Thursday, July 2, 2009

Flaws

Stephanie asked all of her readers to share how they feel a significant other or their significant other views them in a relationship. Boy did this get interesting when going through my mind. Not that it never has before, but I had to actually put it all down in writing now. Well, I didn't HAVE to, but I chose to, just to put things into perspective for me. To see what all Mike has to put up with from me.

I've been in several relationships, all of meaningful nature, but some more serious than others. Some I tried harder at than others, and some I didn't care if they were lost or not. I have cared for everyone I have ever dated. Believe it or not, even looking back, those that I'm not happy I spent so much time with, or 'wasted' time with, I still see good qualities in them, and miss the people I thought they were, and miss the people I once saw them as.

I usually care so much about what everyone sees in me, yet at times, I haven't even bothered changing myself because I had no care in the world. Rarely have I ever been that way. I usually worry and stress over everything. Anyways, following up Stephanie's little 'challenge', actually BIG challenge, here goes nothin'. Here goes to being more open and inviting to people, and taking on criticisms, taking on a different perspective.

I have been taken advantage of in my past, so, therefore, this has caused me to be very critical & analytical of every relationship I have ever been in. Most of the time I have been known to pay attention to so many little details, most that don't matter to the normal person, and it backfires against me. I read too much into everything and it causes fights & other issues. I have also been known to keep things to myself, let them build up, until I end up blowing up over stupid things. Assuming the worst is always a bad way to go but I end up doing it all the time.

I am impatient, which occassionally leads to my wonderful temper. Everyone is different and everyone leads their life in a different way. The way I have lived over the past several years through college and afterwards, I get places on time, if not a little bit earlier. I work on things ahead of time and turn things in before they are due, or get things done before they are due. I keep everything on a schedule and like getting things done ahead of time instead of late or just right on time. I've been in situations lately relying on people or needing to rely/depend on people, who are the opposite. They'll get it done, but not when I would do it myself. Therefore, it's been a challenge for me, anxious little me, to put trust and faith in people close to me. It still bothers me but I have to learn one day to be able to do this, otherwise, I never will.

I have jealousy issues, as I'm sure most women do in relationships. The guy you're with has been with women before you, and it's just a fact of life. Do you think he isn't bothered by the fact that you were with guys before him? Sure he is, but he doesn't focus on it, so you don't see that side of him, unless that issue comes up of course. The problem is, I hold onto things from my past whereas, I am jealous of those being treated better than I was when I was with the guy they're with now. Make sense? Even though I know the guy made me unhappy, and they might be a better match, I still wonder too much about my past, why certain things didn't work out, and why I hold onto certain things from my past. It's caused strife in my current relationship, as well as others from my past, but I try not to let it. Then of course I hold things in and not letting them out causes a buildup. It's like a circle it seems.

I never realized how much I complained until recently. Much of it has to do with things not being done the way I want them to (I know, whiney me) but I never was able to complain or do anything freely like that with anyone but who I am now. I need to ease up on it and just take life for what it is, and enjoy the life I'm living because there's no reason to complain. I have a good life, and although I'm miserable at times with the job I have, and I'm unhappy in other aspects of life, I am lucky for where I'm at in my life and what I've got in my life, and I can't take that for granted.

I am scared. Always scared. That my family, friends, will turn out to be right, and I will always be wrong. In my journey, on my path to a better life, to a happier life. I feel I have all the motivation in the world to get to where I want to be, but financially/logically doesn't always match up to where I want to go with what I have now and what I'm doing with my life. Up until recently did I realize a lot of things that I had been avoiding for a number of years of how I was treated by those close to me, and ways I looked at situations. Up until recently I still felt like I had to be that little girl with my family and I'm 24. I've taken a lot of independence in order to get some space and actually follow through with being on my own, in a number of ways. I want to be able to take care of everything on my own, as much as possible anyways, and not have to go running to my parents when every emergency arises, but due to financial concerns over the past year medically wise, I've had to, but I'm glad they've been there for me through everything.

