I like it or not :( Is the world going downhill? Is this just my vision, and it's somehow altered?
Thursday, June 4, 2009

The Road I'm On

This may not be a well thought-out, planned blog, but do you consider yourself a person that's adventurous, takes risks, is spontaneous?

An opportunity has come up. I turned it down but, I could've easily had free tickets to a concert of artists that I feel are 'okay' but I wouldn't pay money to see them, but anyways, they're in Atlanta, 3.5 hours away, to which I've never even been before. I almost said YES to this chance just because it was something diff. and it would allow me to drive away. But I turned it down.

This comes up a lot but my priorities in life, like my job, money, and everything like that get in the way. I'd like to have a part of my life that I saw as fun, but it's gradually diminishing away, and although I listen to music, I'll go to the occassional concert, and take the occassional planned out trip, I really don't know what's so fun about my life anymore. Everything has been so serious for so long, and I don't know how to change that, because once I even remotely think about it, all the stress comes about what I CAN'T POSSIBLY do without waiting forever and ever. . . . due to my responsibilities. And I'm still young, at 24. A lot of people say they'd take my job in a heartbeat, whereas I don't appreciate it as much as I should. And I do appreciate it. It's just how I feel here now vs how I used to feel here.

Any thoughts/suggestions/feedback?? I'd really like people's takes on this.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Too Many Chances

I know what you all are thinking - a 2nd blog on the same day?!? Yes. This is what you call downtime at work, and procrastination. There are some things to be done, but not right away, so I've got some relaxation time to write this stuff out.

The other day I made a huge list of topics of all of this blogs I wanted to write and I told myself I'd do one at a time, one per day, yet I'm breaking my own rules already. Imagine that. :) I'm such a rebel!!!

Anyways, where was I.............

This blog happens to be about giving out too many chances when it comes to friends, significant others, family, etc. For as long as I can remember, I feel like I've been easily walked on. I know growing up I felt like that with my father, then, it seeped over to friends in middle school. They might blow me off and I would never confront them, even if I caught them lying to me, or caught them talking bad about me. I simply ignored it and although it bothered the heck out of me, I went on with everything else. I held everything inside. Of course, that built up over time, hurting me even more. My friends were like my family back then; I've always considered friends to be like that for me. And I really needed them more than anything back then. Sadly, a lot of them didn't consider me as important I guess.

Over the years, I have learned that I can't trust people right away. It takes time and different 'tests' I guess to learn that they'll be there for me. I don't make a point to test people but seeing how they interact with me and respond, and give an effort to be a part of my life, I can tell whether they're trustworthy, and true friends. I have a good idea now how to tell who will be there for me in the end.

I truly believe in the picture I posted above. Every part of it. Some friends have not agreed with certain decisions I've made, or have not liked people I've dated, but they always support me in everything I've done. We may not see eachother or talk for awhile but when we reconnect or get in touch again, everything picks back up. I know certain people I haven't seen in a number of years but because we text, talk on the phone, or talk online through email or other messinging systems, we've remained up to par with what's going on in each other's lives. Just because we haven't physically gotten together means the friendship is over. I've never felt that way.Some people do, and that's just what you have to deal with sometimes.

I know it breaks my heart to see how some of my old friends moving on with their lives, and I'm not a part of it, whether if it's by mouth or seeing it online through myspace or facebook. I've made an effort to be a part of their lives too and I either don't get a response from them, or we had drama in the past that ended everything between us, and despite that, I feel we're two different people now, and we've grown up, and gone down diff. paths now, and things are not the same as they were then. I wish they'd write me or contact me and want our friendship back as much as I want it back, so I can have this heartbreak go away.

I just feel sometimes I make more effort than anyone else in my friendships/relationships, and sometimes I guess I've invested too many emotions in my friendships, or my close relationships because my family didn't grow up being the best of friends, we had problems like many of the other families I know, but, it is what it is. I've given it my best, and obviously, it hasn't been good enough for those old friends. I miss them, and I believe they know that. I know we both have made mistakes, and, those can't be changed. The past can't be changed, but the future can be.

I'm not incredibly religious but because these certain friendships mean that much to me, I've even prayed to God to bring them back in my life, in some way. Even if it's talking just through email. A step towards something better than just nothing. I don't know how to heal this feeling inside. My faith had a moment of surprise about a year ago while attending a memorial service, the minister & his words really touched me, and I had a moment where I felt I regained my faith. Of course, that was just one moment, but I felt like I have had more faith in God ever since that moment.

I know I've accepted it but I've always had this little hope inside that something will turn around. How do you just walk away from soneone you were best friends with, and that you have all these memories with? What becomes more important than having those that were close to you, continually there with you? Move on past what the old drama was and accept them back in. I've forgotten about a lot of the drama, which means it probably wasn't as important as we felt it was then. It definitely wasn't LIFE altering. Maybe we just needed some time apart to grow. I'm just not sure what I think about it all anymore.

I feel I've changed so much over the past couple of years of being out of college and it scares me. Sometimes I feel I don't know what road I'm on and where I'm going and I just have no clue whatsoever as to what I'm going to do with the rest of my life.

I have interests but I don't see myself as anything. I used to grow up seeing myself as a teacher, and that was the only plan I had in mind. Once I got to college all of that went away, and my passion for music grew. Now, still living in Charlotte, NC, I have no idea if I'll be in NC forever, in Charlotte forever, or if I'll go anywhere that will interest me, or just be doing administrative jobs forever.

I hope not.

