Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Too Many Chances

I know what you all are thinking - a 2nd blog on the same day?!? Yes. This is what you call downtime at work, and procrastination. There are some things to be done, but not right away, so I've got some relaxation time to write this stuff out.

The other day I made a huge list of topics of all of this blogs I wanted to write and I told myself I'd do one at a time, one per day, yet I'm breaking my own rules already. Imagine that. :) I'm such a rebel!!!

Anyways, where was I.............

This blog happens to be about giving out too many chances when it comes to friends, significant others, family, etc. For as long as I can remember, I feel like I've been easily walked on. I know growing up I felt like that with my father, then, it seeped over to friends in middle school. They might blow me off and I would never confront them, even if I caught them lying to me, or caught them talking bad about me. I simply ignored it and although it bothered the heck out of me, I went on with everything else. I held everything inside. Of course, that built up over time, hurting me even more. My friends were like my family back then; I've always considered friends to be like that for me. And I really needed them more than anything back then. Sadly, a lot of them didn't consider me as important I guess.

Over the years, I have learned that I can't trust people right away. It takes time and different 'tests' I guess to learn that they'll be there for me. I don't make a point to test people but seeing how they interact with me and respond, and give an effort to be a part of my life, I can tell whether they're trustworthy, and true friends. I have a good idea now how to tell who will be there for me in the end.

I truly believe in the picture I posted above. Every part of it. Some friends have not agreed with certain decisions I've made, or have not liked people I've dated, but they always support me in everything I've done. We may not see eachother or talk for awhile but when we reconnect or get in touch again, everything picks back up. I know certain people I haven't seen in a number of years but because we text, talk on the phone, or talk online through email or other messinging systems, we've remained up to par with what's going on in each other's lives. Just because we haven't physically gotten together means the friendship is over. I've never felt that way.Some people do, and that's just what you have to deal with sometimes.

I know it breaks my heart to see how some of my old friends moving on with their lives, and I'm not a part of it, whether if it's by mouth or seeing it online through myspace or facebook. I've made an effort to be a part of their lives too and I either don't get a response from them, or we had drama in the past that ended everything between us, and despite that, I feel we're two different people now, and we've grown up, and gone down diff. paths now, and things are not the same as they were then. I wish they'd write me or contact me and want our friendship back as much as I want it back, so I can have this heartbreak go away.

I just feel sometimes I make more effort than anyone else in my friendships/relationships, and sometimes I guess I've invested too many emotions in my friendships, or my close relationships because my family didn't grow up being the best of friends, we had problems like many of the other families I know, but, it is what it is. I've given it my best, and obviously, it hasn't been good enough for those old friends. I miss them, and I believe they know that. I know we both have made mistakes, and, those can't be changed. The past can't be changed, but the future can be.

I'm not incredibly religious but because these certain friendships mean that much to me, I've even prayed to God to bring them back in my life, in some way. Even if it's talking just through email. A step towards something better than just nothing. I don't know how to heal this feeling inside. My faith had a moment of surprise about a year ago while attending a memorial service, the minister & his words really touched me, and I had a moment where I felt I regained my faith. Of course, that was just one moment, but I felt like I have had more faith in God ever since that moment.

I know I've accepted it but I've always had this little hope inside that something will turn around. How do you just walk away from soneone you were best friends with, and that you have all these memories with? What becomes more important than having those that were close to you, continually there with you? Move on past what the old drama was and accept them back in. I've forgotten about a lot of the drama, which means it probably wasn't as important as we felt it was then. It definitely wasn't LIFE altering. Maybe we just needed some time apart to grow. I'm just not sure what I think about it all anymore.

I feel I've changed so much over the past couple of years of being out of college and it scares me. Sometimes I feel I don't know what road I'm on and where I'm going and I just have no clue whatsoever as to what I'm going to do with the rest of my life.

I have interests but I don't see myself as anything. I used to grow up seeing myself as a teacher, and that was the only plan I had in mind. Once I got to college all of that went away, and my passion for music grew. Now, still living in Charlotte, NC, I have no idea if I'll be in NC forever, in Charlotte forever, or if I'll go anywhere that will interest me, or just be doing administrative jobs forever.

I hope not.