Thursday, July 3, 2008

God's Way

I noticed that the last time I posted on this blog was June 7.....and that night changed my life :)

I had been talking a couple days with this guy, Mike, on; he messaged me on there randomly, and the way he did caught my attention and interest, so I messaged him back. I had never met anyone off of this website, and never intended on doing so. It was just a site for when I was bored, etc. He and I didn't talk online but for a few messages back and forth, and then exchanged phone numbers. We then managed to talk for over two hours 2 nights in a row, and then decided to meet up - the connection was that instant and amazing. We are both not phone people so staying on the phone that long with constant conversation was pretty incredible. I couldn't believe he was 18, and I was 23, and we connected this much!

There was a concert Saturday night & he said he'd like to go with me, which I was fine with; it would be a public place and it'd be a good time even if we didn't click in person like we had on the phone. I knew other people that were going to be there too. His mom had just been transferred to the CMC Hopsital downtown and she wasn't doing so good - the doctors were giving her a 10% chance to make it through the night. I repeatedly said we could schedule another time to meet up, that he needed to be with her, and he said it would get his mind off the bad - he couldn't do anything just sitting and waiting by her bedside at the hospital. It made sense but I was kind of worried for him and his family.

We met up at CMC because he and I wanted to drive separately and I couldn't exactly tell him how to get to the venue from there, so we met up, and initially when I saw him, I thought hes cute :) And knew from how we'd been over the phone and whatnot, that we'd have a good time no matter if something came from it or not romantically. . . . once we got to the venue, we got out and started walking in and we held hands and it was a sudden thing for me but it was an instant connection between us. I didn't expect to hold his hand that fast, but it happened and surprisingly, felt natural, and I felt comfortable with it. . . . it was a different feeling that didn't make sense to me at first, but I was enjoying myself and having no worries about it.

The night went amazingly. . . when I was at the bar, leaning against it and he was in front of me with his arms 'blocking' me in, I did something I've never done before - I went in for the kill - I quickly kissed him, pecking him on the lips. Our faces had been close, but, we hadn't kissed yet, and I had the nerve to just do it - I didn't care, and wasn't thinking so much about it but i just felt I should go with my gut. I wanted to and I did it. Id never made the first move like that. It took him by surprise, and it was unexpected but he definitely enjoyed it. The rest of the night was amazing - best first date ever. . . .and believe it or not,ever since that night, we've been together. Almost a month now and it's gone by fast and it's been incredible. No one has ever treated me so wonderful, and no one has ever made me feel so on top of the world before.

Last week his mom passed. She'd made progress over the few weeks but plumeted in the last few days of her life. I was actually visiting him and his aunts, sister, and brother-in-law at the hospital and me and Mike were actually alone in the room when she passed on Monday June 23rd. I spent the whole night with him talking, and trying to make him smile and I took the next day off work just because I wanted to spend it with him and make sure he was alright, plus we'd been up all the night before, I was thoroughly exhausted.

My whole situation with the ex, first love, Eric really makes me wonder about my definition of love and what I really feel for Mike vs. Eric. Eric is my first love. That's a fact. The way we were 3.5 years ago changed my life in ways I can't describe. I felt things I had never felt before, and I was treated amazingly well. Things took a turn for the bad, and, we dealt with it and have been dealing with it over the years. I know theres a reason why he's back in my life, why he came back in my life about a year ago, and I am grateful for the time he andI have been spending together up until I met Mike. When Eric got back from his 3 weeks away at Thailand though, things were the same, but different. I can't put my finger on what, and whether it was because Mike was in my life then, but, something was different. . . .

Mike is someone that came into my life unexpectedly, has changed my outlook on life, on myself, on love, on relationships in general, and my time spent with him, and things I've learned from being around him and his family, has actually restored my faith a bit. When I went to the memorial service for his mother earlier in the week, the pastors talked about how she feared and loved God. That's how I am. . . . over the years, I have gone to Christian gatherings with friends o fmine, trying to get me to accept Christ in my life. I read the Bible hoping to have a moment where I felt accepted, like a defining moment where I accepted and learned to love God in my own way like I had heard of others doing. I never had it. During that service, listening to the pastors talk about how you shouldn't judge people and nobody is perfect, it hit me. I didn't have a gut-wrenching moment, but I listened to the words they were preaching, and as I thought about it more and more I felt like God brought me into Mike's life for a reason. . . to help him through this trying time, and find my way to God. . .

I have never ever felt this way before, and I'm glad I know how love should be, how I should be treated, and how easy a relationship can be without putting so much effort into it, and where you're not on an emotional rollercoaster all the time. Eric put me through that.

Don't get me wrong, Eric is a great human being, when he's just your friend. But putting more into it than that can get you into trouble, like it has me.

If a guy wants you to be his, he won't let anyone take you away. Eric never wanted anything official with me, I realize. He and I had grown close over the past year, and mean a lot to each other but as far sa more than that,I don't think he ever expected to go anywhere further wtih me. And I think I kind of expected that from the beginning, but, was just killing time until something better came along, then Mike came and showed me the world :)