I worry all the time. It strains every relationship I'm in, and that includes family, friends, and romantic. I worry that I have anxiety and OCD because of how picky I've become, and how upset I get if something doesn't go like I planned, or isn't done right, or isn't done by when I wanted it to be done. It's gotten worse over time and I'm considering even going to the doctor about it to get medicine for it. I think ahead to things in the next week and even that far ahead I get exhausted thinking about it. Things that might make me miserable, things I'm nervous about, things I'm dreading, etc.

I love helping people out, even when I shouldn't, financially. I've helped out my boyfriend, friends, etc. especially when they've been on hard times, or have no money whatsoever. I did it throughout college even when I only made $7-8/hour working part-time while in school. I had security whereas they may not have had a job, or been doing so well emotionally/mentally and I needed and wanted to help them out in a way and treat them to something. Now having a salary job, full time, even though it doesn't pay what I should be making or need to be making, I still have that security, and stable job right now, whereas a lot of people don't. I've taken control over it and realized I can't help them like I used to or like they may be used to, or like I would like to be able to. But everyone's fine with it. That wasn't their purpose for being around me of course.

Staying friends with ex's is not always a good thing I've learned. Some people manage to be able to do it well but eventually claws come out or feelings are hurt in some aspect, whether or not you want to be with that person romantically. It's the belonging factor. You once belonged to each other, and maybe saw a future with that person. Now that you're not with them, even though you may not even be in each other's lives, you have this sense of protecting them in some way. And it's just the way it is sometimes. Hanging onto the past is never good, and, I tend to do that sometimes. I can't cut off my emotions to certain people whether they're gleefully happy or angry. There's always some emotion tied to something in my past, and I can't help it.

Writing the last characteristic of myself, led me to come onto this conclusion: Guys paying for me makes me uncomfortable in a sense. I used to be used to it here and there and then eventually it was all the time when I'd be dating a guy. Money isn't everything I've come to learn and find out, more than I ever thought before. Every time a guy would pay, I'd feel the need to say "Thank you" and they didn't understand why, they just acted like that's the way it was supposed to be. And in many people's minds, maybe it is. But I liked being able to pay and say "I can do this myself. I don't need to depend on a guy to take care of me." I appreciate it nonetheless, but it made me uncomfortable in a sense like I was obligated to give something back, even if I didn't want to, or have anything to give back to them.

The last quality I think I can come up with right now is I give people too many second chances, or the benefit of the doubt. I read into too many things (another flaw of mine sometimes) and sometimes make myself out to be the guilty one, even when I did nothing wrong in most cases. I'm not right every time, but I'm also not to blame for everything wrong in a relationship all the time. I've realized that so many people I've given chance after chance too haven't deserved it, have taken advantage of it. And now I'm a much stronger person than I used to be and I'm so much more aware of it. I've let certain friends go because it stands out more than ever to me now. I didn't realize how much I had sacrificed for keeping certain people in my life just because I didn't want to be alone.

Honestly, I've been thinking & thinking, and that's all I've got right now to come up with about looking at me from an outsider's view, possibly Mike's right now.

I've grown tremendously over the past year being with who I am now. He's taught me to be who I am, truly, and to let out what I need to say, and what I feel, no matter who it's against or who it involves. When I've been torn emotionally with feelings from my past, he's always been that guide, that friend there for me to hear me out, to vent to. And I can honestly say I've never had someone like that in my life. He's honestly the only person I feel safe and comfortable crying in front of. I hold back with everyone else, even family. I don't know why this is, but I've managed to create this bond, this connection unlike any other I've ever known, and I can't let it go. I won't let it go.

Maybe this blog has just turned into a general FLAWS blog but it has a lot do with my relationships, especially the one I'm in now. I've uncovered a lot of myself and learned a lot about what my flaws/positives are. Comment Away if you like!

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