Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Motivation

Today is Eric's 27th Birthday. It's been in my head since I last sent him an email this weekend. No response yet. . . and I sent him a "happy birthday" text a little bit ago; NO MORE CONTACT anymore. . . If he doesn't have the means to respond, or much less, the heart, to respond, then he's not worth trying to keep in my life anymore.

Yesterday I was all about coming home and starting to workout again, yet, I didn't. What did I do instead? I pigged out, watched movies, lounged around, and accomplished nothing, other than cleaning up a little around the apartment. Today is his birthday, and considering he has always had this power over me, I have decided to make today my Day One again. This is all for me. . . and starting on his birthday makes ME feel powerful over MYSELF once again.

I stopped working out around the time he went to Thailand a few months ago because I just wasn't motivated to keep going. I felt like it was a vacation from him, and I could do whatever I wanted, when really I could have been doing that all along. Eric knew he had this way of controlling my thoughts and he took advantage of it. Now I'm seeing that all clear as ever, ever since I've been with Mike. Mike treats me like gold without any reason. He just does it. I'd never felt so confident, comfortable and completely fit and perfect with someone. Now I have the right mindset to want to get back into shape, and take care of my life. Starting today I feel like I will stick with it and not give up because if I do fail, I will feel like I'm giving into the 'bad' that once controlled me, if that makes any sense. The 'bad' being Eric.

Don't get me wrong, Eric is a great guy, but he's not the perfect guy for me. I thought he was for the longest time. He was that guy I always wanted, I always worked up to try to be perfect for, and I never was, no matter what I did. I feel pathetic and feel like a fool for seeing how much effort I put into a relationship/friendship with him. . . when he has distanced himself so much from me these past few months. We both did that to eachother but him more so than me. I won't turn my backs on friends that I have been there for, who have been there for me. But for it to happen this way was not in my control, and it gave him more control. I'm done letting him have power/control over my feelings/emotions/heart.He's done.

I feel completely enthralled with my motivation right now. I feel so motivated I could explode. As much as I'd love to see Mike tonight, I know the most important thing is how motivated I feel to work out today. I hope this mindset stays with me for awhile. I'm loving it.

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