Relaxing Relationships

In relationships, we tend to learn a lot about ourselves. When we get comfortable and relaxed in a relationship, we don't have to work so hard to keep the guy's attention. At least, that's how it's been in my case. We don't seem to have to keep impressing them as much as we did in the beginning when we were just getting to know them and initially dating them.

I've noticed in many of my friend's relationships, and my own, if your body weight fluctuates all the time, then you seem to gain more weight, and wear less make-up, and care less about dressing to impress the boyfriend. Of course, there are always surprising moments you want to have for him, and special moments for him, but at the same time, why put so much work and effort into putting on something that changes the person you really are inside? I wear a little make-up everyday but not near as much as I used to. I have learned it's not so important as I felt it used to be for me. I realized if the person you are dating is so fixated on your physical side of beauty, you should start to ask yourself if they are really seeing you for 'you' on the inside. What's on the inside is brought out in your physical beauty. Don't get me wrong. Sometimes, you need to be approached and questioned about your weight and measures need to be taken, but only in exteme cases.

In one of my last relationships, I found myself discouraged because of my weight gain, and felt like I was getting too relaxed, and I got brought down by my weight with the guy. I was motivated to lose it, invested in a treadmill, started researching all about the right work outs, and diet to use, and yet he would pick at me, talking about the fat on my arms, and poking me saying "I don't think the workout you're using is really working...." and other comments like that. It brought me down even further, to where I ended up realizing I needed to stop and clear my head of all that junk he was putting in it. Eventually, a few months later, the relationship ended. I knew all along it wasn't going anywhere further than where it had been stuck for awhile. This was an on and off relationship for quite some time, over a number of years. We were in and out of each other's lives for a good long while, and finally, we're out of it all together which is working out astoundingly for me. I don't care what he's up to anymore, I could care less. He was a toxic person in my life, and I don't need that. Of course, you should be expecting a blog about that person down the road I'm sure.

Anyways, my point was, you can't let people like that stay around in your life. Work out for the right reasons if you decide to go down that route, which is where I'm at now. I've started eating better, working out gradually, not rushing into it. I'm taking my time working my way back into the routine, and I'm doing it for me, not for anyone else. My boyfriend loves and supports me through it, helping me fix foods, and adjust my schedule for working out. That's the kind of support I need and anyone should have around.

As far as make up goes, I realized I was using so much more than I needed to me, and it was clogging up my pores, bad for my skin, and time and time again my boyfriend would make fun of me for wearing so much but I explained to him why I felt the need to use so much. He understood but kept telling me, I like the natural you, and I've actually come to see the natural beauty in myself without makeup after all these years. I used to wear makeup EVERYWHERE, even if it wasn't work-related, and now I don't care so much. And I don't buy so much makeup all the time. I've cut down and yes, girls, that's saved me lots of money! :) I'm enjoying my life right now and I'm taking control over it, compared to being controlled and being damaged a year ago. Things sure do change when you get rid of the toxins in your life.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Graduate School

Lately I have been thinking about what I'm doing with my life, where I'm going with it, and of course, everyone has revelating moments like this, but since I work at a college, it's in my head almost every day. I talk to and see graduate students in my department all the time, working towards their future, some my age, some older, and some even younger!

Several professors have advised me on taking the GRE just to have that as a backup in case I do decide to attend graduate school. And taking free classes since I can take one a semseter since I work at the college full time, but I've yet to do it. I didn't do anything like that at first because I just needed a break from the whole school routine. I enjoyed working full-time, yet now, I'm looking for something more. A part of me wants school back in my life because I'm yearning to learn more and challenge myself, whereas in my current job, I don't feel like I am.

I've heard many different perspectives to graduate school - go to a general MBA and then you can study any aspect of busines you want; focus in on the type of industry you want to be a part of. Which do I do? My parents are still paying off college loans for me, and I wish I could help them, but I don't have that kind of money coming in for me. I am paying off credit cards/debt due to furniture and other things I piled up over the past year or two. My fault, but I'm trying to get them paid off at a good pace so they're not around forever. I have excellent credit and I'm not worried about that, but I wonder what grants/scholarships I'm applicable for as a graduate student.

A school that has stood out to me, because I know a few people that went there for both undergrad and grad, is Full Sail Universityin Orlando, Florida. The perk to it is that I could take everything online, and tuition includes books, labs, everything I would need to complete my Master's in Entertainment Business in 13 months from my home, through distance education. I know it's better to do classes face to face but I talked to an advisor there and he mentioned a lot of the students physically on campus participate in the online program to work around their full time jobs anyways, so I would be balanced and equal with them. I've heard highs and lows about online courses, so I guess it's just a risk I'd have to take. Of course, I just completed my FAFSA and have yet to speak to the Full Sail advisor again about my results of that to see what I qualify for.

If you didn't catch what I mentioned above, my focus would be Entertainment Business. My main interest over the years has been music, but I realize I have a lot of interest in entertainment as a whole so I want to be available to all sorts of aspects of the entertainment world, so that would be my study in graduate school, if I choose to take that route.

Sometimes I wonder if I've yet to get the experience I need, is it really meant to be or do I have to work harder to get it? I'm not in a profound city where entertainment/music have taken over like L.A., NYC, Orlando or TN, but I'm limited with my options, so I have to decide to make a big move and invest in something that may get me to where I want to be, or choose a different career path, and that's where I end up. I'm scared to make such a big move without knowing how I'm going to be a year or so financially. I'll be the same if not better off probably, yet, it's just a huge thing to take on, graduate school, and yes, we know any graduate school is money people rarely have just sitting on hand :) AT least, from my eyes anyways.